How Do I Ever Like Myself Again

Avatar for travinski
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
How Do I Ever Like Myself Again
14
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 1:54pm
I live a reclusive life. I have lost all desire to go out and socialize. I work but other than that, seldom go out at all. This gives me more time on the internet which I have used as a weapon to hurt other people. I hide behind emails - telling people off and venting anger and fury which I would not do to their face. I am obsessive about emailing people who I would like to think are all wrong about me. I am sick with shame and guilt. None of these people ever write back and some have changed their email addresses. It's been worse lately because I went off Zyprexa because it's making me fat. I know, I know, better to be fat and loved......I did go back on it but my appetite is out of control. I am still thoroughly disgusted by my own behaviour. I sent an email expressing my remorse but sometimes "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it. I can be one nasty little b*tch. I usually never had friends so this issue of anger didn't come up. I just don't think that these people who I thought were friends have supported me at all during a very upsetting time in my life and so have lashed out so hurt that I thought I finally found a friend but was told by their lack of support and words of comfort that I really wasn't a friend to them. This made me crazy. I hate being bipolar. I hate being out of control. I hate myself so much and want to punish myself somehow. In the last four years I have gone through a miscarriage so am childless. I have gone through a divorce, had two very loved pets die and I almost died myself last summer from Septicimia. I was on a stress leave and have been stereotyped and watched like a hawk since I've gone back to work. They had trouble placing me as nobody wanted me on their staff. I guess they figured that they don't want an unstable person in their charge even though the shrink said it was okay to go back to work. I find myself blowing up at everyone and then just feel so ashamed and guilty. I am 46 and have been in therapy since I was 25 with several different therapists. I have tried a million and one medications and Zyprexa actually worked the best but as you can see, I'm still a horrible person. I hate that I inherited this disorder and I wish it was located in a part of my body and could just get it cut out. How can I ever have friends when I can't be a friend to myself.

Travi

 

Pages

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 4:10pm

what can i do for you? I really don't know from your post what you need right now.

I guess I'm a little confused myself.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 4:29pm

I'm sort of at a loss for words also.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 5:38pm

Sweetie,


Give yourself a break!

Avatar for travinski
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 6:00pm

>>>what can i do for you? I really don't know from your post what you need right now.

I guess I'm a little confused myself.<<<

I want to learn to like myself but it is extremely difficult when I have hurt so many people's feelings. I am engulfed in guilt and shame. How does on survive with this horrible disease?

Travi

 

Avatar for travinski
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 6:02pm
Morgaine, thanks for replying. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder. A psychiatrist diagnosed me as being bipolar. I fit the profile - outbursts, severe depression and remorse, debt up to my eyeballs, sometimes I order things and forget what it was that I even ordered online. I'm a mess.

Travi

 

Avatar for travinski
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 6:15pm

>>>Give yourself a break! We've all done or said things that were horrible in one way or another, when the "monster" gets control--you just have to accept that as a sad fact of life with BP.<<<'

I don't know how to give myself a break. I don't deserve to have a break. I've been a horrible person but now I never get close to anyone because I couldn't stand the thought of one more person hating.
>>>Apologize to those you can, that you were not yourself, when whatever was said or done and let them know that you are working hard to prevent similar incidents, but your health condition makes it difficult and ask that they understand and not take it personally.<<<

>>>The thing is, I've been totally obsessed with trying to get this girl to forgive me. I did say I suffered from depression and PTSD from my abusive marriage but I just couldn't say I was bipolar. I've only admitted this to myself recently. I'm 51 and have been in therapy off & on since I was 18--I still struggle with a lot of things, but I know I've made progress too--a lot since being dx'd BP 3 years ago and even more so in the last 6 months or so when I've finally achieved some level of stability. If nothing else, your years in therapy have helped you survive this long and when the black hole of depression hits, that's a lot!<<<

What good is therapy when it is in your genes? Therapy helped me to get over SOME (few) of the things I have done in anger but when it continues and continues, I just don't see the point.

