Why do I get so anxious? grrr
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| Tue, 02-01-2005 - 3:40am |
It seems I have a real problem sending the "important" emails and get a real sinking feeling in my stomach when I hit that "send" button. AAAAAAAahhh... ok. I just sent a message to my prof asking for the handouts before the day of class so I can have read it and then I know what is on it so I don't have to try to read and listen and write at the same time, and with the distractibility on top of that I'm lost already. So why do I feel so bad about sending the email? I guess I'm embarassed. I don't know. The same thing happens any time I go to write an email to my friend/pastor/counsellor to say I need him. Only, with him I just haven't sent the emails. Wow, it's been 5 months since I've talked to him (well...REALLY talked - I see him sunday..he's the pastor). I used to spend every night letting it all out to him on the bus (he's also my bus driver...that's how I met him lol). I guess I can add that to my list of things that are contributing to my horrible and unstable moods.
I don't know if I wrote about my last appointment with the CSD, I think I did, but I don't think I mentioned that Christine has set me up an appointment with a counsellor there. Ack more stuff to get nervous over. She also said there is a psychiatrist on staff and I could get a med consult and confirmation of my dx and of course I said no I'm ok until I get into ERMH 6 mons from now. How stupid am I?! Here I was hoping to get to a pdoc anyway possible as soon as possible and I don't take up the offer. More nerves I think. AAAAAA I'm a nervous wreck. I feel like I'm back in high school. I hope not (not that I'm actually back in high school duh but that I'm back in the mental state I was in highschool because that was probably the worst I've been until maybe now and the last month with the stupid mixed states and ultra rapid cycling. I was so out of control in high school and things just kept getting worse and worse and piling on top of each other (wonder where the multiple dx's come from?) (Add to the list I have previously mentioned, the ED - which come to think of it surprises me that it's not on the list, or wasn't at that time - that's what I was working on with my first therapist there, but I don't think he dx'ed me anything. He was more concerned with getting stuff done and getting me out of there because he didn't want me to be a lifer (well not what he said more like he doesn't want me to become dependant on the mental health system) ha! I could probably add codependant and hypochondriac to the list lol and he saw that in me).
Well if there is a point in there I don't know.
If you've made it this far, thanks. I need something, someone right now. Wound like a top again/still and of course not euphoric. I haven't had a "good" mania in a long time. Now I really want to get things stable. Although I still don't need to sleep and am getting stuff done but I'm just not that happy. The fact that 20 hr days are still not long enough to get everything done could have somthing to do with it. Oh yeah time to print out a new mood log. New month tomorrow (today lol) yeah! sorta. (Not yeah, because it just means assignments are closer to being due - the major ones)
Oops that was supposed to be my sign off and it turned into a whole other paragraph.
Ok I'll stop bugging you now.
It's weird that I say I need someone now because I wanted to talk to my friend but when we started talking on MSN I ended up not wanting to talk to here and it irritated the s*** out of me.
For real I'm going now and will try to refrain from posting.
Amanda
Amanda


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Jamie...
No prob about the mix up, it happens...especially when I'm manic - I'm sure you know quite how fast things can go and all over the place, so I'm sure that was my fault.
I'm not worrying about wearing the body fat analyzer because there is no guarantee that it is measuring the right amount of cals burned. I use fit day (sometimes lol I'm so bad about keeping on top of that...just like email and other boards. I guess I'm just doing too much, as usual).
The group was good. I have no idea what I already wrote about it, so if I repeat myself I'm sorry. There were 7 people - Christine is staff, then there is another person who is helping to run it but who is also a bipolar. We didn't have any set thing to talk about, we may have themes in the future but today they don't know what we would like to do. We watched a video (made in Toronto yeah!) actually part of it.
The first thing I asked before we even got started is do we get a break. I'm sure Christine should have expected that because we are asking for permission for me to have breaks in my exam because I can't hold my concentration and am completely restless, at least when I'm manic, which is the case right now. (well I'm not too high yet, but each day I have gotten higher and higher and it is just a question of time before I get too fast and too scrambled. and then the inevitable crash. But I will not think about that. I'm going to try and enjoy what little clarity i have left. It's starting to go. I had a really hard time at the doc's today trying to remember what I wanted to say (even with my paper in front of me) and even if I could rememeber it was hard to form comprehensible sentances.
