Broken *major trigs*

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Broken *major trigs*
12
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 9:20am

As some of you already know, and for those of you who do not.....I am getting a divorce.

I don't really even know what I'm going to say here, but I need to talk to people who understand and you'll have to forgive me if my post is all over the place. My head isn't on straight by any stretch of the imagination.

Last night my xdh had to bust into our bathroom and basically prevent me from taking the fist full of pills that was in my hand and dump the rest of the booze down the toilet that I hadn't already drank.

I want out. Straight out....I just want out. I can't do this crap anymore. Circle after circle of b.s., constantly lonely, constantly hurting, always having this fricking black hole in my soul, always fighting for some sort of stability that I will never find. With meds or without them....this feeling of doom is always there. For 16 years I have been struggling.....and all the years before that....well, they were no box of cheerios. I'm 32 on Monday, and I feel like I'm 70. Worn out, tired, and ready to die.

5 years ago I was forced into the psych ward, I did everything I was taught to do there. After the ward, I had to do a day program for 6 weeks. I applied everything I was taught to do there. I read, I researched. I took this pill and that one. I gained 75lbs. I turned into a lethargic pig and dealt with all the miserable side effects. Why? To get better, thats why......but reality is that I'm NOT ANY FRICKING BETTER!!!!

Circles.

I came here and cl'ed for what I think was 3 years. I taught alot of people what I had learned along the way. I watch all of you struggle and the people here that I have come to love very much struggle. I have given two of my children BP and one has Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Now I watch them go in circles too. I watch them struggle through school both socially and acedemically. Just like I did. What have I done to them? Why do I continue to be damned like this?

My xdh doesn't want me anymore because I couldn't keep his house clean, I got a cat and all the reasons that he won't ever tell me. Thats fair isn't it? He stopped loving me for reasons that I never even knew about. How could I ever know what I was doing to hurt him or make him feel bad, if he never even told me I was doing it? He told me that if he would tell me, I would freak out and didn't want to hear it. He's probably right. But I was trying so hard to "fix" myself and right all the wrongs that I had done that it wasn't exactly easy for me to take someone screaming at me that I was doing something bad. Even if it was only that I didn't get up off my lazy and sad rear end that day and do slave labor around the house. And besides, even when I did.....everyone would come home and trash it all, throw everything around, leave messes all about the house, papers here, mail there, shoes lost, homework incomplete and NO ONE satisfied with what I was making for dinner. Because you know....I'm a fricking MASTER CHEF too, and I'd have to make 4 different meals for 6 people. And then, the next day, I would walk into my living room, kitchen, dining room and bathroom and see everything undone that I FORCED myself to do the day before and have to start all over again. How can one take all the disrespect and rudeness from the people who "supposedly" love them and keep on smiling and being "content with their life" or even "happy with their life" and just keep on going?? I have your answer....YOU CAN'T!!

Circles.

But, despite all this INSANE B.S., I kept on trying. TRYING TRYING TRYING!!!! To get better, to find stability, to find happiness, to love my husband, to teach my kids to NOT beat eachother up all the time, to do well in school etc.

I sat out here in my country home all alone all day long. I literally couldn't wait for my husband to get home so I could have someone to talk to. But every day when he came home, he wouldn't even say hello to me. He'd go to the bathroom and get on the computer and start working all over again on his business. I saw the back of his head framed by a computer monitor, more often than not. He is a programmer on the side.....have you ever tried to talk to someone while they are writing code? You can't. And it's understandable....it's not an easy task to write code. But it's an even harder task to deal with the lonliness that I felt CONSTANTLY. So I would eventually leave and go to a friends house. Usually every friday. I had to, I needed some sort of stimulation from a person that was over 5 ft. tall. Well guess what? Damn me for doing that too. It made dh feel like I "ditched him". Nevermind that he didn't even like the people's house that I was going to. Nevermind that he NEVER EVER said to me..."Teri, lets go out and do something this friday (or saturday even). But I ditched him......so damn me again.

Everyone in my "real world" wants me to sit and listen to them, help them get through rough times, give them advice....you know....BE THERE FOR THEM! But, when I need someone, for some reason I find myself alone. EVERY DAMN TIME! No one here ever wants to listen to whats wrong with me or why I hurt so bad. I can walk into a "friends" house with my shoulders down, tears streaming from my face and within 15 minutes I find that they are talking about whats bothering them instead of listening to me. Sometimes I need to be heard too, ya know? Those people ALWAYS brought on all their problems by themselves....maybe I did too....but in my world, I was/am always exhausted from trying to better my life and/or myself to eliminate my problems. Trying this and that, taking this pill and that one. Forever the optimist and forever being defeated.

I'm tired of life now. I don't want to live it anymore. Everyone in my life leaves me that is supposed to love me. It's been this way since I was born...it started with my birth mother....she broke me first everyone else just followed suit. I'm not co-dependent beyond reason. I'm not a bad person.....I have always lived my life for others...forever the humanitarian. But for some reason I seem to be a disposable cup the the people that are supposed to love me.

I didn't write this post so any of you would feel sorry for me. I don't want that. I just need to understand.....or something. I need the madness and insanity to stop. The only way I can see doing that is to stop my heart from beating. Why? Because the insanity and madness dwells inside of me. Forever burning my soul and my heart....eating my brain alive. Last night my dh told me...."Teri, you aren't terminal"....but the reality is that I am. I am a broken woman. A pretty face in the crowd, perhaps. But inside I am broken.

