Why do I get so anxious? grrr

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Registered: 02-06-2004
Why do I get so anxious? grrr
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Tue, 02-01-2005 - 3:40am

It seems I have a real problem sending the "important" emails and get a real sinking feeling in my stomach when I hit that "send" button. AAAAAAAahhh... ok. I just sent a message to my prof asking for the handouts before the day of class so I can have read it and then I know what is on it so I don't have to try to read and listen and write at the same time, and with the distractibility on top of that I'm lost already. So why do I feel so bad about sending the email? I guess I'm embarassed. I don't know. The same thing happens any time I go to write an email to my friend/pastor/counsellor to say I need him. Only, with him I just haven't sent the emails. Wow, it's been 5 months since I've talked to him (well...REALLY talked - I see him sunday..he's the pastor). I used to spend every night letting it all out to him on the bus (he's also my bus driver...that's how I met him lol). I guess I can add that to my list of things that are contributing to my horrible and unstable moods.

I don't know if I wrote about my last appointment with the CSD, I think I did, but I don't think I mentioned that Christine has set me up an appointment with a counsellor there. Ack more stuff to get nervous over. She also said there is a psychiatrist on staff and I could get a med consult and confirmation of my dx and of course I said no I'm ok until I get into ERMH 6 mons from now. How stupid am I?! Here I was hoping to get to a pdoc anyway possible as soon as possible and I don't take up the offer. More nerves I think. AAAAAA I'm a nervous wreck. I feel like I'm back in high school. I hope not (not that I'm actually back in high school duh but that I'm back in the mental state I was in highschool because that was probably the worst I've been until maybe now and the last month with the stupid mixed states and ultra rapid cycling. I was so out of control in high school and things just kept getting worse and worse and piling on top of each other (wonder where the multiple dx's come from?) (Add to the list I have previously mentioned, the ED - which come to think of it surprises me that it's not on the list, or wasn't at that time - that's what I was working on with my first therapist there, but I don't think he dx'ed me anything. He was more concerned with getting stuff done and getting me out of there because he didn't want me to be a lifer (well not what he said more like he doesn't want me to become dependant on the mental health system) ha! I could probably add codependant and hypochondriac to the list lol and he saw that in me).

Well if there is a point in there I don't know.

If you've made it this far, thanks. I need something, someone right now. Wound like a top again/still and of course not euphoric. I haven't had a "good" mania in a long time. Now I really want to get things stable. Although I still don't need to sleep and am getting stuff done but I'm just not that happy. The fact that 20 hr days are still not long enough to get everything done could have somthing to do with it. Oh yeah time to print out a new mood log. New month tomorrow (today lol) yeah! sorta. (Not yeah, because it just means assignments are closer to being due - the major ones)

Oops that was supposed to be my sign off and it turned into a whole other paragraph.

Ok I'll stop bugging you now.

It's weird that I say I need someone now because I wanted to talk to my friend but when we started talking on MSN I ended up not wanting to talk to here and it irritated the s*** out of me.

For real I'm going now and will try to refrain from posting.

Amanda

Amanda

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 8:58am

Girlfriend...I feel the same exact way you do ALL the time...it sucks...I can't offer you much advice, other than deep breathing, it does work...and meditations.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 9:56am

Okay Amanda/S,

Do You think your anxiety might be because you have GAD? Honey, having anxiety about the little things is fairly normal for those of us with GAD. You're doing a great job of breaking through it by mailing those E-mails.

This is just a guess on my part but, I bet your pastor is worried about you but, doesn't want to push you. You just might want to send one of those e-mails. It might be good for you and him. Just a thought. It sounds like you miss talking to him too.

CALL CHRISTINE!!! Get that appt! You're not okay!!!!! (I say that with much love) The counseling is great but that pdoc appt is a nesessary visit. I know it's hard to go to a new pdoc but, please call Christine and get that visit. You don't need to wait 6 months if you don't have too. There are NO martars here!

I'm sorry you decided that you didn't want to talk to your friend. I talked to my best friend for over an hour the other day (she's in Texas). For the last few months one or the other of us has been depressed when we've talked so we didn't talk long. Now I'm doing okay and she's on Zoloft. (Her new pdoc told her to take the meds as he RX'd instead of messing with the dose like she usually does) It's made a big difference in her.

You said you have so much to get done that you can't fit it into a 20 hour day. I hope you're including your meditation and some kind of exercise! I know Nag, Nag, Nag! I just can't help myself. :o)

Love and Hugs to you,

Love,

Jamie

Love,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 2:24pm

Amanda,


I don't have an answer, but if you come up with one, let me know--maybe it will work for both of us!-LOL!


