Thanks to all of you strong women.
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| Wed, 09-08-2010 - 11:55am |
After my last post the other day I avoided coming back to read responses. I was afraid of FEELING judged. (Note: I said feeling not actually being judged)
But I was so very wrong. Most of the responses brought tears to my eyes. You DO understand. I feel so supported. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
I will give back, someday. I plan to make it through this! :P
I couldn't handle any more "tough love" that day even though I asked for it! I had an exam to prepare for and had to just focus on that. School term has just begun and I'm always a bit better because it keeps my mind occupied. My soon to be xH has agreed to pay my tuition for me to get my degree. He's such a good person. I never thought I'd have a chance to go back and do this. NOTHING will stand in my way this time.
Yes, I have lots of issues aside from my A. I believe I have a narcissistic mother for one. Reading a book about that currently. Both parents just plain weren't there for me. I'm not blaming them anymore. They had problems that had nothing to do with me. But the self blame comes nonetheless.
Starting early on most of input I received in life spoken or unspoken was:
1. You aren't worth spending time with.
2. You're too sensitive.
3. Don't talk about problems at home with anyone! (This gave me my sense of shame)
4. You are lazy
5. I can't deal with this right now. Or you.
This only scratches the surface. My teens and early twenties. Such a mess! Like many say, "I could write a book!"
xAP I had met when I was 14, he was 17. My parents left us alone together every single weekend in our house. "See ya kids, Have fun." By 15 I had lost my virginity to an 18 year old. It isn't even f'n legal. Never thought about how wrong that was. Now that I have my own DD it's even more incredible to me my parents could allow that.
That's too young to leave a girl to figure stuff out on her own in my opinion.
So I get it. I have to raise myself now. I have to be my own mom, my own dad. I have to love myself, take care of myself, be proud of myself, encourage myself. Everyone else, including a man is just a BONUS.
I really do understand. It's just I HATE that it was this guy. My xAP. If it was gonna happen with anyone I wish it hadn't with him.
It's my pride. He always made me feel so "wrong" when we dated in HS. I was "less than" and now it's like he came back. Saw me happy (at least on the surface) with my H and daughter and thought, "Oh no" "I'm NOT gonna let her get away with this."
It's like he created me long ago and wanted to see that creation was still there. But there was a lot that went into creating that shell of a girl. Not HIM.
He nothing but a SYMPTOM. And I've been convincing myself it was true love. But I know better.
I have to face the responsibility of completely taking care of myself. And in a way I have been for a long time but f'n it up big time!!
I would love nothing more than to be able to trust myself. What a gift that would be.
I do have a lot of personal work to do. A looooong road to recover from this. And I'm 41. I wonder if I'll ever feel "normal" whatever that is.
Thanks again to ALL. I'll keep reading.

Lilly,
I'm glad you came back - it is always hard to hear the tough love that we crave - it's such a double edged sword -