Update
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| Sat, 02-19-2005 - 2:35pm |
First big thing (well after giving up my knife) was calling my pastor friend. I can never email or IM without a sinking feeling, so I usually don't. I haven't talked to him since he's been off work from an illness. Since it's hard enough to send him a message online it's even harder to talk to him in person so I am really surprised that I called. My friend called him last week when I was really bad and I saw him on Sunday and he said to call this week. I thought okay, we'll just make an appointment (as much as I don't want to) and that will be it. But no, he wanted to know what was going on, what's new. I told him a few things and we're going to meet eventually but getting a time free on both of our schedules is near impossible. I didn't realize when I was talking to him that next week is reading week so we can meet whenever then. I'll tell him tomorrow, but of course his schedule for next week will already be full by then.
Appt with Christine as difficult but good. I started off with the things on my list (i.e. related to school and disability...that's what her job is right?). After all that she asked how I was (she kind of got a hint in group the day before). My response was Alive. You had the wedding this week? That wasn't the worst part of my week...Thursday was. So what happened Thursday? And I told her all about it and started shaking first and then crying and then nearly had a panic attack but stopped my breathing as soon as I noticed it quicken. I think I've told you all about the incident, right? (rage at work etc). I of course apologized when I started crying (is that silly?) and of course she's like "what for?" I'm thinking duh for wasting your time crying about this. I didn't think her job included talking about my personal problems. I just thought she was there for my disability issues and after getting the accommodations in place I would see her around test time and semester change.
There was also a period of time where we just sat there and looked at each other. The first eye contact I had made all day probably. Yikes. I hate that. And I actually told her that. Maybe because you feel vulnerable? Ya. Windows to the soul right? Anyone else have a problem with eye contact?
The last thing before I left (and almost forgot again...after wanting an answer last week and not saying so) I said I need a plan...for if I'm not feeling safe. So she gave me a list of crisis line numbers and the ER numbers. And finally answered my question about where to go on campus. There are lots of places that do counselling but I didn't think any of them were appropriate. So I found out there is drop in/crisis counselling at the CSD, or go to Campus Health or the hospital ER (we have a hospital on campus-and quite renound so I've heard - both as a teaching hospital and a children's hospital...on tv there is a show about our med students I've heard).
Dr's appt that night was good too. He went off on a tangent which bugs me but still we got through my list of SEs and my request to increase the MS again. He agreed. He said "You're right, you're always right" :) That's because I did my homework on my medication. We will have to do blood work next time. Maybe then he'll see that my levels are ridiculously low. He didn't believe that he only had me on a starting dose (that's where the "you're right" came in...after he looked it up in his big CPS lol).
Okay I'm wiped (even writing this over the course of two sittings). I'll have to write about Friday's appointment another time.


Amanda,
Way to go on the knife and calling your paster.
I know what you mean about the eye contact.
Love,
Amanda, I'm so glad to hear about your strength in giving up your knife and making that phone call. I can definitely relate to your problem with eye contact...for me, it's probably a combination of my "normal" social anxiety and feeling vulnerable like you described.
It's great that you've gotten a plan in place...I hope you will seek help at those places you mentioned if you feel like you need it...nothing to be embarrassed about (I should follow my own advice, lol)! And that you did the research on your meds...especially since you're seeing a general practitioner (I think?) who may not know as much about those specific meds as a pdoc would.
Glad to have you back and doing OK...hang in there...it sounds like you're doing all the right things to start feeling better.
Hugs,
Rose
Hi Amanda,
I am glad that you come to the realization that what you were thinking of doing with the knife wasn't the way to go. I am glad you gave it up. I also think calling someone who can help talk to you is a wonderful idea.
I understand what you mean by eye contact. While I don't have that problem, I know of others that do. It is hard on them.
Take care of yourself.
Love and hugs,
(((((amanda))))) keep up the great work you are doing. having a plan in place is awesome. your daily pledge idea is great as well. you are taking some very proactive steps toward getting stable. keep us posted and remember we're here for you.
hugs,
traci