I am pathetic- Day 6 - I failed NC
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I am pathetic- Day 6 - I failed NC
| Mon, 09-13-2010 - 4:55am |
Ok I am opening myself up here. I cant believe I freaking broke bloody NC! God Im so mad at myself and so worried I am not as strong as all of you. FCK! (Sorry). I texted him at 4 this afternoon (nearly made the whole day) and said 'This is so hard'. Of course he didnt respond.
I have tortured myself this evening about why did I do this? Why did I fish? How could

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Iggy,
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Honey, we are not your parents, or keepers, or the ender police. We are your sisters/brothers, and of course we want what is best for you, but it is YOU that you let down. I am sure the disappointment in yourself pains terribly, but that was then and this is now, and holding yourself accountable to us is huge step toward being honest with yourself.
Recognizing our triggers is important too. Perhaps it was the pressure of writing that paper, or the fear we feel inside when we have to acknowledge that something is truly over in our lives, but remember you are human. If at first you don't succeed,
~Iddy~
Thanks Iddy
Im pretty down on myself tonight- I'll try again tomorrow. Back to Day 1 I guess.
IGS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now i am pouring myself a glass of red to imbibe with you....
How can i put this.....
Dont let the Aussie side down .....
Here i am fighting my own little Antipodean battle,,when reinforcements arrive
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
Oh but in my googling for all sorts of 'healing' things today (at work), I found this..... I REALLY like this.
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?" The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
Cherokee Legend
Dear NC :)
I forgot about our Aussie team :) That made me laugh thanks mate!!!
I'll don the green and gold lycra- and back in the pool tomorrow:)))))
Aussie Oi Oi Oi :)
Hello Iggy,
Yes - that's it, dust yourself off and get yourself going again. You're not a quitter are you? You want your life back don't you? Then you will just need to take this harsh new blow and use it to fuel you back into self-protection mode. YOU MUST BLOCK HIM and free yourself of the pain of (still) waiting for a response.
And just as Iddy said, you are the one to hold yourself accountable. I remember those early days, and I had so many false starts. Broke NC after day 3, then again at about 2 weeks, a month (or something like that) and then OUT I went for good. Leaving is usually a process, but it doesn't need to be (-:
You've learned what you needed to from this last fishing attempt: you are likely going to want to fish, and he is NOT going to respond. Let him go & free yourself. You can't go on Iggy and you can't use your fear of the pain to come by ending your affair to sentence yourself to a lifetime worth of the affair roller-coaster. This man is never going to be with you, and he has made that clear. Time to move on to mourning the loss that this time it is really really over. You have been back and forth so many times that it makes sense that you've experienced a delayed response to this recognition. You can say it is over time and time again, but that moment that it hits you that it is REALLY OVER, well that's a whole different ball game.
You're okay Iggy, but you're going to make it Iggy. You just gotta keep fighting like h*ll.
((hugs))
** edited because I made a comment that was for a different newer ender - I am not too bright this early!
(-:
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Edited 9/13/2010 7:43 am ET by transcendingus
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
This is where that 48 hour rule comes into effect for you.
It really works. Sometimes you have to take it one minute at a time, one minute turns into an hour and then they add up to the magical 48 hours.
It works. Forty Eight hours and you will think differently of your undesirable actions. It has
We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.
Iggy,
You are no less strong than any of us were in the beginning. We ALL started at day one, at least once. A lot of us fell - either responding to a fishing attempt or fishing ourselves... I did. I fished; I think I was, like, 8 weeks out when I did that. I can't remember. Anyway... you're not a loser and you need to stop the negative self talk; it's counterproductive and sets you up for failure.
You stirred up a sh*t storm and now you have to ride out the emotional consequences. It's a pity because, at 6 days out, you have so many other feelings to contend with without having to now ride this wave, too.
Good job coming here to be accountable. Batten down your NC hatches and march forward.
Get strong; it's within you.
Dee
Iggy,
I wish that I had time to write more to you but I dont. I do, however, want to offer my support.
When I started my ending process, I too put XMM on a pedestal. I had this vision of him that was skewed. In my eyes, he was a caring, loving man. Once the fog faded a bit I saw who he really was. He was a man that cheated on his wife numerous times and like me, he was selfish and had an affair.
I will tell you what someone from eas told me....When you put someone on a pedestal, the only thing they can do is look down at you.
The fog will fade my dear and you will see that he is not everything you thought he was, in fact, he was a few things you chose to ignore and not see.
Best of luck.
GMLB
Hi Iggy-
Oh honey, we've all BTDT. I ended my A more times than I can count before it really stuck. You now know that if you reach out to him, he won't respond. Next time you want to reach out to him, remember this. Remember how you feel right now and then protect yourself. Remember, you have a choice. Make the choice to protect yourself and move on from this pain. With each day you will grow stronger. In the very early days I came up with the 48 hour rule. Every time I wanted to reach out to him, I waited 48 hours before I did anything. During that time, I would come here or reach out to a friend and 9 times out of 10, the urge would pass, I'd settle down and be so thankful that I did not break NC. The 48 rule taught me how to be patient. During the A, we are so addicted to that instant response. We are so crazy emotional and frantic... those are the emotions we have to learn to settle now. We need to be okay waiting... sitting with ourselves... allowing ourselves the opportunity to work through it and calm ourselves. It gets easier with practice. So, the next time you get the urge to break NC, I want you to recall how you feel right now (write a note to yourself that you can read), then I want you to get your butt here so you can read, and DO NOT do anything for 48 hours. Soon 48 hours becomes a week, becomes a month, becomes months, and you will wonder why you ever couldn't maintain NC in the past.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
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