Struggling...how to face weekend? trigs
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| Fri, 02-18-2005 - 11:20am |
I told myself I wouldn't post anymore about silly things, but I guess that didn't last long...I'm just not sure if there is anything I can do that would help me through these next few weeks until I can get in to see a pdoc. I've just been so desperately sad lately, especially at night, that I've felt like I may be slipping back into a very bad place again.
I don't mean to trigger anyone, and I hope I won't...I just don't know where else to ask about this. Recently I've been getting the same feelings that I had when I took a minor overdose of meds a while back and had to go to the ER. I want to be able to say I definitely won't do that again (and it was silly anyway, not anywhere near enough to be fatal), but I'm not sure that I can...already, I've been toying around with very minor ways to cause myself pain (stupid, I know...didn't do anything serious). But I also don't think I need to go into the hospital or anything.
Since I'm in between pdocs, there's not really anyone I can call...I see the counselor at school once a week, but this isn't the kind of thing she deals with...she's mainly walking me through "The Feeling Good Handbook" for cognitive therapy, which hopefully will help some...but so far it hasn't done much for these desperate, painful feelings.
Weekends are usually the worst for me since I don't have the distractions of class to keep me away from these thoughts. I did sign up to take part in an elective class, visiting at a nursing home and taking a medical history, once a week on Friday afternoons, even though I REALLY don't want to...but I know I wouldn't be doing anything else at that time except sleeping or surfing the web.
I don't know if I should go today, though, since I think I may have caught the beginnings of the flu from a friend...well, she says she's not contagious anymore, but she's been coughing a lot, and now I'm coughing and tired...doesn't sound good! But I guess I will still try to go today...not looking forward to the weekend at all now since I may spend it sick! It was my fault, though...my immune system seemed fine until these past two days when I restricted myself to eating only a tiny bit in an effort to lose weight...I think that made me susceptible...I'm back to eating more now, though.
Oops, I'm veering off on a tangent again as usual...just wanted to thank you all for being there and caring...I'd better head off to class. If anyone knows of anything I could do to make it through this, it would be great to hear it...I guess I did use to know some techniques but have since forgotten them.
Thanks so much,
Rose

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Hi Rose,
I am going through or at least have been for the last couple weeks, the last week particularly. Here's what I know (which isn't much right now)
One: You need a plan. NOW, not when you are in a major crisis. I want you to look up the suicide crisis line numbers in your area. Two make a list of people in your life and what they mean to you. I saw a great thing on one of my boards about if you are suicidal get out your address book and just start calling and don't stop until you hear what you need to hear. One thing that helps me is picturing my mom's response if she knew I was suicidal (or anyone in my life for that matter).
Two: Remove all objects of harm. If this means you need someone to take care of your meds for the time being then that's what you need to do. I know that seems like a lot of work and a PITA but I was so lucky that I only had one day's worth of meds on me Thursday.
Three: Make a list of alternatives to self harm. Walk, take a bath, draw, sing (at the top of your lungs with the stereo full blast is good for me).
Four: Make an agreement with me and for yourself that you will not harm yourself for TODAY. We will worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes. Have you seen the poem I posted "Yesterday Today and Tomorrow"? I'll bump it up.
I'm sure there are more things I really wanted to say, but this has been a lot of work for me already.
Oh and you are NOT stupid nor are the things you post about. You have every right to feel the way you feel and to post about it.
Stay safe.
Love,
Amanda
Rose:
Amanda had some wonderful advice for you, and I don't have any improvements on them. However, I just wanted to add my 2 cents worth - I KNOW what a difficult choice it is to go to the hospital. HOWEVER, in my oh so humble (or not) opinion, it might be a choice to think about if you continue to deteriorate especially since you do not currently have a pdoc. No one would think you are just being silly. As for your post being about something "silly" it absolutely is not. You are a great person and if it is something weighing on your mind, it is far from silly.
PLEASE stay safe and take care!
Tracey
Rose,
I have to agree that Amanda covered it all.
Love,
Amanda, I'm always so amazed at how you manage to be so helpful and thoughtful in replying to posts even when you're struggling...are you hanging in there OK?
I really needed to hear those ideas you mentioned...thanks for posting them. Like you, thinking of my mom is the main thing that's kept me from harm for years. I will look up the number of a suicide hotline, although I've always been hesitant to call them (I have called a few times before, but find it very difficult to explain why I'm feeling this way since I'm not even sure myself...especially to a stranger).
I think your idea of calling until you hear what you need to hear is good...it's just that no one I know really has any idea of how severe my depression is. I did tell my closest friend about my overdose, but he didn't seem to understand at all (although he has depression himself) and seemed incredibly uncomfortable talking about it. Other than that, I did bring myself to mention to another friend that I've been depressed, but nothing more than that.
So I'm not sure there is a person I could give my meds to for safekeeping since I'd have to explain the situation (plus, with all my past minor medical problems, I have literally a drawer full of meds, mostly over-the-counter). I'm relatively sure, for now at least, that I wouldn't do anything potentially fatal...I guess I mostly just want the pain to stop, want to escape somehow. So I think I'll be OK having my meds here...
I will work on making that list of alternatives...of course I generally don't feel like doing much, but I will try my best. I can think of one hobby I could work on to take my mind off things...maybe I'll come up with more. There's always schoolwork to do, but when I'm feeling really agitated, it's too hard to concentrate.
And yes, I will agree not to harm myself tonight. I just feel like I sometimes don't have many alternatives that actually do ease the pain. I never drink, but I'm tempted to start (although I'm too embarrassed of drinking by myself to even buy alcohol at the store!)...but I think that could potentially become a bad habit or more. So I should be OK for tonight...I really just want to be in a haze, unaware of the pain...and I've already done my share of stress eating tonight, so that's out...I'll find something, though.
