My wonderful day. (maybe trigs)
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| Thu, 01-27-2005 - 1:37am |
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Here I was trying to write about my day that Murphey's law was made for and I was just hit with it again. Somehow in the midst of my typing I managed to select all that I had written and before I knew I had done that I had continued typing which of course overwrote what I had written before. Of course I couldn't "undo".
Let's try again!
Today was supposed to be the mental wellness support group at school which itself had me very anxious, but then I went to the classroom it was supposed to be in and waited and waited. As the classroom filled I thought I was doing okay, until the TA came in and started teaching a tutorial. Now I had to get up and leave in the middle of his class. So we've added embarassment to my anxiety. I was then mad at myself. I was sure that I hadn't checked the email for the right room and time, at least not enough (I checked it twice...which only proves my theory and thus my need to count it three times). At that point I was convinced that I had actually seen BSB 104 but that wasn't what was written. Then I got mad at Christine that maybe she was out to get me and did this on purpose. The came the tears. Not sure why. At this point I went back to nearly running up and down the halls (which I had also done in the time before the group was supposed to begin). Across the hall to the other side of the building, up the stairs, down the hall, down the stairs, etc. I thought I saw Christine but she didn't say anything so maybe it wasn't or maybe that was part of the scheme. I can't even trust my own eyes.
I went shopping today. I had a gift card from old navy that my boss gave me for christmas. I don't really like old navy or the gap or banana republic but that's a whole other story. Anyway. I found some great stuff on clearance so I stretched that $30 even farther, in fact i still have $5 left. I got a skirt, pants and a shirt. I just got home from work, 15 hrs later and take out all the stuff from the bag and there is no receipt and one of the security things is still on the pants. She didn't even bother looking for it. She's apparantly out to make me look like a theif and an idiot how embarassing. Now what am I supposed to do? I don't have the receipt. I wasn't aware that I didn't get one. I assumed it was in the bag like it usually is. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Screaming inside again, now ready to break down in tears again.
Aside from this there were many little things (like dropping the rice on the floor for e.g.) that added up to one "Murphey" of a day! Ha! There's my new expression. Copyright me as of right now!!!!
On another note. I'm sorry if I missed anyone in replying to today's posts.
Love you all.
Manic Mandi


Hi Amanda,
You day sounds perfectly dreadful! I hope today is better. The nice thing about "Murphey" days is they rarly happen two days in a row.
Love and Hugs,
Jamie
Love,
You spoke too soon lol. I've now decided it's been a Murphey of a week!!!!
Today I had my appointment at the CSD. I gave her the form my doc filled out and she said that it didn't matter that he didn't put bipolar that the depression and anxiety are enough. (If I didn't post or you didn't see it or whatever my doc only put on the diagnoses from last time I was at ERMH 5 yrs ago).
I haven't been going to class which makes me quite mad at myself.
I haven't been doing work. I don't want to or if I do want to I can't stay on track to do it anyway.
I'm still all over the place with my moods. Especially still irritable and raging. Grr. I nearly strangled my coworker today...and no I'm not joking this time.
I'm very anxious and paranoid.
My mind is mainly manic (dysphoric) but my body seems to think it's depressed with the sleeping and eating all the time.
At the same time I've had very much trouble getting to sleep.
Christine (appt I had today) gave me a relaxation cd to try. She thinks it's very important to disrupt my sleep as little as possible. Not really possible.
I have two papers (one page reflections) to write for tomorrow and I can't do it.
I have what I believe is petechiae - red spots caused by abnormal bleeding - in my mouth which I think is caused by the new med which causes decreased platelet function/count and therfore decreased clotting. But I'm only on a low dose because I just started. Maybe my body doesn't like it or maybe it's something else all together. In my typical fashion I've already determined it is something majorly serious like cancer.
Anybody have this kind of problem with depakote? (I'm actually taking Epival which is Divalproex...same thing basically...it creates valproic acid in the body, which is what depakote is)
There was more I wanted to say but I feel like crap so I'm going to go. I guess I'm not getting my work done after all. Of course my coworker can do her homework and leave two hours early but that means i'm doing all the work and serving while she's doing her work and then when she leaves I'm doing the work of two.
Ok bye.
Amanda
ps. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh sorry needed to scream
Amanda/S,
Hi Honey! Sorry about the Murphey week! I guess I don't know what I'm talking about. LOL
I'm glad they accepted the form from your doc even though it didn't say bp. I think he was kind of a wiene going for a 5 year old dx over what he can see with his own eyes.
I hope you ended up having some luck with doing your papers and getting to class. I can only imagine how hard that would be.
DON'T strangle anybody. That would be tacky!!! All joking aside...I know how that feels. Your co-worker sound selfish to me.