>>>Try not to let the folks at work get to you, but if you feel they are treating you in a discriminatory way--definitely complain to management.<<<

Management, unfortunately, is the most guilty of stereotyping me. Getting the bosses to watch your every move, asking if I was "really" able to come to work, etc.

>>>Not sure if you're new to the board, I'm having a NO memory day; but if you are, please consider yourself welcomes and take time to read the "Newcomers" post. If you're not new and my memory has failed me, I apologize and welcome back!<<<

I think I came here once before but left, not wanting to admit I'm bipolar. I just told my mom yesterday and she sounded very sad which makes me just want to cry. She is elderly and I don't want her dying and worrying about me when she's gone. I want to be happy so she can assured too.




Travi

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 8:41pm

Honey,


This is going to sound like the most ridiculous idea you've ever heard!

Love,

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 9:22pm

I know how you feel...and I kind of agree with someone else about this being the bpd... i am a borderline as well and that is more of a borderline thing than bipolar.

It is a lot of work to try to like yourself. You need to try to recognize negative feelings when they come up and tell yourself they are not true...even if you don't believe it...eventually you may. my guidance counsellor in hs had me do a mantra daily...i am more than i appear to be for i have all the power and love the god within me

hugs

amanda




Edited 2/20/2005 9:22 pm ET ET by schitz

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 2:19am

First of all, I have to say that even having inherited BP through the genetic lottery can be helped with therapy and meds. There is quite a bit BP and similar disorders in my family and I am usually very stable now.

One of the hardest things to deal with is accepting the illness and the fact that you can't control the fact that you have it.

You need to get some type of therapy - whether a therapist, a class of some time, anything - to learn to stop hating yourself. That is SUCH a big thing. If you don't like yourself, you are always going to struggle with stability. There is NO reason not to like yourself. But, just like a friend that you had a fight with and now you are trying to reconcile with, you have to take it step by step. Figure out what it is about yourself that you hate....then forgive yourself. Forgiveness is always difficult but to forgive yourself seems worse. Once you forgive yourself, figure out how to handle things differently. Set a plan that, for example, when someone makes you angry, you don't call or email them angrily. Instead, take a 10 minute walk and write a note to them. DO NOT GIVE THEM THE NOTE. Wait about 20 minutes more, and read the note....do you really mean everything in it? Is it harsher then you should be? What will sending the note accomplish? Then, write a new version of it. After a little longer, read THAT note - ask yourself the same questions again. If it isn't write, do it over again. Eventually, you will find out that you can accomplish the same amount, or more, being nice - and how to be nice when angry. Trust me, this is something I ALWAYS struggle with.

There are ways to deal with everything. Please start looking for the extra help you need. If your meds aren't helping you, talk to your pdoc and insist they be changed to the right ones. Go into the hospital if you must.

***VERY IMPORTANT***
If your boss/work is discriminating against you or talking amongst themselves regarding your illness they are breaking the law. BP is covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act. Even if your boss makes an offhand comment to someone else about your BP, it is a violation. If you suspect this type of behavior, have a meeting with your HR department and advise them you believe it is going on, why you think that, and if it isn't stopped IMMEDIATELY you WILL contact an attorney. Technically, under the ADA, you do not even have to tell your employer what illness you suffer from - just that you have a chronic illness. If you miss work due to your illness/hospitalization, they CANNOT refuse to give you your job (or a comperable one) when you return.

Stay safe, and take care. Keep posting here as needed.
Tracey

Avatar for travinski
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 4:22am
Well thank you very much for your suggestions. I will certainly try to work the 12 steps although I've never been a fan of 12 step programs. I was in one program when I had eating disorders and I also went to Al-Anon when I was married. I just see the problem of having the anger build up inside me and build up some more until I just go off the deep end.
This drug that you mentioned - Geodon - I have never heard of it. I don't know if it's approved in Canada or not but I just called my pdoc and asked if I could switch. I'll let you know what happens.
Thanks for your support and suggestions.

Travi

 

Pages