Broken *major trigs*

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Broken *major trigs*
12
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 9:20am

As some of you already know, and for those of you who do not.....I am getting a divorce.

I don't really even know what I'm going to say here, but I need to talk to people who understand and you'll have to forgive me if my post is all over the place. My head isn't on straight by any stretch of the imagination.

Last night my xdh had to bust into our bathroom and basically prevent me from taking the fist full of pills that was in my hand and dump the rest of the booze down the toilet that I hadn't already drank.

I want out. Straight out....I just want out. I can't do this crap anymore. Circle after circle of b.s., constantly lonely, constantly hurting, always having this fricking black hole in my soul, always fighting for some sort of stability that I will never find. With meds or without them....this feeling of doom is always there. For 16 years I have been struggling.....and all the years before that....well, they were no box of cheerios. I'm 32 on Monday, and I feel like I'm 70. Worn out, tired, and ready to die.

5 years ago I was forced into the psych ward, I did everything I was taught to do there. After the ward, I had to do a day program for 6 weeks. I applied everything I was taught to do there. I read, I researched. I took this pill and that one. I gained 75lbs. I turned into a lethargic pig and dealt with all the miserable side effects. Why? To get better, thats why......but reality is that I'm NOT ANY FRICKING BETTER!!!!

Circles.

I came here and cl'ed for what I think was 3 years. I taught alot of people what I had learned along the way. I watch all of you struggle and the people here that I have come to love very much struggle. I have given two of my children BP and one has Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Now I watch them go in circles too. I watch them struggle through school both socially and acedemically. Just like I did. What have I done to them? Why do I continue to be damned like this?

My xdh doesn't want me anymore because I couldn't keep his house clean, I got a cat and all the reasons that he won't ever tell me. Thats fair isn't it? He stopped loving me for reasons that I never even knew about. How could I ever know what I was doing to hurt him or make him feel bad, if he never even told me I was doing it? He told me that if he would tell me, I would freak out and didn't want to hear it. He's probably right. But I was trying so hard to "fix" myself and right all the wrongs that I had done that it wasn't exactly easy for me to take someone screaming at me that I was doing something bad. Even if it was only that I didn't get up off my lazy and sad rear end that day and do slave labor around the house. And besides, even when I did.....everyone would come home and trash it all, throw everything around, leave messes all about the house, papers here, mail there, shoes lost, homework incomplete and NO ONE satisfied with what I was making for dinner. Because you know....I'm a fricking MASTER CHEF too, and I'd have to make 4 different meals for 6 people. And then, the next day, I would walk into my living room, kitchen, dining room and bathroom and see everything undone that I FORCED myself to do the day before and have to start all over again. How can one take all the disrespect and rudeness from the people who "supposedly" love them and keep on smiling and being "content with their life" or even "happy with their life" and just keep on going?? I have your answer....YOU CAN'T!!

Circles.

But, despite all this INSANE B.S., I kept on trying. TRYING TRYING TRYING!!!! To get better, to find stability, to find happiness, to love my husband, to teach my kids to NOT beat eachother up all the time, to do well in school etc.

I sat out here in my country home all alone all day long. I literally couldn't wait for my husband to get home so I could have someone to talk to. But every day when he came home, he wouldn't even say hello to me. He'd go to the bathroom and get on the computer and start working all over again on his business. I saw the back of his head framed by a computer monitor, more often than not. He is a programmer on the side.....have you ever tried to talk to someone while they are writing code? You can't. And it's understandable....it's not an easy task to write code. But it's an even harder task to deal with the lonliness that I felt CONSTANTLY. So I would eventually leave and go to a friends house. Usually every friday. I had to, I needed some sort of stimulation from a person that was over 5 ft. tall. Well guess what? Damn me for doing that too. It made dh feel like I "ditched him". Nevermind that he didn't even like the people's house that I was going to. Nevermind that he NEVER EVER said to me..."Teri, lets go out and do something this friday (or saturday even). But I ditched him......so damn me again.

Everyone in my "real world" wants me to sit and listen to them, help them get through rough times, give them advice....you know....BE THERE FOR THEM! But, when I need someone, for some reason I find myself alone. EVERY DAMN TIME! No one here ever wants to listen to whats wrong with me or why I hurt so bad. I can walk into a "friends" house with my shoulders down, tears streaming from my face and within 15 minutes I find that they are talking about whats bothering them instead of listening to me. Sometimes I need to be heard too, ya know? Those people ALWAYS brought on all their problems by themselves....maybe I did too....but in my world, I was/am always exhausted from trying to better my life and/or myself to eliminate my problems. Trying this and that, taking this pill and that one. Forever the optimist and forever being defeated.

I'm tired of life now. I don't want to live it anymore. Everyone in my life leaves me that is supposed to love me. It's been this way since I was born...it started with my birth mother....she broke me first everyone else just followed suit. I'm not co-dependent beyond reason. I'm not a bad person.....I have always lived my life for others...forever the humanitarian. But for some reason I seem to be a disposable cup the the people that are supposed to love me.

I didn't write this post so any of you would feel sorry for me. I don't want that. I just need to understand.....or something. I need the madness and insanity to stop. The only way I can see doing that is to stop my heart from beating. Why? Because the insanity and madness dwells inside of me. Forever burning my soul and my heart....eating my brain alive. Last night my dh told me...."Teri, you aren't terminal"....but the reality is that I am. I am a broken woman. A pretty face in the crowd, perhaps. But inside I am broken.

The Worlds A Roller Coaster

And I Am Not Strapped In

Maybe I Should Hold With Care

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 8:26pm

Teri,


I'm so glad you're ok.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 10:53pm

Teri, I just read your post...I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. My heart goes out to you so much, especially since I know you've been such a wonderful source of support and caring for me and the others on this board. I don't have much to add to everyone else's posts, but I wanted to make sure you knew I was keeping you in my thoughts and sending you any "strength vibes" I can muster!

I'm so glad you're holding on and keeping yourself from harm...please do everything you can to keep that up! Your children need you, and we need you to stay safe...you are so strong, you can make it through this.

Many hugs,

Rose

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