The Worlds A Roller Coaster

And I Am Not Strapped In

Maybe I Should Hold With Care

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 10:17am

(((((((((((((((TERI))))))))))))))))

Many hugs your way. I feel so bad for you. I have been there and felt that empty feeling when I left my dd father. I loved him with every fiber of my being. I thought I would die without him. It took me 5 years to even date again and get over him. I hope it takes you less time to get over the bad feelings you are right now. Mine got better every month that went by but it was a slow process. The same old advice is...Time heals.

I believe in you and believe you are strong enough to get through this with support from a tdoc and pdoc. Lean on your friends for your emotional needs. We all hear love you and miss you very much. You don't need to come back here and feel you need to help anyone. Let us help you through. I may not be the best person for the help you need but that is why we have many ladies here that have advice and support to give. I don't know if I am helping you now because I am having panic attacks and anxiety so bad. I am going through withdrawl from Risperdal. It has made my days hell. I know you are going through much worse then I am right now and I am feeling so bad for you. Teri, You are such a good person. I would hate for something to happen to you. Please hold on and fight. Don't give up!

I am sorry to hear about your kids and all the troubles they are having. They are lucky to have you for a mom because you have been there and done that and you understand the way they feel. I know that their troubles are hard for you to deal with when you are going throught all that you are going through, but they are worth the fight. YOU are worth the fight.

Teri, I know you know you can't make someone love you know matter how much you love them and want them to love you. It doesn't help the pain go away knowing that but it is the truth. The only thing you can do right now is allow yourself to feel the pain and get through it one day at a time. Take one minute at a time if need be. Get yourself into see your tdoc OFTEN and get this out of your system and vent to her/him as much as possible and always come here and post as often as you want and need to.

Please know you are in my heart and in my prayers. I wish I could make all this pain go away and make it all better for you. I love you Teri. Please hang in there.

Love,

Tina~

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 11:48am

(((((Teri))))),


Sweetie, I am SO sorry this crap is getting the better of you right now--we do understand, if not in the exact

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 12:28pm

Teri...OMG...where are you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 12:36pm

Teri,

I'm so sorry things are so rough. Being bipolar SUCKS. :) Please think of this for me. Your kids need you. It sounds as though your dh totally doesn't understand you. They (the kids) need YOU around to understand THEM. Please don't leave them.
That is the only thought that has saved me sometimes. I can't leave the kids. Lucky for me, my dh is understanding, but the kids still need mommy.

There is so much love for you here. Remember that. There are so many people that would miss you.

Leigh

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 12:56pm

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

Your friends and xdh may not get you but we do. We've BTDT. Please share with us. Let us help you. Lean on us. We are here for you. You are a wonderful person. You are loved and important. Please go to the hospital or someplace safe. You deserve much better than this and you can get through this.

Stay safe.

Love and hugs,

Amanda

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 1:24pm
Teri--Life is so strange, I was driving home about an hour ago and you suddenly popped in my head and I wondered where you were and if you were doing ok. I came home, got on the computer and saw the message you wrote.
Please do what Keli says. Go to the hospital, jump on a plane and go see her, SOMETHING. You've helped all of us and now it's our turn. We need and want you around. Please lean on us. We'll do anything we can.
Amanda
Avatar for kdvaleski
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 6:04pm

Sweet Jesus, Teri, I'm so sorry you're in such a dark place right now. I've thought about you quite a lot lately and was glad to see a post from you, and shocked to read how much pain you're in right now. I can only echo the others when they reiterate that your kids need their mommy, and if that's the only reason you are alive right now, then cling to that reason. Please go to the hospital. It's SO important that you stay safe. I know, and I'm sure we all probably do, the total pain of being lonely in a crowd of people, hiding behind masks, being there and trying to act normally for and around other people when inside we're just dying. We know, if for many different reasons. I know you must've been in a place like this before, and no matter how much you really feel you want to just stop existing right now, remember that the pain will ease and you will start to feel better again. It passes, it really does. It's nearly unbearable, gut-wrenching pain at times, but it will pass. Please call your psychiatrist and go to the hospital. The only thing you should have to focus on right now is keeping Teri safe and holding on until it does start to pass.

I wish to God I had anything helpful to say, but just know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Many (((HUGS)))
Kristen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 8:29pm

Teri,


I'm new here so I don't know you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 10:39pm

Hi Teri,

Pleased to meet you! Sorry about have to do it this way.

I wish you weren't in such pain. From what everybody said about you you not only need to live your deserve it too. No one touches that many lives without being a careing, loving, and compassionate person.

Now about your X...I know it's easier said but, the he** with him! My x told me once he bounced a check because I was fat. Men are idiots.

You need help with this honey. You're in a place where you can't do it alone. Call you pdoc and go back in the hospital for a refresher course. There's a lot of new meds and therapies you can bone up on. We all need one at times. You've been out 5 years you deserve to take care of Teri.

Well I'll leave you alone take Marci and Keli up on there offers.

Love to you,

Jamie

Love,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 6:19pm

Thank you everyone for your loving and compassionate words....it means more to me than you'll ever know and has kept me alive for the last few days.

I was going to go to the psych ward, but there were/are no female beds available at the facility that I use. I refuse to go to any other hospital cause they all SUCK! So I'm hanging on. The funny thing is that I know what depression feels like, and this isn't depression....it's flat out pain.

But I'm holding on, and I promise not to do anything stupid. I don't want to scar my children like that. I need to find something to have faith in.....but I think the reason I can't is becuase someone, somewhere is trying to let me know that I have to have some faith in myself. Thats a new concept to me....faith in myself *sarcastic giggling* but I'm going to try.

I'll post soon again. I love you all very much. Thank you!

*hugs*
~Teri~

The Worlds A Roller Coaster

And I Am Not Strapped In

Maybe I Should Hold With Care

Pages