How Do I Ever Like Myself Again

Avatar for travinski
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
How Do I Ever Like Myself Again
14
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 1:54pm
I live a reclusive life. I have lost all desire to go out and socialize. I work but other than that, seldom go out at all. This gives me more time on the internet which I have used as a weapon to hurt other people. I hide behind emails - telling people off and venting anger and fury which I would not do to their face. I am obsessive about emailing people who I would like to think are all wrong about me. I am sick with shame and guilt. None of these people ever write back and some have changed their email addresses. It's been worse lately because I went off Zyprexa because it's making me fat. I know, I know, better to be fat and loved......I did go back on it but my appetite is out of control. I am still thoroughly disgusted by my own behaviour. I sent an email expressing my remorse but sometimes "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it. I can be one nasty little b*tch. I usually never had friends so this issue of anger didn't come up. I just don't think that these people who I thought were friends have supported me at all during a very upsetting time in my life and so have lashed out so hurt that I thought I finally found a friend but was told by their lack of support and words of comfort that I really wasn't a friend to them. This made me crazy. I hate being bipolar. I hate being out of control. I hate myself so much and want to punish myself somehow. In the last four years I have gone through a miscarriage so am childless. I have gone through a divorce, had two very loved pets die and I almost died myself last summer from Septicimia. I was on a stress leave and have been stereotyped and watched like a hawk since I've gone back to work. They had trouble placing me as nobody wanted me on their staff. I guess they figured that they don't want an unstable person in their charge even though the shrink said it was okay to go back to work. I find myself blowing up at everyone and then just feel so ashamed and guilty. I am 46 and have been in therapy since I was 25 with several different therapists. I have tried a million and one medications and Zyprexa actually worked the best but as you can see, I'm still a horrible person. I hate that I inherited this disorder and I wish it was located in a part of my body and could just get it cut out. How can I ever have friends when I can't be a friend to myself.

Travi

 

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Avatar for travinski
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 7:15am
I have been in so much therapy for 21 years. The one therapist I've had for the last few years has focused on trying to get me out of the house. She knows me very well and I can be honest with her. I told her that now - since I can't have any children - I have lost all motivation to go anywhere. I think the only reason I went out before was because I hoped I would meet someone who could give me a child. I am grieving the loss of this gift - I have always wanted to be a mother and the desire was so strong, I finally did push myself to go out and meet people to no avail. Most of the men I dated, didn't want anymore children as they were divorced and had their children (selfish bastards). And now I have lost all motivation to go out and socialize. I just want to stay in my safe home but I do need to stay away from the emailing. I'm so embarrassed by my behaviour. And I have tried to like myself my whole life but have never been able to accomplish this task. I remember as a child in elementary school, saying or doing something wrong to somebody else in class and then being crushed with guilt and shame - just like I am now. There is no difference. The feelings are exactly the same and only time healed them but it took a long time. I'm sure I'll feel again that these women who ignore my emails are horrible and mean and I'll be tempted to email them again. I will try to post here instead - please let me post my angry feelings here. I need to vent and it's better if I do somewhere safe. Please, will you all help me with this?

Travi

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 11:00am

i can relate to your resistance about the 12-step programs.

Avatar for travinski
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 4:04pm
Thanks Traci. I am concerned because up until now, my anger and irritability has not affected my work. I am a teacher and the kids were always able to lighten my mood. But lately, I have no patience and am very sharp and harsh at times. Then I felt tremendous guilt. I need to do something about meds and I have given therapy a chance - a 21 year chance. It has helped in some things but no in others. I have said everything I needed to say twice over - it's futile to continue.

Travi

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 5:58pm

i can relate to your profession and the trouble you are experiencing. i drive a school bus for a living. when my rage surfaced it was not a good thing where my job was concerned. but i stepped up my tdoc appointments and got back to my pdoc for a med adjustment.


i understand your frustration with therapy. while i don't have 21 years of it

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