new, hurting, need you ladies!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2010
new, hurting, need you ladies!
9
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 10:03am

Omg ... where do i start? After reading my entire post you may not think EAS is the best place for me but iv been lurcking for a yr and know this is my safe haven.

January 2009 I started seeing my best friends husband (i know ...) they had been married 20yrs, I was in a twenty year marriage. To be honest the affair was awsome (well when we were together) I saw him 5 days a week .... all day !!! My son was in school and he was/is self employed and his employees ran his business. Pretty much a hotel (that i paid for) we managed 4 or five weekend trips and even one seven day trip to the bahamas without being caught. I was head over freaking heals in love. I was married to good man but we had grown apart many many years ago. His wife was actually a nice, pretty person he never said why he was in the affair... i never asked. I filed for divorce on july 1st .... he said he was soon to follow. To speed story up .... he didnt have to file his wife did when she finally caught us at a hotel a few weeks later(and called my soon to be ex)....... but ...... SHOCK she asked him back, i went under the bus, my marriage was over and he was back at the house. I was crushed, until five days later i get the can we meet email. My dumbass went and it was back on, this time with no promises. I wanted REVENGE but more than that i wanted him all mine .... I told my soon to be ex that I was number four on the affair list for him and as predicted he went right to mm's wife. This time it was more than she could take and she booted him out of the house. Perfect ....
Ok so here is where the next chapter starts.... its now october. I'm officially divorced, he's moved out and his date is coming soon. We finally start the open relationship i was dreaming of. Our kids were not speaking to us ... my 16 yr old and his sixteen and twenty yr old. (mine did finally come to me and his him but never us together) We were in public !!! great so id imagined BUT the whole freaking town was talking about us !!! All of our friends turned their back on the horror of the situation. I could not go to the grocery store and hold my head up. Late april of this year i moved in with him. I was always filled with such anxiety. I loved him so much more than he loved me. Even out of the EMR i was still settling for crumbs. We had some really good times though it was sooooo freaking hard.
I'll skip for now lots of middle ground. August 13 he told me it was not working and I needed to get out ... today. No warning. He said the guilt of the affair was still ovr him and to much to bear plus our kids not blending, it was all to much. Iv spend the last month begging, pleading, humiliating my self with I'll always love you blah, blah.... while he spent four days without me and was on match.com and adding his old affair partner to the facebook list of friends, right before he blocked me. I'm a mess what a whirlwind all this .... two freaking years and now this. Maybe Im a inspiration for all you girls who thought if he'd only leave his wife....... I think he wanted to play the field and jumping right into another relationship was not on his agenda.
Iv not talked to him since my pathetic call on wednesday of more begs. So i guess today is day four of no contact. I know I need to do it. I miss him so much. I wanted a life with him. My selfworth is a rock bottom. I have no energy, motivation .... nothing. He is out dating and taking trips while a good day for me is shower and a half a bowl of soup. Iv lost 15 lbs in one month (i was not over weight) I'm living on diet coke and ciggerrets. I need support. Please tell this is the board for me. It was the EMA that got me in this mess.
I want to contact so bad ... just to say have a nice day .... to keep the door open. Why? He has shut it in my face. I feel like I'll never get the old me back ..... I miss the old me.

I guess i should add a p/s- his wife is now remarried so i know he didnt go knocking on that door!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 10:26am

Hi, Nextchapter and big, big hugs.
Just reading what you've been through and are going through was gut wrenching. You've been through a deeply humiliating, esteem crushing experience and I hope that the lessons that are taught here will help you now that you seem to be 'open' to letting them. It seems like if anyone has ever reached rock-bottom, you have - the good news is that there is HOPE for better future; it's possible for you to climb back up. I'm glad you finally quit lurking and have reached up for the hands that will help pull you out of this dark hole.

Since you've lurked for so long, you might think that you have read the board and know the drill, but I suggest you re-read _everything_, since your frame of mind and reference will have shifted greatly from the first time you read.