In the group the student moderator (well i don't even know if that's what she is but whatever) introduced herself and shared that she was bipolar which I think is great. No one else did including me but when we were discussing after the video I said it because it came up when I was talking (as if they couldn't tell) I said I couldn't believe how supportive the parents were in the video - mine are clueless. My dad know that I was on ADs and in counselling once upon a time but I'm "fine" now. And I had to tell my mom yesterday what I meant when I said I'm hypomanic. (SHe said you're in a good mood today and I said that's because I'm hypomanic and then had to explain) And I said until now (refering to the student helper) I had never met another bipolar in "real" life and at that the two people beside me put up their hands...cool. It looks like we are a group mainly of bipolars...the one guy didn't say anything about his and the other girl had left by that point.
I can't wait to make some tshirts. I just need more time. Even with the lack of sleep there aren't enough hours in the day. Did I tell you (and don't shoot me) that I slept 3 hrs 4 days ago and then didn't sleep for two days and then 3 hrs last night. The people at the group even suggested I need something to sleep and they don't even know me. But I will post more about my appointment later.
I will make you (and anyone else) a tshirt if you want...just give me a while to get some made up and then I can put the pictures online. And don't hold your breath. I'm already doing too much lol. But I will do it. I don't back down on my word.
I know about the racing heart....and it can be life threatening. I already have tachychardia so it's not good for me...yet I am taking Wellbutrin that lists that as a SE. So far I'm okay, but I didn't want to take anything with that as a SE because I was afraid that my heart would literally go so fast I would die.
Well that's it for now (even though I will probably post a new message shortly about my docs appt).
And I'll take a novel from you anytime too (that goes for anyone else who might be reading this...don't think you can't jump in lol)
Amanda
edit...oh my gosh I'm sorry this is so much of a novel...it seems I'm getting worse.
Edited 2/4/2005 12:54 am ET ET by schitz
Amanda,
I didn't see another post by you so I'm posting here. I've heard about fit day. I'm going to have to check it out. (In all my spare time ;o))
Your group sounds neat! SSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOO now you've finally met some fellow bp's. Could you pick them out in a crowd?:o) It's funny how we just blend in. I think it's neat that a fellow bp is helping to run the group.
Don't let the movie fool you. You're not alone in the parents not quite getting it department. While I've met some wonderful parents, they are few and far between. Believe me.
Post about your doc appt! You've got me all curious. I don't care if you post it to everybody *Inquiring minds* (and just the plain nosey like me) want to know!
Take your time on the tshirts. They will be there when you get to them. I can't wait to see them though. I just think you're brillant!
Thanks for letting me know about the racing heart thing!!! I luckily dropped back on my welbutrin as soon as the estrogen kicked in. I still can't believe I was so stupid not to think there was something else going on when I was on such a high dose. I am exactly the right age.
**Yes anyone else reading this PLEASE feel free to join in!**
Love and hugs,
Jamie
Love,
I LOVE that coffee cup icon!!!! Mmmm coffee. So ya that's me having a break. I don't care if they call the emoticon Welcome, whatever.
Never did get around to posting the details last night. I guess I should have because I flipped to irritable raging mania and was having a rough night.
Okay, so the dr's appointment. It was good. My doc got to see me all scrambled which was good. I know that sounds strange but most of the time when I see him I'm pretty functional but yesterday I was quickly losing it. So he got to see me in the beginnings of my manic glory. It gets worse I said. I know this may be irrational but I feel that now he can finally "believe" me. I just feel that someone is going to turn around and say, ya right you're not bp, it's not bad enough, or I don't see any sign of it.
I think I got out everything I had to say, well no I skipped over a lot because it didn't make sense to say that anymore.
I told him that the only SE was dry mouth and I'm dealing with that. I told him that I went up to 2 pills on Monday. "Did I say you could do that?" "No" . I'm quite sure he doesn't like me self-medicating, but at the same time he raised it not only double but 4 times the amount. Thankfully my new prescription will be in the double size so I won't be taking 4 pills a day. He said to go right to that amount now but I'm working my way there.
He also knows how much research I've done on the meds and the disorder and at first I thought he disapproved of that. I promise I'll stop reading I said. No it's good to be informed but you can't take everything at face value. Pay attention to how they make Mandi feel.
Everyone kept suggesting that I get something to help me sleep after the last 4 days no kidding - 3hrs no sleep no sleep 3hrs. Less than one night's worth of sleep over the course of 4 days. So I got a benzo for that.
I've thought of something and I may be totally off but my theory is that my meds are affecting how tired I am. I tend to get tired right around 8-9pm just before taking my AD again, but then I'm wide awake when I should be going to bed. I'm going to try to take that earlier and see.
