Why do I get so anxious? grrr

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Registered: 02-06-2004
Why do I get so anxious? grrr
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Tue, 02-01-2005 - 3:40am

It seems I have a real problem sending the "important" emails and get a real sinking feeling in my stomach when I hit that "send" button. AAAAAAAahhh... ok. I just sent a message to my prof asking for the handouts before the day of class so I can have read it and then I know what is on it so I don't have to try to read and listen and write at the same time, and with the distractibility on top of that I'm lost already. So why do I feel so bad about sending the email? I guess I'm embarassed. I don't know. The same thing happens any time I go to write an email to my friend/pastor/counsellor to say I need him. Only, with him I just haven't sent the emails. Wow, it's been 5 months since I've talked to him (well...REALLY talked - I see him sunday..he's the pastor). I used to spend every night letting it all out to him on the bus (he's also my bus driver...that's how I met him lol). I guess I can add that to my list of things that are contributing to my horrible and unstable moods.

I don't know if I wrote about my last appointment with the CSD, I think I did, but I don't think I mentioned that Christine has set me up an appointment with a counsellor there. Ack more stuff to get nervous over. She also said there is a psychiatrist on staff and I could get a med consult and confirmation of my dx and of course I said no I'm ok until I get into ERMH 6 mons from now. How stupid am I?! Here I was hoping to get to a pdoc anyway possible as soon as possible and I don't take up the offer. More nerves I think. AAAAAA I'm a nervous wreck. I feel like I'm back in high school. I hope not (not that I'm actually back in high school duh but that I'm back in the mental state I was in highschool because that was probably the worst I've been until maybe now and the last month with the stupid mixed states and ultra rapid cycling. I was so out of control in high school and things just kept getting worse and worse and piling on top of each other (wonder where the multiple dx's come from?) (Add to the list I have previously mentioned, the ED - which come to think of it surprises me that it's not on the list, or wasn't at that time - that's what I was working on with my first therapist there, but I don't think he dx'ed me anything. He was more concerned with getting stuff done and getting me out of there because he didn't want me to be a lifer (well not what he said more like he doesn't want me to become dependant on the mental health system) ha! I could probably add codependant and hypochondriac to the list lol and he saw that in me).

Well if there is a point in there I don't know.

If you've made it this far, thanks. I need something, someone right now. Wound like a top again/still and of course not euphoric. I haven't had a "good" mania in a long time. Now I really want to get things stable. Although I still don't need to sleep and am getting stuff done but I'm just not that happy. The fact that 20 hr days are still not long enough to get everything done could have somthing to do with it. Oh yeah time to print out a new mood log. New month tomorrow (today lol) yeah! sorta. (Not yeah, because it just means assignments are closer to being due - the major ones)

Oops that was supposed to be my sign off and it turned into a whole other paragraph.

Ok I'll stop bugging you now.

It's weird that I say I need someone now because I wanted to talk to my friend but when we started talking on MSN I ended up not wanting to talk to here and it irritated the s*** out of me.

For real I'm going now and will try to refrain from posting.

Amanda

Amanda

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Avatar for schitz
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Registered: 02-06-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 4:15pm

Hi Jamie...

Well I wasn't exactly talking about a mixed state. Ugh I wish I could remember the name. Other than that small episode of depression it is a manic state. But I will agree with "not much fun" in any case.

Currently I am depressed and pretty much unable to do anything. I want to call my boss and tell him where to go (not that he did anything) and my other Guide leader... I just can't do this right now. Why can't I just go to school or work not both? Then there is the other school on top (correspondence)... etc etc the list never ends.

It's raining here right now and 6C !!!! I wish it would stay but we know that it's not true... there's still another 3 months of winter lol (O Canada our home and native land) :D

Glad you had a good walk on the treadmill. When I used to go to the gym that's the first thing I would do. I'd run for an hour watching Judge Judy and some talk show...but funny enough they didn't have the sound on...but there was music and the tv was just a focal point.

No I can't sing. The only reason I do at church is because the pastor makes me lol. (Just picturing him saying "you'll do what you're told" :) when he asks me if I'm singing today and I say no). It doesn't matter to him whether I'm good because we're "making a joyful noise" as he reminds me (in other words, "yes you suck but it doesn't matter") I started by playing the guitar and only got singing later. I too love to crank the music and sing at the top of my lungs which is probably the only time I am remotely on key but I can't do that at church because I get nervous.