Please keep posting.

Best to you,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 10:30am

NC,



If being here is going to help you heal, then we accept you with open arms. True, it is no longer an A, but

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2010
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 10:43am
Thank you both for your quick reply. Even in the open it was like the affair never ended. The guilt, and wrongness was still there. Nowwwww I have the "town" saying we knew that sh*t would never last .....and it didnt. I gotta get over the i didnt win feeling. for awhile i thought i did and to be honest it felt good. Iv never felt so low. All i did during the affair is hitting me now.... over a year later. The tears wont stop. Im a financially secure, educated lady yet I feel like Im in crazy zone .... seeing physic's....checking out " love spells " .... crazy crazy crazy! Im not seeing a counselor, yes i need one! Yes I went through hoops of fire to "get him" but boy did i get burned.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2010
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 10:52am

It sounds like your XAP couldn't take the heat any longer, and chose to leave this burning building.

Its funny you used those words. His very last words to me were were "baby we been slow dancing in a burning room, the music has stopped and its time to run " ironic what you said when he used that analogy.

No contact will help regain some dignity, right now I have NONE.
When will pain ease just a little freaking bit? How do you let go of hopes and dreams? OMG this is the hardest thing iv ever been through

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 12:23pm

Next,



<>



A little at a time, honey. Time will really be the factor in this. This letting go stuff is a painful challenge, and we've all had to

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 1:33pm

Dear NextChapter,



Welcome and a huge (hug) to you. Wow - you have been through the wringer and I can only imagine how freaking tired you are. Just totally emotionally spent )-:



"Maybe Im a inspiration for all you girls who thought if he'd only leave his wife....... I think he wanted to play the field and jumping right into another relationship was not on his agenda."



I think others should take this to heart. There is such a HUGE space between leaving their wives and staying gone. And even more so, when these men get a taste of freedom, I think many head out into the dating scene. I mean really, who were we? Some woman that was a nice side-dish during an affair, but now that they are out in the clear, other women might seem much more enticing.



I always say, we are the other half of the worst thing(s) they/we (probably) ever did in their/our lives. And as lovely as the fantasy of my xAP and I being together might have been, I could never look at him again without remembering all the hurt, lies, and manipulation he colluded with me in - and used against

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2010
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 2:07pm

Thank you ladies, your words are helping and I'm listening. Omg yes I was the other half(and he mine) of the worse thing that ever happened .... to our kids, ourselves..... yes im listening.
Gonna find a therapist, Iv got insurance and damn sure have the time. Thanks again. Spent the whole day in bed, reading healing library .... no plans of getting out anytime soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 3:56pm

Welcome NextChapter- This is truly the beginning of the next chapter of your life, so I urge you to commit to NC. You are in an emotional fog right now- you have truly been to hell and back- you've been stuck in the back and forth for a long time, but now you are free, so let the dust settle. And the best way to do that is to stick to NC. Don't let him cloud your mind. Think about you and what you can do for you now. He's certainly shown his true colors over and over again and caused a lot of pain. Now, take control. Do this for you. Work to rid him from your system, and when that is done, when you can go through a day and feel bits of happiness, you will need to start dissecting you. And that will be another painful, but necessary process. I think you will find a lot of insight here as you read what others are going through. Though yours wasn't an A in the end, it is still an end.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2010
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 4:48pm
Thanks Jane and everyone for the welcome. I feel at "home" here. I blocked him from facebook and took him out of my phone. I'm committed to NC. I guess right now im just mad at myself that he ALWAYS had all the power. He ended it (he also did many times during the affair... never me) I hate it was not me who did it. I knew it wasnt gonna work. Im doing no contact ..... I have no fishing attempts to worry about, positive. Its me who has to sit on her hands until the pain eases. I see you ladies at three months NC, six months NC and longer and Im jealous. I have to remember that each and every one of you started at day one. Day four and counting ..... omg this hurts!!!!!!