Defeated
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| Tue, 02-22-2005 - 12:30pm |
I am not well today. I have no energy. I've been up since 5:15 with my dd, probably because the pouring rain wouldn't let her get back to sleep. I've managed to get done everything that needed to be done, but I'm still sitting here half-dressed, just feeling really bad and not wanting to face my day. As I posted last night, Sunday was an incredibly stressful day for me, and since then I have just crashed. Up until that point I had been doing well for the most part. On Sunday there was just some magic combination of stress, no meds, misalignment of the planets, something...that just caused my coping skills to snap. I just feel really done now. I am great taking care of dd, and in fact that's the only thing that is giving me any peace at all now, and I've been heading in that direction for a while.
I love my in-laws, but they are supremely dysfunctional, and I am maxed out on dealing with it. I can't even get into the ridiculous dynamics of it all here, but the crap that I had previously dealt with reasonably well is overwhelming for me right now, and I am, at this moment anyway, just sick at the idea that we will be here for several more months. They are all good people who mean well, but (my FIL in particular) has no bloody control over his behavior, which is frequently atrocious and really negatively affects everyone here. Of course, it makes perfect sense. He's a licensed counselor (MFT). Shrinks (any form) always seem to be the worst when it comes to their private lives. Regardless, I am fresh out of healthy coping skills. I have been absorbing as much crap as I can, and now I feel maxed out. I don't want to be in this environment, it's driving my dh nutty also, and we're stuck here for a while still. I'm just so down. Someone please post back.
We won't be able to try to conceive for another three weeks or so, so I think I'm going to hit the Klonopin. I need something, and I can't go back on my regular meds, but maybe some Klonopin will help at least for a little while today. I'm stuck in some tweaked ring of hell here, I just don;t know where the greater problem lies right now - inside my home or inside my head.
Kristen

I'm not certain if I can answer you very well, but my family is also very dysfunctional and I wonder the same things as you. I live with my mom and dad and DH. My mother (who is also manic but denies it) drives me crazy. She swings as bad or worse than I do. My dh and her also don't get along too well. They avoid each other a lot. As for me, I have to multi-task to cope because I have difficulty concentraing on one thing for too long. So I read, write, watch TV, and go for a walk. Exercise also helps me alleviate stress. I try to get my mind off it as much as I can. Try to get some time away from it all, perhaps just you and your dd and DH could go out somewhere for awhile. My DH and I go out to dinner or just for a walk in the mall when stress mounts. I envy my DH who has a nice "normal" family. Good luck on trying to conceive!
Jodie
Jodie
kristen, jodie gave some good advice. in addition to that, have you considered calling your tdoc or pdoc? i know how stressful living with parents and/or inlaws can be. living at home with my mother who is an active alcoholic is a daily challenge for me an my 3 children. but please hold on. i know all too well where you are at right now, and you really need to call one of your docs and get some professional guidance. sorry i couldn't be of more help than this, but i do know where you are at right now and i'm sending you lots of {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}. take care and let us know how you are doing.
hugs,
traci
(((((((Kristen)))))))
I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time right now. Maybe you need to take a mental step back away from your in-laws. It does you no good to put up with their drama. I take it from your post that you stopped taking meds because you are TTC?
Thanks Cyn. It's difficult to step back from the dysfunction, as we live with them. It also does not help that this place is often a madhouse of activity, with my niece and nephew here every morning, every afternoon, and frequently spending the night. There are always loud people here. Sometimes it's just ugly for me. Of course, I keep that to myself.
Yes, I tapered off my meds with pdoc's help to TTC. We had planned on trying this month, but (after I was already nearly completely off my meds) decided to postpone one more month, so we will try in March. Just extra time off meds in the madhouse. Being off meds is always risky for me, but the benefits to a child of having a med-free first trimester (at least) outweigh the psychological risk to myself. My doc will be following me. My next appointment is not until March 23 though, so if my mood doesn't pick up and start to stabilize fairly soon I think I may have to make an appointment with a tdoc. That's the plan to get through any potential rough spots while I'm med-free. Perhaps I've hit one of those spots. I'll give it just a bit more time to see if things level off.
Thanks very much for the support.
Kristen
Thanks Jodie. It's all good advice. It gets really tough to have any time alone though, because my niece and nephew are almost always here (in addition to MIL and FIL). My nephew is fairly good about not bugging, but my niece is a very needy 7 year-old. I love them both dearly, but it is very difficult to get any time alone with them here, especially since dd loves playing with her cousins, and that means that they are always in and out of our room (where my computer is). I work at home, so I have to be here to try to get my work done. I have been taking many more breaks lately than I should, though, and trying to get out to do things with dd. I think I need to time those excursions for times when the gang is all here, so I can just get out alone with dd and not have to cope with the rest of them all at once.
It's challenging, as my family is not at all like this.
Have a good day.
Kristen
Hi Traci, and thank you. I have not called pdoc. I haven't really thought there was much to do from the med standpoint, because anything I take now has to be completely out of my system by the time we TTC in a few weeks. If I just take a few Klonopin as needed, that will definitely be metabolized completely by then. Maybe I should just call to update her, I don't know. She and I agreed that I would see a tdoc if needed while I am off meds (or any other time it's needed, for that matter). But I don't normally see a therapist. I've kind of exhausted talk therapy over the years, but I'll go temporarily if I need to. I don't know if there's any point to calling my pdoc in light of the fact that I can't go back on meds now.
Thanks for the empathy. I hope you are having a good day. I'll keep you all posted, but right now I'm not much better than I was earlier.
Kristen
Kristin:
I know this isn't the message you want to hear but, considering how much you were struggling to get stable not that long ago, perhaps this isn't the time to try to have another child. I fully understand the desire for additional children, and how strong it is. However, maybe it would be healthier for you and your dd (because your moods do affect her), and your dh to hold off on it and just be happy you have 1 healthy child.
Good luck either way :)
Tracey
I have to admit that I'm wondering about your comment alluding to "how much I was struggling to get stable not that long ago." I'm not sure what you're talking about. Other than some mild and brief cycling when in the process of deciding whether to go off meds or stay on them throughout the whole pregnancy, I've been very stable for quite a while. Even while stable though, I'm still subject to the same moods and reactions experienced by everyone else. That aside, I had been very stable for a number of months. Refresh my memory if I've forgotten something.
Kristen
Kristen:
I glanced through the posts to see if possibly I was thinking of someone else, but it has only been since June/July (7-8 months) since you seemed to be struggling with meds and psychotic features and your moods. I even recall, and found, the post you had written (message #: 8349.1) in which you said
"just talked with pdoc and, of course, she was kind of stumped with my request for information regarding tapering off meds, because I just called her last week to up tweak one of my mood stabilizers 'cause I'm cycling again. I told her that we want to have another baby and she pointed out that we may have to alter our time schedule a bit, as it's probably not the best timing to get pregnant (ie: go off meds) when I'm starting to cycle again."
That was what I meant by it seems like you were struggling not that long ago.
I agree that while stable on our meds we have the same reactions and emotions of anyone else, I would never state otherwise. I am NOT trying to talk you out of having another child, I was just offering my point of view on the subject.
Tracey