How Do I Ever Like Myself Again
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How Do I Ever Like Myself Again
| Sun, 02-20-2005 - 1:54pm |
I live a reclusive life. I have lost all desire to go out and socialize. I work but other than that, seldom go out at all. This gives me more time on the internet which I have used as a weapon to hurt other people. I hide behind emails - telling people off and venting anger and fury which I would not do to their face. I am obsessive about emailing people who I would like to think are all wrong about me. I am sick with shame and guilt. None of these people ever write back and some have changed their email addresses. It's been worse lately because I went off Zyprexa because it's making me fat. I know, I know, better to be fat and loved......I did go back on it but my appetite is out of control. I am still thoroughly disgusted by my own behaviour. I sent an email expressing my remorse but sometimes "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it. I can be one nasty little b*tch. I usually never had friends so this issue of anger didn't come up. I just don't think that these people who I thought were friends have supported me at all during a very upsetting time in my life and so have lashed out so hurt that I thought I finally found a friend but was told by their lack of support and words of comfort that I really wasn't a friend to them. This made me crazy. I hate being bipolar. I hate being out of control. I hate myself so much and want to punish myself somehow. In the last four years I have gone through a miscarriage so am childless. I have gone through a divorce, had two very loved pets die and I almost died myself last summer from Septicimia. I was on a stress leave and have been stereotyped and watched like a hawk since I've gone back to work. They had trouble placing me as nobody wanted me on their staff. I guess they figured that they don't want an unstable person in their charge even though the shrink said it was okay to go back to work. I find myself blowing up at everyone and then just feel so ashamed and guilty. I am 46 and have been in therapy since I was 25 with several different therapists. I have tried a million and one medications and Zyprexa actually worked the best but as you can see, I'm still a horrible person. I hate that I inherited this disorder and I wish it was located in a part of my body and could just get it cut out. How can I ever have friends when I can't be a friend to myself.

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Travi
i can relate to your resistance about the 12-step programs.
Travi
i can relate to your profession and the trouble you are experiencing. i drive a school bus for a living. when my rage surfaced it was not a good thing where my job was concerned. but i stepped up my tdoc appointments and got back to my pdoc for a med adjustment.
i understand your frustration with therapy. while i don't have 21 years of it
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