Hi...depression still hasn't lifted...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Hi...depression still hasn't lifted...
4
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 7:36pm

Hi, sorry I haven't been here supporting you all lately...I've read posts but just feel like no words will come out when I try to reply. My depression has continued...it seems like it's lasting longer than usual. I thought I was starting to improve (laughed with a friend once, got a little interested in a class I'm taking), but today I couldn't bring myself to leave my room all day or even to take a shower, much less take my friends up on an invitation to go out to a Mardi Gras parade.

I have started trying to catch up on the huge amount of studying I've put off...but that's about it...I've also been eating obsessively and not exercising (it's "that time of the month" and my whole body aches), so feeling gross about how I look. I've also been dealing with some digestive problems lately that have taken up almost all my time and energy...at many points, I was so exhausted that I was about ready to throw in the towel.

I will see my therapist on Monday, so I guess I should do some work on the "Feeling Good Handbook" she recommended...I've tried it before and didn't find it too useful, but maybe this time will be different. Oh, as for the depression panel here, I'd thought I would do it, but then couldn't think of anything I wanted to say or how to say it...so I haven't replied back. Apparently there aren't enough panelists yet, though, so I could still decide to take part if I could think of something to say. The thought of standing up in front of people and telling them "yes, I've been chronically depressed, and I'm still extremely depressed" with no huge success story doesn't appeal to me much, though.

Other than that, not too much is new...well, my mom has been stressed out at work, considering resigning, and recently fell down a flight of stairs (didn't break anything, though, thank goodness). She's nowhere near "elderly" and is probably in better shape than I am...but I guess all this has made me think about how it will be to face my parents' aging, especially when my mom is all that keeps me going most of the time.

I wish I were in a better place right now...then again, I know my life is very problem-free compared to many...I'm sorry some of you are struggling right now. I guess I'm just still dealing with that "life of quiet desperation" I've heard quoted before...everything just seems so futile and hopeless.

Thanks for listening and caring,

Rose

Edit: Ugh, I just got on the scale and found out I've gained several pounds in just a few days. Maybe it's just bloating (but my pants won't even button either)...but still, with my horrible self-image, this doesn't help things. Definitely unimportant in the scheme of things, I guess...but somehow it just makes me feel more desperate and hopeless. :(




Edited 2/5/2005 8:41 pm ET ET by rosa444
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 11:12pm

Hi Rose,

I'm sorry if you're tired of hearing from me. I'll understand!

You sound like you're in pretty bad shape! Have you been able to shower yet? It will make you feel better. I know easier said then done. Try.

Your weight could very well be water. Especially since you can't button your pants. The only way you'd gain weight that fast is if it's water. I know that doesn't keep you from feeling fat. I'm sure you're not!

I know your "digestive problem" can suck the life out of you! I've been there many times. It seems to contribute to my depression too. Between not knowing what to eat or what's going to cause problems. We don't get an outward sign like the people with the opposite problem. It's much easier for them to no what's working and what's not. It's frustrating and a little bit humiliating. It steels what dignity you have left after bp. I wish I could give you a mirical pill to cure that. I know it would lift some of that depression. {{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Have you done any work in the workbook? I hope it helps! I did one for alcohol recovery once but, I can't even remember if it helped. I can't remember anything about it. Wish I could be of more help. I'm glad your going to you tdoc on Monday. I hope she can help. Maybe if you don't think you're getting anything out of the workbook showing it to her would help. She might see a pattern or something you just can't see.

How's the studying going? That's got to be tough right now. I can't imagine!

I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you on the panel. It sounds like a great opportunity BUT, if you can't, you can't. You need to take care of you first! You're a wonderful, capable human being and you deserve to feel better.

I hope your Mom didn't get too battered up in her fall. Good thing she didn't break anything. I understand how it feels when you finally see your parents as aging. It can be a bolt from the blue. It's nice to hear how close you too are. Allot of parents refuse to understand mental illness. She must be a special lady.

Everything's not hopeless even if it feels that way right now. There is hope and things do get better. Maybe a trip to your pdoc is in order. Talk to your tdoc about EVERYTHING that's going on with you. I'd even tell her about your "digestive problem". It CAN effect your mental health. It's important for her to know.