I like pretty much everything, except dance and that type of thing. I particularly like oldies, classic rock and alternative.

When I started to go to AA I was going for my friend. She had just started and I thought I was being supportive. Then I started to relate to a lot of stuff that they were saying and did the quizzes and they said I had a problem but I didn't think I did. Still I figured I'd try it. "The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking" and "you are an alcoholic if you say you are" seemed to be enough justification for me. I only went to a couple discussion meetings anyway. My group is a speaker meeting so I don't have to talk. They say never say no if asked to do something but I am not getting up there now. I don't feel comfortable getting up there and introducing myself as an alcoholic. I just think that everyone is connected to me in some way and it's going to end up badly for me....either people know my family, or I know from Guiding, work, school...or worse, could be the families of the people I may some day be teaching. I know there's the whole anonymity thing which is totally respected by members but it's an open meeting so anyone can come. Plus the one time I did do something, I read Yesterday Today and Tomorrow (Have I posted that here yet?) and I thought I knew it well. I even said so as I got up there and then I stumbled over the very first sentence. I guess God (or whatever) was trying to teach me humility lol. I do love the family I have there. But I think I'm going to ask to be taken off the group list. I don't go to business meetings. I don't want to be involved in the meetings (I usually just hang out in the kitchen). I don't want to celebrate an anniversary.

Okay maybe I am a little dysphoric or mixed I don't know. I don't really care. I think with the constant med changes it's going to be a while before I can trust that my moods are what I think they are and not just a SE of meds (I have increased 3 times in the last week but this will be it until my next appointment).

Well gonna go now. I've yacked long enough (even without getting to anything new from today). Ah well not that important I guess.

Amanda

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Registered: 12-20-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 1:07pm

Hi Amanda,

I read your post last night and then got way laid. Sorry I didn't post back last night!

I hope you didn't call your boss or guide leader. This might not be a good time. ;o) Did your boss ever say anything to you about the tomato sauce?

I admire you for juggling everything you're juggling right now. I don't know how you do it but, when it's all over you'll look back and be glad you stuck with it.

We had about another 5 inches of snow yesterday (on top of about 5 inches from the night before). It was the worst snow in February in 7 years. Aren't we lucky?!? We've lived here 6 of those seven. The good thing for me is I can't shovel snow because of my Asthma. I do end up hearing all about it from my dh (the Texan). We live in a high desert and have had a drought almost since we moved here. The drought decided to break this winter. It's not been much fun. We had one day of sunshine the other day and that was it. While it's not raining or snowing everyday we still have the overcast sky. Yuck! God Bless America! :oD

Judge Judy or the talk show was probably better with the sound off! Why don't you go to the gym any more? Time I'll bet. Is Canada like Germany where they will pay for a gym if you have certain illnesses and get a rx from your doc? Probably not since they won't even cover a pdoc.

LoL...I love the "Joyful Noise" line!!! The only thing I can say about being off key is "What's a Key?" ;o)

Oldies? I'll bet you concider what I listen to in college Oldies. LoL! I remember the first time I heard a song from High School on an oldies station. It was tough when I realized it really was an oldie.

Don't get taken off the meeting list! That's your group no matter at what level you participate. You feel like you belong there so it's your home group. Being off the list would be a good excuse to stop going! (I know listen to me and I don't go)It funny how so many of us come in through the back door! We go to AA or Alanon for "someone else" and end up joining ourselves. You don't have to celibrate Anniversaries if you don't want to. That's a choice. It's more for the new comer than you anyway. It just shows them it can be done. I'm glad you found a group where you feel at home.

No you haven't posted about Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow yet.

Ya, I'd say your moods are probably due to all the med changes so quickly. I'm glad there will be sometime for them to settle down before you see your doc again. When do you see Christine again? and for that matter your doc?

OOPS! Getting a little long. Take care of you!

Love,

Jamie

Love,

Avatar for schitz
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Registered: 02-06-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 6:49pm

Never too long Jamie,

No I didn't call my boss or guide leader and went to guides last night and it was okay although it was tough for me to hide the irritability. But I was cooking pancakes and the other leader ran the rest of it thank god/dess (yes i have a "different" view of spirituality even though I play guitar at a baptist mission). So we did pancake tuesday a day early and also chinese new year and guiding around the world. Half of my girls (I have 4 now) are not religious so they don't get the pancake tuesday thing, but they get to eat pancakes so its good.

