It's over. Day 1 anxiety

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2009
It's over. Day 1 anxiety
31
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 12:17pm
After weeks, actually months, of endings and beginnings, negotiations and trying to work on the "relationship" problems with my AP, last night was the final straw. I said some things that I'm ashamed of, and he ended it definitively last night. I sent off one last apology for the things I said (mostly about his wife, who I know very well, and his home life) and now NC is in effect.
I feel horrible for hurting him. Not because it's over, but because while fighting for my "rights" in the relationship, I used his relationship with his W against him. I am also married, but he never did that to me.
I'm a bundle of crazy emotions right now. Can someone with experience please try to talk me through this...are my feelings normal?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 12:23pm

Smoted,



Welcome to EAS - it's a great place to learn, grow and move on from this experience.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2009
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 12:36pm
Thank you, Lolly for the welcome.
I posted a couple of weeks ago when things started taking a turn for the worse. They got better for a few days, worse again...a never ending cycle of heartache and anger.
I feel like venting about the reasons why I said what I did to him, and what caused this last argument, but I don't know if that is counterproductive to healing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 12:54pm
See!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2009
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 1:12pm
Yes, married for almost 13 years. We have two children. My husband is a good husband and a good father. We have fundamental problems that will never change because they are mostly personality differences, but he has done nothing to warrant what I've done.
AP and I were involved for almost two years. He is my friend's husband, which has further complicated everything, because of the guilt, because of what I hear from her about their private life...it's just a big mess. I think it would be easier to separate if I didn't know her, if I could just assume that he was lying or embellishing about how his wife didn't treat him well, etc. But in their case, I hear her side AND his side, and what he says is true because I've heard it from her. He has always been vying for her affection, even though I've been here all along trying to compensate for what he was lacking. I should've known it would never work, because even though he had me here, with open arms, he wanted those things from her. I finally said that to him last night, and I think it stirred up more pain in him than I could've imagined, and I feel terrible for it. It's best that it's over.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 3:33pm

Welcome to the board, Smoted. You said this has been ending and starting quite a bit, so I hope this is going to your final ending, at least

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 7:49pm
Smoted...welcome to EAS. I don't have the words for you just yet because I'm new here as well but wanted to offer my support. Please do yourself and your family a favour and do not entertain the idea of resuming the A again. It's over now and it hurts like hell but so will getting involved again. I wish when i ended my A the first time that we stayed away because i wouldn't be in the pain I am in now. You are in the right place for support; post and read as much as you can to help with the healing process. Hugs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2009
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 7:54pm
Thanks, cait. It's funny how I went most of the day feeling sad, but ok, and once dusk settles in I fall apart. I know this is for the best, it's just so hard. I'm trying to pull back from his wife because she's a painful reminder of what we were doing, but it's hard with no good explanation to give her. I'm a wreck and will check in here often tonight because the temptation to contact him again is very great.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 8:36pm

Cait,
Welcome and big hug. Tonight will be difficult and you'll be tested. May I suggest that you take preventative measures to protect yourself from the crazy-storm that will be blowing in?
It's like battening down the hatches, if you will.

Write down RULES for behavior and do not allow yourself to deviate from the list. No renegotiating the terms under emotional duress!
Here are some ideas:
Don't wax romantic: No reading old emails or looking at pictures!
If you consider contacting him, you will immediately distract yourself with an activity that removes you from the computer/phone.
No drinking!!!
Practice self-affirmations, "I CAN do this!"
No sappy movies or listening to trigger-happy music.

There is a lot more I could add to the list, but you get the idea.

I'm rooting for you and hope you'll update us in the morning.
Best,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2009
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 11:42pm
So far, so good. I'm struggling, though. I am feeling terrible guilt for the things I said that caused us to end this, this time for good. A couple of weeks ago, he did something that was very hurtful and I swore I'd never speak to him again, and I went NC on him cold turkey until his distraught pleading for explanations caused me to break it. I so wish I had stuck to my guns then...always the guilt that makes me go back :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 12:04am

Hello Smoted



We are in a similar timeframe- my A ended yesterday too.



I am still crying (had to take the day off work I am so upset). I am mostly upset that maybe I ended it unnecessarily- which is bizarre as the whole thing lasted 18mths with a large amount of angst and unhappiness for me in the last 12!



But I feel guilt intensely today- and that is what is making me so upset.



Iggy x



You are what you consistently do

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