Seeing xAP back at workplace.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Seeing xAP back at workplace.....
7
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 3:48pm

Hello all,

Well, xMM/xAP returned to work this week. I had total NC for almost 100 days, then I learned he was returning to work. The first night he said hello to me, I didn't respond. Then next two nights we ignored each other, at times it was rather juvenile (if we had to walk past we suddenly looked away, turned around, walked into the restroom, etc...stupid stuff like that) and it was taking up way too much energy to disregard him. Again, he was consuming way too much time in my thoughts. Also, employees were noticing we avoided each other and had not talked since we had been good friends before.

So, Friday night at work, I approached him since I indeed had paperwork for him. I explained the paperwork and told him I had not acknowledged him when he came to work the first night and had been ignoring him since. He said there was a lot of tension between us. I told him I could not say hello, be nice to 49 people and unkind to one, so told him I would acknowledge him, say hello, be courteous.

I also told him the day he called to tell me it was over, I was hurt and angry, but I told him he had made his choice and I was respecting that. I told him if he had work issues that I could help with, then it needed to be done at work since I had blocked all his phone numbers from my phone.

He started to explain his actions or things that happened with his family, but I couldn't go down that path again. I cannot become invested in his life. After I finished I said good night and walked away.

I feel better than I at least talked with him. Now, so much energy won't go into trying to avoid him. If I see him, I don't have to turn away. We can acknowledge each other and leave it at that.

Hopefully, this will be a better solution than what I experienced the first week. To my knowledge, xMM's wife has not contacted my husband again except with an email the first night he returned to work.

MovingON

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 4:29pm

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 4:41pm

Thanks Iddy,

I will make it my homework to read the 'rules for maintaining contact at work' and good suggestion to read each Sunday night. Thanks for the tip. I know many others have gone down this path before me and I appreciate all the advice given to me.

MovingON

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 5:45pm

Hello Movingon (-:

Oh wow - I remember those early days of NC. They were awful as I tried to figure out how we were going to re-negotiate boundaries. I felt so uncertain as to what I wanted. Those early days I felt soo frustrated with myself - I both wanted him to breach my new boundaries, while never ever wanting him to look at me again. I felt completely confused my these thoughts, and felt like I wasn't as far ahead as I felt when I wasn't seeing him (I took time away from work). But, I soon realized, that I wanted nothing to do with him. Being polite was the most I was willing to offer. People talked like CRAZY. I could have cared less. We went from arriving and leaving every single event together, to not even sitting on the same side of the room. People weren't stupid. But my healing was my focus, worrying about all the rest would have meant I would have had to be friendlier to him in order to keep up appearances - something I was totally unwilling to do.

Anyway, here is a great thread in response to Jane. I think you will find it helpful:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlending/?msg=28483.1

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou






Edited 9/12/2010 6:18 pm ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 7:19pm

Hey TU,

Thanks for the thread from Jane. I read through it. I also started reading in the healing library as Iddy had suggested. The steps to follow in the area of maintaining LC at work were harsh, and I say that because I feel like I blew it because I did bring in personal information. It had been nearly 100 days of NC and then when I had to talk with him about work stuff, personal stuff spilled out like. I admitted to him I was hurt and angry by his decision of staying with his wife, but respected it and would not contact him.

I was doing great with NC, but then when he came back to work and finally talked to him four days later, I blew it. I know that closure comes from within but I never got to say anything back and guess I felt I needed the last word. Oh well, guess I didn't blow it too badly. I wasn't upset after talking to him and didn't have those same type of feelings for him. I got a minute or two to say my peace and now I'm done. Perhaps not the wisest thought process last Friday, and I don't think it will undo all the time I had spent in NC.

I thought I had it all together too, and then when talking to him, I fell into old patterns, but fortunately, it was a very short conversation. Now, I feel like I can go on in the work place. I felt I needed to say the things I needed to say to continue to help in healing me.

MovingON

MovingON

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 8:54pm

MO,



Sounds to me like you handled yourself like a pro that you are. You didn't fall or slide

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 12:08am

Ditto RBM



I think rather than acting like petualnt children, it was a convo you probably were better getting out the way than allowing things to fester and appear intantile to onlookers.



Hopefully the crisis is passed and things will settle for the best now... just no more personal talk !!



Well Done MO

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 5:01am

Hi MO



I think you did really really well. Id be really proud of myself if I were you xx



Iggy xx



You are what you consistently do