visions/dreams and voices ???
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| Tue, 02-08-2005 - 10:43pm |
Lately the voices are back...which is expected as they usually only show up when i'm manic and really getting messed.
My question is are visions psychotic features? I know hallucination is but it's not like I see things in the real world around me as well as what's really there but I am taken away to a totally different place (although very much a reflection of reality) and see what will happen (and now I'm freaking because of today's).
The other day I had SI vision and things happened exactly as they did in my vision (i know the objections to that btw), I had one about an argument with a friend and that happened. Today I had one that I will get into a huge argument with my coworker (although I don't work with her right now...after her) and even in front of my boss and customers and had a major freakout and rage..i never want to bring up these things with my doc b/c I think he will think I'm psycho. I remember last time I was at the clinic the doc gave me some questionnaire (I think it was the borderline inventory) and it asked if i felt I had special powers or something and I'm thinking ya I'm a witch, and there was stuff that seemed like "normal" psychic stuff...mind reading etc.
When my doc was filling the form for school he asked about psychotic features. i didn't answer
well that's enough from me
amanda


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Jamie,
You know I love you too. I knew there was something from the very beginning (I am writing this with so much love in my heart)...sounds like much of my life. I love you but...
I can tell that you have read something serious and maybe even scary. I can hear it in your "voice".
Is it that you think I really am schizzo like my name suggests?
Why are you being evasive about what you found?
I hope I don't sound too defensive or angry. I'm not really.
triggers.
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Oh yeah I thought I would expand on the last vision coming true. I don't know if you all remembering the last one I had (or if i even told you, things are quite screwed up right now). But in it I had a major blow up with my coworker that went on and on and I couldn't even control it in front of customers. Well it came true last night. I went into a major rage and I couldn't control myself. I really wanted to hurt her, but of course when I feel that way it turns into I really want to hurt me. I am so embarassed after the fact that I couldn't control it but every time I tried to talk with her she was instigating just as much and seemed to think that I was just being a bitch and should just be able to calm down and talk about it and not "overreact". She doesn't get that I don't want to be like this and didn't choose to be like this, that i cannot see what is going to set me off beforehand to be able to talk about it.
I was going to go to the hospital last night. I knew I was safe at work (somewhat..there are knives but I really don't know if I'd use them). I had given Christine my knife at yesterday's appointment and didn't have any more than one day's worth of pills on me. I knew once I got home there would be more pills and blades.
I felt silly about thinking about going to the hospital. Ummm, ya hi. I'm here because I want to die. Same thing with the suicide lines. I don't know why I just can't bring myself to call them. Although there are other reasons like mom is sleeping in the next room and I don't want to wake her up and I don't want her to know that I feel this way. I also didn't want to go to the hospital because I have rehearsal today and the wedding on monday as well as work today and saturday. I know that sounds silly but I cannot put my life on hold. I cannot let my boss down and not go to work. I have never not shown up for work or called in sick...only took off days that i had taken off ahead of time. I also cannot ruin my dad's wedding. I also don't want him to know what is going on because he doesn't get it. He thinks that as soon as he found out about the SI I stopped and that my one round of counselling and ADs 5 years ago was enough and I don't need those anymore.
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