Went to see my prof today. (She's GOT to be sick of me by now). Handed her my reflection paper (i do them weekly to make up for the tutorials I can't go to because of the size of the room and the number of people in it). So she offered me a seat and we chatted a bit. After her suggestion that I really should be telling my doc everything and I should take up the offer to see the pdoc at school for a med check, after that I figured that kind of meant she didn't want to hear about this anymore. So I kind of tried to stay away from the subject today but then she asked me about it...how things are going with the csd, if my doc changed my meds. Wow. Hmmm. Maybe I'm just being paranoid about her not wanting to talk to me. She wanted a coffee and of course I will never say no to that. So we went to the Union Market (student run store) and got our coffees. She was going to pay for mine. Hmmm. This is great, but is it appropriate. I have liked her from the beginning and have wanted to become aquaintences but what if people think that I don't deserve whatever mark I get, that I got it because of favouritism?
That's all I'm going to say for now. There is so much more I'm sure (for example last night's trip over to the SI board and this morning's problems). I just scrolled up though and holy moly here I go again. I am so sorry.
Still manic mandi...but a little more irritable mania and more scrambled and unable to concentrate or do anything.
Hey Manic Mandi,
How you doing today?
Yes your lack of sleep can be your antid! I can't take my welbutrin after 5 pm or forget sleeping that night. It's notorious for that side effect. I can't believe your doc or pharm didn't tell you. I wish I had thought of it for you. Sorry! I feel like I let you down some how.
Yes you should have posted last night! I hope you feel some better now.
I'm glad your doc upped your meds! Good for you. Most docs seem to believe that research is a good thing unless they have self confidence issues of their own. He has appoint about listening to Mandi. Smart man.
It doesn't sound strange to me that you're glad your doc saw you that way. I'm always scared to death when I start with a new pdoc for fear they won't believe me or something. My pdoc now has me pegged as a type 2 and I'm a Type 1 but, he's never seen me manic. I have to talk to him about it next time I go because I worry that if we move I'll have the wrong dx and something might get screwed up.
I know what you mean about haveing to edit stuff out once you start saying it out loud. I have to do it to. When I write it it makes sense. Then when I start into it it's either not neccessary or doesn't fit or just plain doesn't make any sense. So I edit on the run a lot.:o)
Good thing on the pills being a double dose. I used to have to take 3 prozac pills at a time because I was on 30mg and they don't come in that size. Now I'm on 40 and it's just one. I get tired of taking all those pills. When you kick in my vitamins and suppliments that's all I do all day!
YaY for you on the Benzo. I hope it helps you sleep. If you change your AD time you may not even need it more then every once in a while. I can't take them. I like them too much. ;o) I had to make a choice. Weak willed I guess.
I'm glad your prof let you know in her own way that she still cared about how you're doing. Maybe she told you to call about the pdoc etc. because you should. LoL Paranioa is an interesting thing. Going for coffee sounds nice. Let her buy your coffee you're a starving student! Who gives a crap what other people think. In a few years you'll have your degree and NO ONE will know the difference.
Okay you got my nosieness (if that's a word) going about what happened on the trip to the SI board and what started it. And you problems this morning. My worry flag is UP!
I wanted to tell you real quick that I started an exercise program today. It's just walking. You inspired me with your walk to the bus ect. I found a way to start slowly in a diabetes book I'm reading so...I went up and got a new inhaler and just started this morning. This week I do it twice and day for 15 minutes. Wish me luck!
Love,
Jamie
Love,
Travi
Jamie,
Yeah on the walking program! It will be great for you. I don't even feel like I'm exercising, but when I get a ride somewhere that I normally walk I feel like I'm missing something. Exercise doesn't have to feel like exercise.
How am I today? Hmm...still manic but going back and forth between happy and irritable. How are YOU today?
I'm having a real tough time scheduling my meds right now. I'm on Wellbutrin twice a day and Epival 3 times so they don't coincide. I had been taking the W 9am and 9pm. I guess I could do it as soon as 5pm. I don't think it is supposed to be anything closer than 8hrs. I'll have to try that, but that means being up and remembering to take my morning pills on time. I ended up taking the morning pills at 4pm today, 2:30 the other day etc. Soon I will be taking the Epival twice a day too since I got the double size pills (which are more than double in size physically yuck I hate to swallow pills!)
