The latest with me...and a question
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| Sun, 01-30-2005 - 1:11am |
Thanks so much to you all for the support earlier. I'm hesitant to post because so many others are struggling more than I am, but I'll try to give a quick (yeah, right!) update. I saw my pdoc, but she didn't offer to change anything (meds, type or direction of therapy, etc)...so I made an appointment with the school counselor to ask where I could go from here.
After talking, she agreed to see me for cognitive-behavioral therapy again (done it before, without great results), and she suggested I contact my old pdoc instead (who was pretty good with meds but doesn't do therapy). So I called my old pdoc, but couldn't get an appointment until March...and I'd already told my current pdoc I wasn't coming anymore! (bad timing, I know!). So for the next month and a half, I have no pdoc and really no one to call if things get bad again...it's my own fault, though.
Things have still been bad, but just today seem like they may be looking up a tiny bit. Jamie, I took your advice about music, and I realized I hadn't listened to public radio programs for years, although I used to love them, so I've had that on most of the day, and it's actually allowed me to sit still and catch up on some of my studying (I guess I just get so restless and frustrated if it's quiet).
There's so much going on now that I can't even go into it all (or at least no one would want to read it all!), but very briefly, I'm seriously doubting my motivation and ability to stay in med school, the friends situation is bad (I dropped out of a student group and said it was because I'm having "personal problems," but didn't elaborate...and I feel completely mute whenever I'm around anyone), and I've been dealing with medical problems (nothing too serious) that have made my life even more uncomfortable.
I am trying my best...listening to the radio, getting out a little even just to study, and emailing a friend to take her up on her offer to get together and do pilates (which used to help my emotions as much as my body, I think!). So maybe things will look up...I do have that tiny stirring feeling like my depression may be starting to ease a little, although I'm not at all sure yet...and I'm kind of apprehensive about what mood may be to come!
Oh, also, I have to decide by Monday if I want to participate in a med school panel on depression in med students...I'd have to speak for about 15 minutes about my own experiences...I'm thinking not, but I'm still not quite sure. I think the administration is OK with hearing that a student has had depression some time in the distant past, but not if that student is still extremely depressed while in school!
Thanks again for all your support and caring...it has been more helpful than you could imagine.
Rose
P.S. My pdoc (the one I've been seeing) was trying to get me to describe the horrible, unbearable feeling that seemed to weigh over me constantly...and I had trouble doing that. A metaphor for it came to me a while ago...nothing literary or too original...but I thought I might post it here to see if anyone has a name for this feeling...is it depression, anxiety, or something else? Possible triggers below...
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So here it is:
It’s like being brought to a frigid, bare room and told you will have to stay there for several hours. It’s so cold you can barely stand it...you rub your hands together, run in place until your legs wear out to try to stay warm, but nothing touches the cold. Many times, you think you may lose your mind if it continues a moment longer. You’re so uncomfortable that you become like an animal, mean, not caring what you have to do or say to escape. You check your watch as each minute passes, mentally pushing for time to speed up...but it only seems to go more slowly.
Finally, it is over. The door opens, and someone leads you out of the room...you sigh with incredible relief. But soon you realize it is not in fact over. You are brought immediately into another room, equally bare, but now blazingly hot. For a moment or two, the heat seems like a welcome change. But as it envelops you, you realize it is in fact burning your skin…equally unbearable as the cold, and just as inescapable. You would do anything, sacrifice anything, to release yourself from the pain.
This is what accompanies me from one activity to the next throughout the day…a momentary distraction, but then the interminable wait for it all to be over. This is no series of rooms, though…this is inside of me, and I can’t escape myself without self-destruction.
(This sounds really stupid to me as I read it over, so I hope you will forgive that...sorry! Thanks for listening.)

((((HUGS))))
I'm sorry you won't have a pdoc until march. If it's any consolation I don't have one either (and it will be 6 mons). You could probably call the pdoc you had back and say you need to stay there a little bit longer.
I'm glad you could talk with the school counsellor. Give CBT a chance. Just because you don't think you got much out of it before doesn't mean you won't this time.
Keep trying. Now is not the time to make any decisions about school or your future. You can get through this. Keep pushing at it until you get out of this depression. You probably don't want to give this up. I though I wanted to drop out of my program but then I ended up on academic probation and it looked like I might get kicked out and I realized I didn't really want to leave.
It SHOULDN'T matter if the depression is in the past or on-going for the panel. I'm not saying it doesn't, but it shouldn't.
Hold on there. Love,
Amanda
ps I don't think your analogy is stupid. I think it is very good and acurate too
Hi Rose,
I'm glad you're going about your therapy and pdoc in a different way. Your old pdoc sounded like she had her own agenda. I agree with Amanda about going back there until March. Just tell them you have a long wait. I'm not sure she'll do you much good though. Good for you going and talk to the new therapist on your own!
It sounds like you're doing everything you can do on your end. Now that your staightening out the tdoc/pdoc thing things should start looking up. I know March seems forever from now but it's just a little over a month. You can make it. I agree with Amanda about sticking it out until you are stable. This is just the wrong time to make life changing decisions. I know being around people can suck when your moods are off but, I think you would regret making the choice now.
I think doing the panel would be a great idea for 2 reasons: 1. It would be good for you to talk about what your going through. Just organize your thoughts a head of time so you can stay on subject. It's a trick I've learned from experience! 2. By talking to them now you make it a more immediate problem that they HAVE to look at. Not just that it happened in the past but, it's happening to students right under their noses. I think you could actually be helping allot of people by talking to a few. I know you can do it!
I also don't think you analogy was stupid. While it doesn't fit how I've ever felt, it is clear and helps me understand more about where you're at. Thanks for posting it. I think you did a wonderful job!!!
Love and Hugs,
Jamie
Love,
Rosa,
I don't think your analogy is bizarre.