haveing trouble today...again

Avatar for wrgrossman
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
haveing trouble today...again
4
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 8:29am

it is going to be a bad day again. i can tell. i don't want to go to work as usual. i am really old fasioned, i believe my place is at home with my kids. i have alot of trouble dealing with the fact that i have to work. i know i have to, but that dosen't really help. i feel guilty for being away from the kids, for not keeping a better house, i feel like a failier because i can't do everything. i know alot of women who have families, work full time, keep a clean, organized home. i just can't do it. i don't know what the hell is wrong with me. i have to force myself to go to work. i am always late, because i put off geting ready till the last minaute. i feel it is my calling to be a wife and mother full time. everyday that i go to work, i am fighting against my own principles. it goes against every instinct i have to leave my kids off and go to work. i always said that if i had wanted the baby sitter to raise my kids i wouldn't have had them. i know this isn't a terribly popular view. i know some women need to work to feel whole, and that is fine for them. i am not like that. i need to be home to feel whole. i know alot of people who like their jobs. even love them. i have had jobs that i didn't hate, but that seems to be the best i can do. when i was in 7th grade, and the councelor asked me what i wanted to be,{ so we could set up my classes to corespond to what i wanted for a career, }i told her i wanted to be a mom. she pointed out that that wasn't a valid answer, she meant what did i want to do with my life. i told her that that is what i wanted to do with it. she told me that wasn't a career, to which i responded, then what is it my mom has been doing for the last 25 years. i beleive that raising your children, the future of humanity, is the single most important job in the world, and it is not one i am willing to leave to someone else. my husband says he understands that i feel that way, he evn likes that if given the choice i would stay home. he also says he dosen't understand why i can't accept that i don't have a choice. he says i am hurting the whole family, includeing the kids, because i can't accept the fact that i have to work. this is probably true, and it only makes me more upset with myself. why can't i accept that this is the way things are? why can't i get over it? why can't i be happy in knowing i am doing the best i can. again what the hell is wrong with me? other people can do this. they can do all theese things. why can't i? i'm tierd. i'm sad, and i am going to go hold my son on my lap and read him a story now, before i have to go to work.

Becky

 


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Avatar for wrgrossman
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 8:33am

p.s.

god grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difforence...

 


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Registered: 12-20-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 4:06pm

Becky,


You neglected to mention you're trying to do all this with a major illness.

Love,

Avatar for wrgrossman
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 8:28pm
thank you so much jamie. it helped alot. god bless

 


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Registered: 09-01-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 10:44am

Becky,


I agree wholeheartedly with Jamie--give yourslef a break and acknowledge all that you do!


I can empathize with your feelings about leaving your kids while you go to to work--I never had particularly strong feelings about needing to be a stay-at-home mom, but there were some days the pull was SO strong and I felt like a total failure walking out the day care door without my DD.


That said, your children can thrive in a day care situation--kids who've been in day care have a much easier transition into REAL school--they've already worked all those socialization issues through in day care.