very bad day today *trig*
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| Thu, 01-27-2005 - 4:04pm |
i've been rapid cycling all day today. i can't stop crying or raging or zoning out completely and its driving me nuts. i havent even come out of my pajamas all day. im finding it really hard to type, my fingers arent working.
i did have a moment of clarity and joy early in the morning. i went to my emails and got really good repose about my letter from most of the people i forwarded it too. of course now im wondering why those who didn't respond, didn't respond. so of course naturally my mood came crashing down because of my paranoria. then i was mad that i was sad then i didnt think anything at all.
of course i couldn't leave it at that, i had to drag my deceased mother into the mix.. why do we constantly beat ourselves up? its almost like i purposely bring myself down by thinking about all the horrible things that make me unhappy.
i hate to keep bring up DH because he really is an angel, but he just cannot stop pissing me off! he calls me everyday from work to check on me and when im doing badly i let him know. he asks me whats wrong. i tell him im angry,he goes why are you angry and im like "hello? do i really need to tell you for the thousanth time i dont need a reason to be angry if i knew why i was angry i wouldnt be on all these *&%$ pills! have ya met me?
why do i constantly have to explain to this man that im BP? ive givin him papers on this thing, talked to him about the symptoms, my Pdoc has explained it all to him and NoTHING! he's not a stupid man he's in denial about my illness which makes me even angrier.
i hope someday soon i'll be able to give you guys a more possitive post i really do. im just trying to keep it together. well looks like another clonazapam down the hatch.

Hiya, sorry to hear you're having such a bad day. I can relate to how you feel about your dh being in denial about your illness. Mine is too! I control my behavior so well that even when I may be dying on the inside he's barely aware that anything's wrong, and he tells me that he keeps forgetting I'm bipolar!
Paranoia is the worst of the psychotic features for me. It can really ruin my day when I'm struggling with it. I hope things start to look up for you soon, and that the Klonopin kicks in. It can be my best friend when I'm really agitated! :)
(((Hugs)))
Kristen
thank you Kristin your a doll. i feel much better now after my trank. still a little angry but dont seem to care! lol! my girlfriend who i was so angry at last nite has been trying to contact me all day, (read my post from last nite) but my evil side keeps wanting to punish her so im not answering her calls or her texes (isnt that petty?) i hate when i get like that. im a scorpio and revenge is a dish best served cold! LMAO!!
i thank you again for your advice and understanding. im sure ill be chatting with you reeaaal soon! trying to get the rage monkey off my back! (hee,Hee)