Not doing depression panel (poss trig)
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| Wed, 02-09-2005 - 1:23am |
I apologize for not answering more posts around here...I've been busy and also feeling overwhelmed. Thanks so much for the replies to my depression panel "speech"...unfortunately (I guess), I never definitely agreed to do the panel, and I think I've decided not to...I think I'm just too much of a private person, and I feel like there are so many things that other people won't understand.
Tonight made me particularly frustrated and even mad...I was helping a friend in another med school class study for his upcoming psychiatry test. I read through the lecture that was given on "somatization disorder" and found that pretty much all the symptoms or problems I have are considered major "red flags" for this disorder...basically, that it's all "in my head" and I'm just "hysterical."
Among them, IBS, fibromyalgia, even some migraines...I'm not sure if I'm more saddened that this is being taught in this day and age (by a prof who has a mood disorder herself that she's open about!), or more frustrated for myself for being perfectly healthy but coming up with these non-medical disorders.
Especially because I'd gone to the doctor today for my stomach problems (IBS) and had him dismiss my symptoms without even doing a test or even listening to me decently. I now feel like he's read my list of medications and my diagnosis of fibromyalgia (should have just kept that to myself!) and then wrote me off as a "head case."
The worst thing I read in my friend's lecture notes was that if you're a doctor, you should be suspicious of a true medical cause for these problems *if the patient is MALE!* But not in females! And the prof is a woman...how can this be taught in a prestigious med school if it is as false as I think it is? Or maybe it is really true and I just don't want to see it?
Sorry, totally unrelated rant...it just really bothers me to think that all the doctors I've seen have this secret perception of me as a joke to be brushed aside instead of someone to take seriously. It even makes me feel somewhat self-destructive...if I can't change how I am, wouldn't it be better if I just went away?!
Oh, somehow this did relate to my not wanting to present at the depression panel...oh yes, because if I talk about having fibromyalgia along with the depression and other things, my classmates will have a permanent impression of me as this kind of joke. It seems so cruel...at least my physical pain is only minimal and not an issue now...but to be in such severe pain as I was before and to be told you're basically making it up? Ugh.
Sorry again...it's past my bedtime, and I have my own test to study for...I wish I hadn't helped this friend out...although of course I didn't mind helping him per se...I just am mad and it's late so I'll probably be tired tomorrow...
Hope you all are doing OK...I will try to read posts, but I feel so overwhelmed looking at all the new posts that I don't know where to start.
Thanks,
Rose

(((((((((Rose)))))))))))
It's okay that you didn't want to do the depression panel. Your speech was very good though. I applaud you for considering it. I wouldn't even have done that much.
As for the somatization disorder, don't worry about it. I'm sorry to say that part of your perception is probably the paranoia that comes with this. I have felt the exact same way. I still do. I go to my docs thinking he is giving me the mood stabilizer just to humour me. I have to remind myself that my doc is a good doctor and good doctors don't just prescribe meds for patients who think they have something.
As for it being taught in med school I think it still is an important thing to learn and much of what is taught may be true in many cases. You must remember that not all are the same but people in academic settings tend to try and make generalizations about everything. That does not mean that every person with fibro or depression is psychosomatic or a hypochondriac ;)
I have thought to myself before that I must be a hypochondriac with all the diagnoses I have and the problems that I don't even bring up for that reason. Then I thought to myself wouldn't thinking you are a hypochondriac make you a hypochondriac? (think about it and once you get my thinking you will not be able to wrap your head around it).
Hang in there and take care of yourself.
Hugs,
Amanda
Thanks so much, Amanda...after reading your recent post, I was amazed by how caring you must be to post to me when you yourself are struggling so much...so thank you. I took a little Ambien a while ago (I've been breaking them into thirds so they'll last longer since I'm in between doctors, but now I'm down to my last third!), so hopefully I'll calm down and be able to go to bed...it will be a LONG, sleepy day tomorrow, though!
Thanks for all you said in your post...I hadn't thought about the possibility of some paranoia playing a role. I've felt exactly the same way about pdocs giving me meds...like they are humoring me, or even giving me meds with bad side effects to "teach me a lesson" about not asking for help when you don't need it! That was a while back...I haven't gone that far in my thinking lately, though...it does seem pretty illogical now!
You're also right about the generalizations...I guess one thing that did bother me especially was that it said that up to 50% of people with irritable bowel syndrome have somatization disorder. Then again, in my own class, we recently had a lecture about digestive system function in which the prof showed slides and talked about the abnormalities of function in IBS...so I guess there's no real consensus? Or the psychiatric community hasn't yet caught up with the research going on?
Your comment about being a hypochondriac because you're worried you might be a hypochondriac made me smile...that circle of thought describes me all too well!
A big part of me still wants to do the depression panel, and I know I admire the people who have the strength to get up there to talk...and I'll feel like I'm weak or ashamed if I don't...but I guess I'm realizing I just don't have that kind of strength to hold my head high even when I feel like so many people will look down on me. But then again, I have heard that students who attend the discussion come because they're interested in, and sympathetic to, depression...so maybe it would be OK...well, I guess depression has reduced my decision-making skills too, because this is one decision I can't seem to make!
Thanks again so much...I really hope things will get better for you...hang in there,
Rose
P.S. Also with the depression panel, I wasn't sure if I should mention the mood swings or possible bipolar...I haven't even told my mom that, so it is definitely something personal. But then if people see me suddenly extremely happy and/or giddy after giving a talk on depression, I think they'd be confused...oh, what I wouldn't give to be giddy and happy again sometime soon! :(