Maybe on the up swing...with a question

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Maybe on the up swing...with a question
7
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 9:20am

Hi, you all...I hope it's a better day for all of you who are struggling. I've been doing relatively OK in comparison (well, still extremely depressed recently), so I apologize in advance if this question is pretty minor.

What I'm wondering is, is it possible to "trigger" an episode of hypomania like depression can sometimes be triggered? I've noticed a pattern that when I have exams coming up in school and have to change my schedule and put a lot of energy into studying, I've sometimes gotten a "burst" of energy that continues after the exams are over.

I'm definitely not complaining about this since I need the energy, plus I've been hoping desperately for something to bring me out of my deep inertia of depression. Up until a few days ago, I could sleep 10 hours a day and still be tired, and I've gained several pounds from eating and not moving...plus my room went from extremely messy to downright unsanitary.

But yesterday all of a sudden I got so fed up with my room that I spent a few hours cleaning it. And then I realized how much weight I've gained and did an hour of running on the treadmill (all while listening to music and studying for this exam, lol!). I guess both of those things were brought on by my anger at myself...but still, it's more energy than I've had in months.

And last night I couldn't get to sleep (had to take my last Ambien...I don't have a refill or a chance to get one, so I'm nervous about what I'll do from now on!)...but finally did, only to wake up 5 hours later raring to go. I've been missing most of my early morning classes because of sleeping in...but already before class this morning, I've read several articles for class and even put a load of laundry in.

I hate to admit it, but I kind of hope it continues. I know my mood is often bad when I get a lot of energy, though. But it's odd...during every depression of mine, I can't imagine that I ever felt even decent...and when I feel "up," I can't imagine ever being depressed! I think right now I'm still in that zone where I'm not sure at all how I feel yet.

Times like these make me hesitant to go back on a mood stabilizer, though. I don't have an appointment with my pdoc until mid-March (although my counselor says she'll call to see if I can get in earlier because I've been so depressed)...so I'm not sure what she'll say...guess I'll just have to wait and see how this plays out.

Wow, I'm a typing machine today...sorry for the length of this post, especially when it's nothing serious. I guess I really did just have that one question...just took many paragraphs to ask it!

Hope you all have a good day,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 2:49pm

Rose,

Yes!

How's that for an answer events can trigger ups and downs. You've just identified one of yours.

I know you feel good now but, you still need to go and get the mood stabilizer so you don't end up with the down down that will come afterwards if you're not stable. No body likes to go when there up! That's why so many of us end up with a unipolar dx of depression before we're properly dx'd.

Don't say your sorry for the long post. It's what it took to get out what you needed to say and that's always okay here.

Love,

Jamie

Love,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 4:28pm

I agree with the post. It totally sucks to know any moment something may trigger you back to being depressed or more so. I love being manic, I think we all do. What I hate is the anxiety I get with it, the panic attacks. I have to be very careful, anything can trigger me. I can't watch the movie "Day after Tomorrow" (as an example) because of the bad things that happen to the people. I think that is why I LOVE comedies, sad or gross movies trigger depression in me.

You aren't alone. I do think you need a mood stabilizer. I would hate for you to backslide further than where you were.

(((((HUGS)))))
Carla

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 6:44pm

--possible triggers lower down in this post...not sure, though--

Jamie, thank you...in my mind, I know you're right that I probably still need a mood stabilizer...it's just hard getting the emotional part of me to realize that, if that makes sense!

Carla, thanks to you too...I can so relate to what you wrote about having to be careful about triggers. I even have a CD that I know I shouldn't listen to unless I'm feeling really safe...although I love the music, it just feeds into my depression (but it's so tempting to listen to it when I'm depressed!).

I also tend to get anxious when I'm "up"...but I guess that's one thing that made my former pdoc question my diagnosis...she tended to focus on the possibility that my "up" state was just depression plus anxiety (especially when I had a ton of energy, but all directed in anger at myself)...she did allow for the possibility of bipolar, though.

And your mention of the triggers for a down swing are very appropriate for me now...since I guess my happier mood was squashed, first by a therapy appointment this morning, and later by hearing some not-so-great news. My therapist questioned my thought of myself as a "total failure" as a person by pointing out that there are so many people out there in truly bad situations, that they would look at my life and say that it was anything but a failure.

