I hate to say this....buy why me?
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| Mon, 02-07-2005 - 11:54am |
+++++++++++ POSSIBLE TRIGGERS +++++++++++
I feel that everything that can go wrong has. It really has. I can't sleep at night, I toss and turn and get ticked off and throw things across my bedroom. It is getting worse nightly. I feel as if I've lost everything. I have no friends except you all. I am grateful for you all, please don't take that wrong.
I have no money, no energy, no want to be alive. My pdoc's office has had the friggin' phone off the hook for days. I'm taking my lunch today and going there and probably going to show my a** because I need meds and they aren't helping me. I phoned again and they are at lunch until 2:15 again today!!!! It is 11:30 in the morning. I know good and well they aren't at lunch that darn long.
My ex is calling again because he's frisky and he claims his new lady friend can't make him feel like I did. I just started crying, had he treated me like a lady I'd still be with him. Instead he chose to treat me like a punching bag. He's showing her the respect I deserved for 12 years. Now he's expecting me to sleep with him to make him feel better. I won't do it. I mean, ladies, he meant it all as a compliment, but it just made me feel like a whore. I guess being good for something is nice, but not that.
I can't stop crying, I can't stop shaking. I have no personal or sick leave left because of the flu I had a couple weeks ago. I'm truly losing my mind and can't get anywhere because I'm stuck in the mud.
I wish I could convey all my feelings to you all, but I just can't because I don't understand them myself.
I've not felt this selfish about being bp for a long time. I am feeling nothing but self pity. I thought I was stronger than that, but I'm not.
Oh well..........I'm sorry.
Carla

Sweetie, I am so sorry that you're going through this. About your ex, he's not worth getting that upset over. Believe me, I know that's easier said than done, and you can't switch off your feelings like a faucet. Two things to consider though...if he's coming back to you for (he hopes) sex, then it appears he is not showing his new ladyfriend any more respect than he showed you. He may not be beating her now, but the relationship is still young, and clearly he does not respect her if he is hoping to make a booty call with you. I understand (as well as I can) how hurtful all of this is to you, but honey, don't delude yourself by thinking that he's treating her all that well if he can't even manage to keep his pisher in his pants.
Then, if you did become involved with him again, things would pick up just where they left off. He might (read MIGHT) be able to treat you well for a VERY short period of time, but it wouldn't last. You definitely DO and DID deserve proper respect from him, but he was not willing to give you that. That won't change. He is the one who comes up lacking there, not you. You didn't do anything to cause him to treat you the way he did, he made that poor choice himself. Now that you have broken free of that poisonous relationship you need to try to stay strong, because you DO deserve to be treated well. You might have to begin by learning to treat yourself well first.
PLEASE keep calling your doc's office. If they still have their phones on the service, wait for the instructions to follow in case of an emergency, follow them and have him paged. There's no reason for you to go any longer without meds, and it's inexcusable that his office failed to respond to you last week when you first needed their help. You should tell your doc about that when you talk to him. People can decompensate pretty quickly, and there's no reason you should be feeling so lousy.
Keep us posted on how you're doing, ok?
HUGS,
Kristen
Carla,
First, You have nothing to be sorry for! This is what you're going through right now so Thank You for sharing it with us!
Second, Ditto to what Kristen said!!!! Don't let the jerk rent space in you head! If he was so all fired respectful to his gf he'd keep his pants zip. As for him thinking that this all is a compliment, just shows how he's still disrespecting you! Don't let him. That's what the hang up button is for.
Get your Pdoc off his tired A*S. Call his emergency contact number! You've waited past long enough. There's NO excuse for this. None! They are dealing with people with mental health issues and need to darn well act like it. They aren't dealing with people with minor problems here. I say you do go over there. There's no excuse! Tell them that for me.
Honey, You never have too convey all your feelings here...we know! We ARE your friends.
LoL! Rereading this it sounds like I'm venting! ;o) Sorry this just ticks my off. (not manic ticked just ticked) These are two things you should never need to hurt over. {{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}
Love,
Jamie
Love,
Hi Hun!
((((((Carla))))) I agree with what has been said. You don't deserve to feel like this...and you do deserve to live and I understand not wanting to but it's not not wanting to live at all but not wanting to live as things are, so get them to change. Tell your ex where to go and how to get there. That goes for your pdoc too (although I'd hope that it's slightly different for the doc) ;)
We love you and care about you very much here. You are among friends. Don't ever forget that. You deserve to vent, cry whatever and need no explanation to do so. On that note I better listen to my own advice and post myself instead of locking it up as I was about to do. :)
Love, hugs,
Amanda
Thank you to everyone!!!!!!! I still feel like a piece of dirt but at least I did finally get a call from the pdoc's office and he is going to call me tonight to discuss my meds. I have no time to be able to leave for an appt, so he'll have to check my chart and talk....for a while.
Thanks again yall.
Love and Hugs!!!!!
Carla
Carla I wish I could give you the time away from work and daily crap so you could deal with this, or better yet just get rid of this horrible feeling for you.
While reading your post I just hurt for you and wished I could hug you and make everything better. I know I cant' but please know I'm praying for you. That might sound tright but considering the options to me since this is through the web please know it's sincere.
I hope very strongly you find the strength needed to get through this. I know that feeling of pre-breakdown. It's scary and it's aggervating as all h*ll, I'm so sorry you're hurting.
{{{{HUGS TO YOU}}}}. I'm praying for you and thinking of you!!
Just hold on, this could pass. And by all means don't give your ex any control, you are worth a whole lot more. You mean more to this group and to the world than your ex is offering!!
Thank you Brandi. I thought pdoc was going to call last night. I finally got sleepy and fought it because I wanted to be clear headed when he phoned. Well...he NEVER called! When I finally did go lay down I was wide awake. No sleep sucks. I mean for days I've been getting an hour here and there, nothing over 2 hours at a time. I really am losing it, and my concentration is gone. I feel sick because of it. I've got yet another message into pdocs office.....he'll probably stop seeing me since I've been bothering them, but at this point I do not care.
Well.......yet another day at working chained to my desk and scared to leave for a second....I can't miss his call. He needs to help me. It makes me feel that he has no clue as to how bad off I actually am. Oh well, just like any other man that has been in my life, it just isn't fair.
I hate self pity and I'm overwhelmed with it. GRRRRRRRR......not liking myself at all.
Carla,
For now just know that WE like you!
I can't believe the bas**rd didn't call you! What an A**! Sounds like it's time to find someone new. You DESERVE better care than this! You're right! He NEEDS to help you. You're not asking for anything weird. Just a med refill. Good Heavens!
I'm sorry you're loosing so much sleep over this. I just don't get your pdoc! Divorce him!
Honey, this isn't self pity!!!! This is being concerned about your doc not responding appropriately to your very serious illness. What if you were a diabetic and need insulin? You have every right and you should be thinking about yourself right now. You take care of you!
Love,
Jamie
Love,