My boss never did say anything about the tomato sauce. The last time I saw him he was freaking (well not literally like we (well me) would) about the number of buns left not matching the number of subs sold. We figured that out though.

I don't know how I do it either. I have an essay due in exactly one week and I'm freaking out now. I haven't had the time to do my regular school work let alone the big assignments.

I don't go to the gym because my membership expired (this was 8 years ago) and then I moved and then my life became too hectic. I could get a membership at the unversity for very little but I don't like doing things for the first time and would need someone to show me the ropes then I'd be okay. We also have FREE access to the pool but I haven't taken advantage of it. Now that I've started SIing again it might be a while...or maybe an incentive not to SI. Never heard of gym being covered by insurance or anything.

Oldies to me is really oldies (1950-60s) and when my music becomes oldies I think I will have to freak.

I will post Yesterday Today and Tomorrow in another thread.

I see Christine again Thursday (well technically tomorrow for group) and my doc next thurs and a brand new person (counselling) next friday YIKES!

AFN

Amanda

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Registered: 12-20-2004
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 2:44pm

Amanda,

Your views on Spirituality aren't "different" they're your views. When it comes to spirituality I am just happy for someone to have something to believe in (and I live in Morman counrty). I've learned to live and let live. I think it's great that you're open minded enough to choose a Baptist Mission to play in.

Just thought I'd ask about the insuance thing with the gym. In Germany if you have certain illnesses they even pay for you to go to a spa for a week. No THAT'S medical care! They pay for it though!!! Through taxes.

Next pancake Tuesday eat one for me. I can't eat gluten and I just haven't found a good mix or recipe. They're all so dry without the wheat. Be sure and put lots of syrup on it!

How's that essay coming? Hint! Hint!

I can see the problem with SI and a bathing suit! Not a great mix unless you like it on display. It is a good reason to stop. Swimming might help the anxiety and depression. Swimming does a great job of it for me. There's a Physical Therapy place down the road with an indoor pool. They let you use their pool for $3. You can even get an aerobics class for that same $3. They keep it super clean. The guy that does the testing for the state was there one day when I was. He said he never has to worry when going there. They are always cleaner than the standards. I guess part of that is because it's not really a public pool and there are no children using it.

50's and 60's music is oldies to me too. My husband is 10 years older than me and he'll say do you remember? or name that artist and I don't have a clue! I like to listen to them but, I'm not much on old country. I like modern country better.

Will you be seeing this new person instead of Christine or in addition too? I think it's great that you not only made another appt. but, are planning on going to someone new. That I know is tough for you. You're doing what you need to do to get better! I'm proud of you!

Love,

Jamie

Love,

Avatar for schitz
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Registered: 02-06-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 1:46am

Jamie...I think I'll go to Germany for that medical care!!!

As for gluten free pancakes I'll ask my friend if she knows a good recipe.

Essay still going nowhere. I was supposed to do it today at school before my MH group but there was stuff going on in the student centre that took my concentration away (even though I wasn't watching it, it was just a lot of distraction with the loud music and stuff.

I am going to freak now. :!

I am going to go swimming soon I think. My arms aren't that bad. MOst of my scars are faded to white and the most recent SI was so minor that it won't leave much of a mark for long. I also think the swimming helped with my acne, which really sucks right now.

I will be seeing the new person as well as Christine. Christine is the disability person and the other is for counselling. Ya great I have an appointment, but no accomplishment here, Christine made it.

Group was good today btw, but once again I couldn't shut up. I guess that's the pressured speech. There were a couple new people today. And one of them also in a hypomanic phase and dominating the conversation. I don't like him much although I don't dislike him too much either. He was just irritating me, but everything is it seems. We had a stress workshop today and that was good although I didn't learn too much new. One of the things that I wish I had thought about earlier was to tape the guided visualization. It was very good with beach sounds in the background, (and a beach visualization, don't know if that was obvious) and the girl reading it was very good, much better than the guy on the cd that Christine gave me.

Well I think that's it for now.

I'm so sorry to talk so much about me.

How are you?

Love,

Amanda

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