That's very true, I know...but then I quickly turned that around on myself to mean that I'm a horrible, self-centered, spoiled person who has no right to feel as bad as I do (plus the fact that the therapist talked about depression as a self-focused problem didn't help, although I'm sure my interpretation was off). I told her I was thinking that way, and she did try to correct me by telling me it would only keep me in depression to turn what she said back on myself...that I just needed to try to see things in a more realistic light.

For some reason, the whole appointment made me feel worse, completely hopeless about myself, like life will always be an uphill struggle for me (especially interactions with people since I'm really anxious socially). I used up her entire tissue box and then ran into classmates with my face all red and swollen. But hopefully this will somehow lead to an improvement eventually.

And later on, no horrible news or anything...just talked with a friend who has a chronic illness and was hit by a severe flu on top of it. It just makes me so sad to hear about things like that, even if they're not fatal or anything...I just don't know what to "do" with them in my mind, if that makes sense, if I can't take their pain away.

And I know this makes me a horrible person, but I sometimes wish my emotional pain were actually a physical disease instead...I feel like it would be so much more acceptable and understood, and that would make it easier to deal with. It's just so difficult when I feel awful as a result of my own thinking, but I don't even know why or how to deal with that pain.

Thanks again...guess I'd better try to do some last-minute studying...I'm completely unmotivated now, though! Hope you all have a good evening,

Rose

Edit: Yikes, now I am down but have a lot of energy (although I'm somehow a bit sleepy too from my 5 hours last night)...this isn't making for very productive studying...I just feel like I can't handle this pain (emotional pain...not sure where it's coming from).




Edited 2/14/2005 7:55 pm ET ET by rosa444
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 8:37pm

Rose,


I get similar "triggers" at work when projects are due and deadlines approach.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 3:51pm

Rose,


That makes perfect sense!


I'm sorry about the tdoc appointment.

Love,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 8:49pm

Thank you, Morgaine...your post gave me a lot to think about. I know you're right that I need to accept my limitations...I guess part of this may be the fact that I grew up an identical twin and always wanted more than anything to be "different" and unique. This is not the way to be unique, though, I realize! Maybe my old pdoc was on to something in analyzing my relationship with my sister...well, it still wasn't helping me day-to-day.

I will look for some of the herbal supplements you mentioned...I'm in between pdocs now, so there's no one who could refill my Ambien (I don't think my general doctor would). Last night I ended up getting creative and taking a Dramamine to knock me out...it did work, though.

I think I need to re-read your post several times until I begin to convince myself that these highs and lows aren't worth it. I guess I'm still not completely sure that my highs and lows are more than what "normal" people experience...well, I guess the lows are...but when I'm depressed, I can barely remember feeling ecstatic a few months or so before!

Nighttime is always the worst for me...I'm feeling awful again...I got invited to go out tonight, and I guess I should accept, but I don't want to. I know I'm lucky to have a pdoc appointment scheduled in March, but it feels like a long time to wait before having a chance to feel better again (although I guess I can try to do some things on my own to help, too).

Thanks again for your post,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 8:55pm

Thanks so much, Jamie...I am going to try to work on "evicting" those thoughts (that's a good analogy!)...so far, the only way I can even deal with them is by just trying to ignore them altogether. The moment I get on that train of thought, it seems to go downhill even more.

It's good to know I'm not alone in wishing this were a physical problem...wow, you do have a lot on your plate with both the BP and other medical problems. I feel ashamed to admit that, though, because I see people very often (through school) who have major medical problems and would probably give their left arm to be in my position...so that puts me back into my guilt.

Thank you for saying it's not hopeless...I'm trying my hardest to believe that right now...you're right that it feels that way, though, regardless of reality! At night I just feel so desperate and alone, even if I'm around people...although I guess I still act relatively normally...but it's odd, having a pretty upbeat conversation with my parents and still feeling like I may end up in the hospital at some point...I would so hate to do that to my parents, and of course I hope it doesn't come to that.

Thanks again,

Rose