Haven't been around... (triggers)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Haven't been around... (triggers)
15
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 4:42pm

...lately, been lurking as usual, but things are going bad...

I'm cutting 3-4 times a day and I'm not eating. I hate myself. I really hate myself. My therapist is trying to stop the slide. I'm gonna see a new (and expensive) pdoc on the 16th.

I keep thinking about my weight and how no one will ever love me this way...and I dearly want to have another partner someday (I'm divorced and a single parent).

Things happened when I was young but I can't remember them...did they relly happen?

I'm just soooo confused and sliding into the blackness....

Rowan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 6:06pm

Rowan,


Glad to see you back--only wish the circumstances were better.


Hopefully the new pdoc will have some "magic" pill or combo that will pull you of this horrible downswing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 9:30pm

Rowan,

Please don't hurt yourself! Like Marci said come here instead! We'll listen.

I hope your new pdoc is a help to you. It doesn't sound like he could hurt right now. When's you appt?

Again like Marci said you HAVE to eat something sweetie. The biggest thing not eating does is make your symptoms worse. You stay on the merry go round by not eating. I know it's easier said. Believe me I know where you are right now. That black hole your falling into has my name on it too. There is hope! More than you can imagine right now. Please take care of you and type, type, type, TYPE!

Your in a safe place here and will be loved and cared for even if you can't do that for yourself right now.

Love,

Jamie

Love,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 10:03pm

Thanks Jamie. I'm holdin' on....just seems so hard right now....

Rowan

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 10:07pm

Thanks so much Marci. I'm jus soooo DOWN. And it happened so quickly....

Rowan

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 12:55am

Rowan,

((((hugs)))) Your post is something I could have written (although more likely when I was in highschool up to about 5 years ago - since then there has been a shift in the dominant symptoms...but I digress). I thought I was the only one that had stuff in their past that they couldn't remember and doubt they happened. I'm glad I'm not alone...and know you aren't either. As has been said, you do need to eat. Pick a "safe" food, and eat now please. I know how sudden the slide into despair can be, but you can get through it.

Keep coming here and post, post, post!

Love,

Amanda

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 8:49am

Rowan,


I've missed you and wondered how you were doing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 10:37am

Thanks Amanda and Keli. It helps to know someone cares...even if I feel like I don't deserve it....

I wrote this...

SUPER-GLUED

red beads
strung along the edges
of fractured, shattered
personality

mirror broken
super-glued
with pieces missing

keeping secret
yet laying open
internal fault lines

wishing I could scream
instead I let
the razor speak

the sting and ache
replacing tears
I cannot cry
words
I cannot speak

should've
could've
always in the back of my mind

near death
behind and before me
no hope in sight

the red is quiet
no longer laughing
no longer speaking
except through blade-speech

failure even at THIS

deserve to die
or at least to live in misery

though I long for
normalcy

and red beads are strung
shiny, warm-wet-cool

~2/3/2005

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 11:33am

I hate to see you in so much pain...but I understand it very well...hang on as tightly as you can, and please don't cut yourself, okay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 6:08pm

Rowan,

First, You're a wonderful writer. Talent like that DOES NOT deserve to die!!!!

Thank you for sharing your pain with us. I'm sorry your having to experience such deep pain. Please promise Keli you won't SI for now.

Take Keli up on the SI board. Don't get lost there tough. We still need you here.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Love to you,

Jamie

Love,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 9:26pm

Rowan,


Triggers.... (and some suggestions :-)


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