It is so hard not to be paranoid, but I will try to remind myself that I'm being silly and enjoy my time with my prof and actually there is another person that I think the exact same way about...until either of them tell me right out that they want me to shut up or go away or whatever.
Don't worry about the SI. I'm surviving pretty much. I didn't have my first aid kit with me yesterday so I knew I couldn't fix it if I did something too bad.
Love,
Amanda
Hi travinski,
I totally would much rather hide behind my computer screen than have to talk to someone, but if I have to talking on the phone is better than face to face. Maybe that's why when I talk to someone face to face I have a problem with eye-contact.
It is nice talking to you, write back anytime.
Amanda
Hi Amanda,
I'll bet that's a jolly ride between happy and irritable. Sorry to hear it.
I'm doing pretty good. I'm a little tired for some reason but that's it. I did go to bed late last night. Well late for me.:o)I am making chili and Mexican cornbread for the Super bowl halftime show. The "chili" is a new recipe. It doesn't resemble Texas Chili in anyway but it sounds really good. We'll see.
I did my morning walk today with no wheezing. That was nice. The temps dropping so I may have to abort my afternoon walk in mid stride if I start wheezing bad. The cold weather is the worst for me.
If you over lap your welbutrin a little it's okay (I mean take it closer than 8 hours apart) I've been on three welbutrin (2 in the morning and 1 at night) and 4 (2 and 2) before so I know you won't get zapped if you're off a little bit. Let's put it this way...I haven't dropped dead yet!;o)
I hate horse pills too. My fishoil is as big as the end of your thumb. What I hate the worst though is a dry pill. The kind that sticks to your tongue and won't go down.
I'm glad the SI is under control for now. I think if not having your first aid kit with you keeps you from it you should throw out your first aid kit. ;oD I know I'm an idiot but it's was just a thought.
Got to run. No novel today! Aren't you lucky.
Love,
Jamie
Love,
Jamie,
No novel :( I love to hear from you.
My mom made me chili tonight too. I wasn't around for the night I went to an AA meeting (mainly to see my friend, is that bad?) And I wanted to get out of the house because Stu is back today and as it is he's always watching sports Sundays, let along Superbowl.
Way to go on the walking without wheezing! I have noticed that lately I can sing better (of course not when I need to like this morning at church - we were supposed to do "All in All" in a round but my voice was non-existent. I had a perma-frog in my throat and it felt like I could get no breath behind my voice). But tonight when I was waiting for the bus home I sang at the top of my lungs. (not too many people out and about tonight) It's weird sometimes I can sing in the middle of a group of people (I even have just standing around downtown) but when I have to do it IN FRONT of people my voice gets so shaky and weak. I guess I don't sing out because I'm afraid of singing out and being off key REALLY LOUD but more than likely I'm more off key when I'm not singing out.
SI sorta under control but not going to go into that. I may post to the SI board tonight.
I just learned yet another new thing about this wonderful disorder. It is possible to have a brief period of depression within a manic phase without switching to the depressed state. I can't remember what that's called. Ah well. That was me today. All of a sudden I went from angry to crying. (In public no less grrr). Then tonight I was happy manic and then crying again (again in public) and now manic again. Sheesh!
Love ya!
Amanda
Amanda,
Your state has two name a "Mixed State" and "Not Much Fun" especailly in public! I've burst out crying in many a place. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!
I'm a little on the down side today. It started snowing last night and there's already a good three to Four inches on the ground and has started snowing again hard. No outside walking for me. I went downstairs and cleaned off my treadmill (yes I have one and it's a nice one) and walked there this morning with my head phones on but it's just not the same. No wheezing though. I wouldn't make it half a block outside without dropping dead. So I think I'll stay inside!
At least you can sing. Have you ever seem American Idol? I sing like one of their rejects on a bad day! I can't carry a tune in a rain barrel. I love to turn on music and sing at the top of my lungs when I'm home alone or in the car. Then I don't care who hears me. It's just fun.
Sorry your voice left you at church. What kind of music do you like? I'm a big country music fan. I have been for years. Don't know what it is about it! I just can't get enough.
You can go to AA meetings for whatever reason you want. I don't go anymore because I can't handle the stress. Yes stress. I have no memory for all the lingo and I feel like an outsider even after 18 years. Then if anyone finds out about my bp they seem to think I can fix it by working the steps harder. Go figure. My dh has always been really active in AA until we moved here. I think it's different when you're going where you grew up in AA and then move. Though AA is the same everywhere local customs are formed so it's different.
Away I'm off to lunch and a brief walk.
Love,
Jamie
Love,
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