As for you life being problem free...Think about that and make a list of your stressers right now. You have a right like the rest of us to come here when you need too. Actually we like it better that way. Your problems only seem insignificant because that's how your feeling about you right now. You aren't and they aren't. Your part of the family here and that's what we're here for. You'll be there for me when I need it too.

Love,

Jamie

Love,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 11:22am

Rose,


I'm sorry the black hole is sucking you in--I know it's hard but fight it all you can--even a small step like forcing yourself to take a shower can help, it's amazing the power a little bit of hot water can have (and if you have some lavender scented soap that helps, too).


Do try to do some stuff from the workbook--sometimes it takes a while before any good is apparent, it's the kind of thing that has a tendancy to slowly creep into our unconscious.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 1:42pm

Jamie, I can't imagine ever being tired of hearing from you...I was so grateful to see your post! Thanks so much. I did manage to shower last night, and this morning (well, afternoon already, I guess) I even did some light exercise. It did help somewhat, as you said.

I do hope this weight is water, but I'm thinking it's probably more a result of the obsessive junk-food eating that I thought would somehow not catch up with me! It's true that I'm not technically "fat" though...I guess this is my disordered thinking again...I'm actually still just a tiny bit underweight...but it definitely doesn't look like it to me!

Thanks also for your understanding and advice (on the other board) about my digestive problem...yes, it really does suck the life out of you, almost literally (when the treatment for it puts me in the bathroom for hours at a time!). I will mention it to my therapist, embarrassing as it can be.

I haven't yet done any work in the workbook, although I will get to some of it today, hopefully. As for studying, I did get a surprising amount done yesterday (I read through 5 lecture transcripts), but it made me realize how far behind I am...I'm not sure if I'll manage to get the same amount done today. Usually I can't concentrate at all when I'm depressed, but since I was staying in my room all day, I figured I would turn the radio on and read with many breaks, and it did help somewhat. I literally hadn't studied a bit before yesterday, though...so you can imagine how far behind I am!

I have thought more about the panel, and I'd still like to do it...I just sat down and typed something out, although it's not "good" or profound or anything...I may post it here.

You're right about my mom...she is a great and understanding person...I don't know where I'd be without her. I haven't mentioned my mood swings to her (and I try to hide them from her when we talk) because I think the idea of bipolar would scare her...but she does know about my depression and is so great about it. I'm trying to realize that my fears about her aging are probably unfounded...she is really only middle-aged, and anybody could slip like she did...but it still scares me some.

Thanks so much again...you all here are my lifeline when I don't feel like I can talk to anyone else. I haven't seen this therapist many times yet, but I think she wants to focus mainly on applying the cognitive-behavioral techniques and not too much on talking about what's going on (although I guess she will do some of that too)...which I think is what I wanted since my pdoc was focused totally on discussing the past...but maybe she will be able to help me see things in a clearer light.

I really appreciate your post...again, there's no way I would ever get tired of hearing from you! Hope you're doing well,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 1:59pm

Marci, thanks so much...your post really helped motivate me to get started doing at least one little thing, and then maybe I'll feel like doing more. I will try to get to some of the workbook today...I know my therapist already feels like I may not be committed to changing or to doing the work it will take...so that is definitely something I have to make a priority, even if I feel somewhat hopeless about the benefit it will have.

You're right about the weight gain...I'll try not to freak out like I have been...somehow that contributes to my depression even more, and then I eat more because I give up! And it's true that my mom is relatively young and healthy and just had a regular accident...I guess those are the kinds of cognitive-behavioral techniques I need to start using to see things more realistically!

And what you said about the panel got me thinking...I guess you're right that it's OK to say I'm still struggling with it...I guess my worry is that people (the administration, other students, etc) will say or think that I shouldn't be in med school if I'm having trouble functioning because of depression. After reading your post, I did come up with a few things I could say at the panel, though...I will post it in a minute if that's OK.

It's hard knowing how much I'd want to reveal...my problems with fibromyalgia had such a huge role in my depression over the past year or so that I felt like I had to include them, even though fibro has such a huge stigma too in the medical community. But I'm definitely going to leave out the hospitalizations, self-destructive thoughts and recent trip to the ER...those are definitely things I don't want the whole world knowing, even on the off chance it would help someone!

Thanks again, I really appreciate it...I will try to reply to posts here today, but often I just don't know what to say.

Hope you have a good day,
Rose