Are just normally kind of a worry wort?

Avatar for schitz
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Registered: 02-06-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 8:45pm

Thanks keli. And love you too! You DO make me feel soooooo loved! (Can you tell I'm in a good manic stage right now...just hoping that the spiral into dysphoria takes a long time). I would love to hear your meditations. I have one, and actually took a workshop TODAY on how to meditate. It was good (Except I felt so dizzy) no matter how much I concentrated on my breathing - I felt like chair I was on was spinning and I was going to fall off - at least the second exercise was better because there was more to "do" than just focusing on breathing. But I have a lot to say so I'll be posting an update later anyway.

I may say screw the meds myself. I just feel worse now than I have in a long time. There are so many factors though.

Ah well, better go. I could go on forever!

Amanda

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Registered: 02-06-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 9:04pm

Man, I love you Jamie!!! You are so awesome! You are always there for me (especially cool since I seem to be going nuts with the posting lately). Yes the GAD just might have something to do with it :P lol...but I have been having much less in the past 5 years (not gone, but less...not that I noticed it was less until now that it's bad and I realize that I'm back where I was in high school) anyway... You're right about the pastor not wanting to push me. He will never make the first move. Even when I was talking to him before, I had to be the one to initiate it (more anxiety grrr and lol). The problem is, as has always been the case, as soon as I get a chance to realize what I've been letting out about myself I freak and "the wall" goes back up. It was actually quite odd that I let it down for so long before. Maybe it would have stayed down this time if I had been able to keep talking to him...but I'm not going to impose when the man has pneumonia...I have enough trouble imposing when he's well (we only had one "counselling" appointment...we talked on the bus).

As for the pdoc. Yes I know I should but there is no way I will call. I might email or I might wait until I see her again (not till next week for our appointment...actually that's not true. I see her tomorrow at the mental wellness support group. Ahh forgot about that. Now I've got something else to be anxious about. You know, my prof told me the same thing today. Grrr. It must mean you guys are right. I was talking to my prof (the one I like and has taken an interest in my wellbeing since the summer and I've had many courses with her) like I normally do every week and (she closed the door ahhhhh of course I didn't say anything about feeling trapped and claustrophobic) but anyway she said "Have you told all this to your doctor? (mixed states, ultra rapid cycling, other stresses, how I feel like I'm back in high school, how my cycles get worse and worse, how I feel like going off meds completely because I feel worse now than I have in a long time (at least more unstable and seriously on the edge..of what? I don't know "One step closer to the edge and I'm about to break" Yes I have a song for everything). Are you seeing a psychiatrist?" and I told her how it's 6 months to get into ERMH and about Christine suggesting the pdoc and she also said that I really need to see him/her to get my meds checked.

I wanted to talk to my friend (although she told me last time I was depressed to "snap out if it" grrr. She had only seen me manic pretty much for all the first semester and before that phase things weren't too bad or noticable plus I don't think we got to know each other until a few weeks into the semester. But when she started IMing me the little sound it makes every time I received a message made me want to explode. I ended up pulling some major attitude and we just stopped talking (she asked how things are for me...I said fine....wonderful, marvelous, perfect :P and she thought I meant that. I told her no it means I'm NOT fine but don't want to talk about it.) I better send her a message and say sorry or something. I hate always having to have the "morning after" affect - figuring out who I hurt last night and making amends...seems like I'm the AA steps lol. and will be on that "make a list of persons we had harmed" stage forever.

I don't really exercise but I walk every day to get to my bus stop and that's 20-30 min or more a day. I'm going to start soon but my focus right now is school (oh I do dance around the apartment and clean that's my exercise lol) And I do meditate a bit. As I said I attended a workshop today. I am quite proud that I didn't chicken out!

I am so sorry...here I go writing a novel again!

Amanda

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Registered: 02-06-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 9:05pm

Thanks Marci -

I know what you mean about "normal" anxiety getting completely blown up. I think that's part of the GAD on my part but maybe part of the dysphoric side of things too.

Hugs,

Amanda

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Registered: 02-06-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 9:09pm

Oh yeah...after all that posting...

The reply to my own post!

I got an answer from the prof. She said she can't because she doesn't have them ready until the day of the class. I'm still going to bring it up with Christine next appointment. Maybe if I get a request for it she'll have to do something? Even just like 1/2 hr before class would be good so I could go through everything and straighten things out in my head before class...but here's the kicker...she and my TA have NO office hours. They decided to answer questions by email instead. How nice.

Hmmm... so much for "trying to refrain from posting"

I'll stop now.

Amanda

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Registered: 12-20-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 1:41pm

Amanda,

First, don't you dare refrain from posting! And you can write me a novel anytime. It made me feel special. Thanks!

SSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOO your thinking about getting of the meds. On the meds and cycling can really suck but, off the meds sucks too. I agree with your prof you need to tell this ALL to the doc. Don't hold anything back. You'll never be on the right meds if you don't. Now promise you'll tell Christine!!!! I can understand waiting until you see her at your next appt. I probably would too.

Yeah, I think it would be a little tacky too to ask you pastor to talk while he has pneumonia. :oD. Just my opinion though. ;o)

You joined a mental health awareness group? YaY! for you! That must have been tough for you but it's great you're being proactive about the nasty disease. I'm proud of you for that and the meditation class. Is there going to be more than one class? I know what you mean about getting dissy. When I first took the breathing class, I finally realized I was breath to much because I was consintrating on it and was hyperventalating. LoL I know I'm a mess!

I think snap out of it is the worst thing I can possibly hear. It just makes me feel worse and guilty that I can't. I wish there was a way to tell people how much that hurts instead of helps but, I know they'll never understand.

Walking 20-30 minutes each day is exercise! You should get yourself a pedometer if you can afford one (They're like $7 at walmart down here. I don't know about there.)I keep mine on all day and challenge myself to just walk a few more steps than the day before. I do pretty well at it just around the house! Just a thought.

Last but not least...I love you too.

Love,

Jamie

Love,

Avatar for schitz
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Registered: 02-06-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 1:34am

Hi Jamie. Thanks for making ME feel special!

Ya, I guess I should give the meds a chance but so far nothing and I've been doing my research and they all seem to SUCK! Such serious even potentially fatal SEs on all of them.

Now I think I may have confused you (not hard in my current state lol) but my doc, Christine, the counsellor and the (potential) pdoc are all different people. My life is run by appointment. I'm getting a little sick of it. And the pastor is better but still looking for answers with regards to the illness he had -so he's still not back at work. I don't know if he will go back. I think he was thinking of leaving anyway. Even if he does I don't think I could go back to talking to him on the bus the way I used to.

I did talk abit with Christine at group today, but obviously not private. I told her about the experience with the cd and with the other prof who won't give me the handouts before class.

It's a mental wellness support group. As far as I know mental health awareness is not part of it, but it is something I am all for. I'm starting to be pretty open about my MIs. (funny thought came to my head...MI being myocardial infarction...ie heart attack. but anwyay) I am making t-shirts that will be funny and promote awareness. I have to say I'm stealing ideas for some of them though.

I don't have a pedometer, but I do have a really cool gadget I just got at Radio Shack. It's a body fat analyzer which is why I got it, but it also records how many calories you're burning, whenever it is moving (I think it is assuming walking on a flat surface at 3.5 km/hr or something like that). I don't wear it anymore though. I did the first couple days but I just can't be bothered anymore. I keep worrying about losing it. So I just keep it to do the body fat %

Thanks,

Hugs,

Amanda

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Registered: 12-20-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 5:58pm

Amanda,

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There are times when I'm a little dense!!!!!

The Gadget you're talking about sounds neat! It actually measures your body fat at home? COOL! You know they sell leashes for stuff like that? They were talking about leashes for peds on another sight. I'll look for the thread and let you know where they are.

(Now that's stupid of me to say I forgot that you have to pay tax on everything you order in Canada)

Maybe at a sporting goods store you could find one. I love any gadget that can help me compete against myself. I'm really good on a team too. I don't compete well one on one though because I always want the other person to win!

Mental Health wellness sounds like an even better group! YaY! for you!!! I know it took guts for you to go! YaY! for you! Was it interesting? How many people were there? Did everyone get to just say what they wanted or was there a set topic? *Inquiring minds* want to know all about it. Does Christine lead the group or is she just a moderator? I am glad you're able to be more open about your MI's. It's so freeing.

I'm really proud about your T-Shirts! I still think they are a great idea! I wear my bp like a badge! It's amazing how many people you can touch by being open. Everybody seems to know somebody with bp or a related illness. Those who turn up their nose, I say screw them. Life's too short!

That's true about the meds. The MS I'm on legthens the QT intervial in your heart beat. They did an EKG on me before I started to make sure there was no problem with my heart beat to start with. As long as I don't go on something else that legthens the QT intervial it's fine. I'd say irregular heart beat is a pretty scarey side effect! I couldn't sleep the first 3 nights on it because I kept imagining my heart rythem was off. LOL! The thing I hate about welbutrin is it can make your heart race. I hate that feeling. While it's not deadly it's pretty scarey!

Well now that my novel is written...I'll end here.

Love,

Jamie

Love,

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