Thanks so much for your post...you have no idea how much it helped. I'm so sorry to hear that you were feeling this way just recently...and that it was a lot of work for you to write that post, as I'm sure it must have been. I want to apologize for that, but I know others on the board have told me not to say I'm sorry...but thank you.
Rose
Thank you, Tracey...I agree that maybe I should consider the hospital if things get too much worse. It would be such a difficult thing to do, though, as you said...people at school would find out, my parents would be stressed out beyond belief (that's actually the main thing that's kept me from going before), and I'd miss a lot of class...plus all the other unnamed reasons and complications...but I admit that it could be better than the alternative sometimes. I just wish I could get in to see a pdoc sooner...guess I shouldn't have stopped going to my last one...I don't want to end up in the hospital when I would have been OK just seeing a pdoc as an outpatient.
Thanks so much again,
Rose
Thank you, Jamie...I will keep myself safe at least for tonight...I had a long day, so hopefully I'll just have a quiet night and get to bed early. Thanks so much for your post and making me feel like I'm welcome here with my long and sometimes frequent posts!
Hope you're doing well,
Rose
Hi again Rose,
Everyone seems to think I did a good job of my last post but I really don't think it's as great as people think. I should have added thinking about your triggers and avoiding them, and practicing relaxation techniques and meditation to keep from getting stressed and panicky in the first place.
I also didn't mean to leave out the option of going to the hospital if you cannot keep yourself safe. That is on my plan and I guess I took it for granted.
Thank you for saying my post is helpful and thoughtful. I wish I could always be there for everyone like this, but as it is I don't think I've read the rest of the posts that I have missed today and recently.
Yes I'm struggling but I guess I got a surge of energy to write your post :) like adrenaline for the home stretch of a race or something. And I am doing ok today thanks. I'm starting to function again :)
As for the suicide hotline, and the hospital I know what you mean about feeling silly, that is exactly why I didn't go/call myself. But I'm trying to get over that and I hope you can too. I know you have trouble explaining it but they should be able to get that you are struggling and not hold it against you. And who better to tell than a stranger...you never have to meet or talk to this person again. Also if you would rather not call a suicide line because you don't feel like you can justify those feelings (which I don't think you should have to) how about a distress centre. There are other crisis lines that don't have to be necessarily suicide. I know there is a women's distress centre number in my city.
As for calling until you hear what you need to hear I understand that too. Usually I start dialing and end up just talking about whatever because I can't bring myself to tell these people what's going on, but even if you just start calling people and saying I need to talk, what's new, that will keep you safe right?
So what is your hobby? I think drawing is an excellent one myself, even though I am no artist but it is good to give your anger (or whatever feeling) a creative voice. Another is something to work it out, aerobics, a run, kickboxing (my fav).
Don't even start with the alcohol. The first red flag is drinking alone. When I was drinking alone every day that is when I went to AA. You don't want to get into that problem which is a high possibility for bipolars (or other MI). I know you want to find release from the pain, again I suggest exercise and some creative outlet. I know you want to get lost in haze. How about meditation? That can definately take you to a different plane of existence.
I'm glad I could help. It brings a tear to my eye to "hear" you "say" that. I guess it is good for me to feel needed too :) Yes it was a lot of work to write but I wouldn't have it any other way. You let me worry about that. If I didn't think I could do it I wouldn't have. So yes, don't apologize, and you're welcome :)
Love and hugs,
Amanda
Rose...
Can I post a link to my message (8653.2) in this thread on the Suicidal Thoughts, and Self injury board? I just want to make sure it's okay with you because people would be free to look at the rest of the thread, and it is about you.
If not I will rewrite it in a general form to post there.
Thanks
Amanda
Thanks again very much, Amanda...I agree with the others that your post was very helpful and comforting...I definitely understand about not having the energy to reply to all the posts you'd like to...I feel that way often but then feel guilty about it, which just makes things harder! I'm very glad to hear you're doing OK today.
I will try meditation...I used to take a yoga class, and that really helped, even in some hard times, but it's not being taught this semester...I think I may order a yoga tape online, though. You're right that feeling stressed and panicky gets me into trouble...I wonder if it's anxiety that I'm struggling with, or just intense depression? I guess it doesn't really matter...I didn't think I was anxious, though, but now it seems like it's definitely possible.
Thanks also for the advice on calling a hotline, or just calling a friend to talk...I will try to do that if I start feeling much worse, although it is hard when I haven't mentioned my problems to most of my friends. But I know isolating myself, as I tend to do, probably is not the way to go.
Oh, my hobby is photography...I haven't done it in a while and don't feel too inspired right now to take any photos...but I could spend some time scanning in my most recent photos to an online album. I agree that creative activities are a good way to get out energy...I wish I could draw or paint...when I try, I just end up getting frustrated with myself because it's not "good enough"!
I have been exercising, and it does seem to help some, at least while I'm doing it...but right afterwards I seem to feel a slump...maybe it's just the endorphins wearing off. It's been really hard to get myself motivated to do anything, but I've been trying.
Oh, also, I know the alcohol is a really bad idea...I don't drink at all (I tell people it's because I hate the taste of alcohol, which is actually true too!), but a big reason is that I know myself too well...I know it would be all too easy for me to fall into the habit and use alcohol for stress relief. Odd, that I could know that without ever having been drunk...is that possible?! It's still tempting, though.
So once again, thank you very much...you definitely are needed and appreciated, don't forget that! Hope you're doing all right,
Rose
Definitely, Amanda...feel free to post a link to this message. I've actually posted on the suicidal thoughts board in the past (and maybe should check out the other one at some point if things get worse)...I wouldn't mind at all. It would be great if someone else could be helped by your post.
Thanks,
Rose
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