Sounds like you're in a pretty serious mixed state to me (Now don't say dahhhh). The relaxation tapes might at least help you get some good sleep. They might also take the edge off the rage. I like relaxation tapes though I don't have any right now. I might have to change that! Thanks for the idea!
I understand about the blood. Welbutrin and Geodon both cause it. When I go to the dentist my gums bleed like I've never brushed my teeth in my life! I was supposed to have a biopsy for a diffinitive dx for Celiac Disease and I refused because of my meds so we had to go by the blood test and my family history. I don't remember having the problem on Depakote but, that doesn't mean I didn't. Hopefully someone on it currently can tell you more.
You scream all you want!!!! There's no place to do it safer than here.
I wish a could wrap you up and give you a big {{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}.
Love,
Jamie
Love,
Thanks Jamie,
My moods have been pretty serious today but right this second I'm functioning and not overwhelmed but it so I thought I would post.
Christine (at CSD) said that it doesn't matter that he didn't put bp because it wouldn't get me any more accommodations. (I think PD w agorophobia, OCD, GAD, Major Dep, BPD are enough to account for my difficulties don't you think). If you don't understand my short forms let me know. I know, not that important.
You'll be happy to know that I didn't strangle anybody! :D
I'm going to try the relaxation CD tonight. I'm going to go set it up right now so I can't use that as an excuse (I have to take my cd walkman and hook it up to the computer speakers in my bedroom).
I have read in many places that you should tell your doc of meds before surgery and any dental work and I never understood the dental part of it. Now I get it. On that note I'm pretty peeved that I realized today that I should have gone to my appointment in the summer because my dad switched jobs and I don't have coverage now. GRRR.
There are much more serious matters that I would like to bring up but I feel guilty with so many people having such a hard time right now.
Thanks anyway.
Love,
Amanda
Amanda,
I'm stomping my feet! You don't have to feel your stuff is not as important as others! What's bothering you is bothering you! It's okay to post it.{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}
Yes, I do think you list of dx's is significant enough not to need bp on there!You sound like me with a list of things going wrong! I think some of them either are from our bp or helped set it off.
I'm just thrilled you didn't strangle anyone. I thought we might have to take up a collection to bail you out of jail.:D
I thought Canada had a national health care system? I must misunderstand what that means. I'm sorry about you looseing your coverage. That's a pretty scarey place to be. Can you still see your regular doctor?
Congrats on on using the relaxation CD. I love them! I really hope it helped. They can make me like jello once I've used them for a while. What's the name of the CD you're using?
You take care of you and keep us posted.
Love,
Jamie
Love,
***********************Trigs*********************
Still just kind of empty today, so far. Yesterday though I was very depressed and suicidal. Still back and forth with the irritability too. I didn't want anyone to worry about me hurting myself especially since by the time I posted I wasn't quite so bad, but earlier in the day I had a pretty rapid spiral into depression and grew more and more suicidal and I even said this to my coworker (who is new and doesn't know much about me yet - she's also a Christian so the thought of hurting oneself or others is absurd. My other coworker (who I relieved on day shift) told me that my boss was going to have my head when he sees me again. Apparantly the lid on the big bottle of tomato sauce was not screwed on tight and he dropped it and it went everywhere. I don't know how that happened because it was fine when I filled the small bottles - I would have had problems when I squeezed the botle if the lid wasn't on tight. And I really didn't care. My coworker left, so it was only the one who heard my rave. I said I wish I could tell my boss how I feel. That I don't give a s*** if he dropped the tomato sauce. I want to die. I don't care about your stupid sauce. I actually thought about taking my pill bottle and going to the washroom...and never coming out. I kept working though.
Canada does have health care, but it does vary by province. It doesn't cover dentist appointments. For that matter it doesn't cover private pdoc and tdoc...or I may have gotten one by now (or maybe there'd be a lot more people using the system and I still wouldn't get in). The main thing is we can go to the doc or hospital without having to worry about whether we can pay. Most other things we need to pay.
The relaxation cd is called Natural High but it's not available in stores. It is created by my school originally for drug users. You can't buy it, BUT you can download it for free! http://csd.mcmaster.ca/natural_high/cd.htm
Love,
Amanda
Amanda,
You're a doll! Thanks for the link.
Also thanks for the info on the Canadian health care system. I post to people from Canada all the time but, never knew how it worked. I guess covering the basic is all they can do or they would go broke. When I lived in Germany they had national health care and it was wonderful. They also had a 13% flat tax on everything you buy. I've heard it's gone up.
I'm sorry you were suicidal again. That's a horrible and scarey place to be. I'm glad you just kept working. I bet you scared that little christian right out of her socks. I'm glad you're feeling better now.
Just forget about the stupid tomato sauce jar! He most likely dropped it and just wanted someone to blame it on. Write it off to his being a man! Why was he picking the jar up by it's lid anyway? He doesn't sound very bright.
Hugs to you.
Love,
Jamie
Love,