Broken

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Broken
4
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 7:14am

I know I'm going to get an earful.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: mynameislolly
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 7:30am

"I'm angry at myself for giving in. I'm not entirely sure why I answered.'

Hello Lolly,

You need to think really long and hard about those moments right before you broke NC. When you saw that message from him, what were the first thoughts/feelings that you experienced? You had to have had a range of emotions, no? You gave in, and unpacking your reasons why will be so important for you to get some insight into your vulnerabilities. For instance, did you want him to think that you could be friendly - like, hey no big deal. Were you afraid to hurt his feelings, disappoint him, or were you looking to connect if even though a seemingly innocent email? Did you think to come to us first to ask for advice on what to do? Why or why not?

I also worry that you will have a delayed response to this interaction - like, how freaking dare he message me such an insignificant message after all we have gone through? Is this the best he's got? Why did I do that? What messages did I send by doing so? I know you said you felt neutral IN the interaction, but you are kicking yourself for making contact. Can you share a little more about this?

I look forward to hearing some of your thoughts.

((hugs))

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
In reply to: mynameislolly
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 7:55am

When you saw that message from him, what were the first thoughts/feelings that you experienced? You had to have had a range of emotions, no?



Actually it wasn't really any feeling or emotion - it just felt matter of fact - his questions were valid, we both have faced a church court discipline (mine was a couple weeks ago, his was yesterday), and he needed some of the generic information that would ordinarily be available if we both lived in the same place but since he is across the country from me, he would have had to wait a longer amount of time to request it - and he knew he could just ask me and have an instant answer. I suppose I could have just made him wait and request it -



did you want him to think that you could be friendly - like, hey no big deal. Were you afraid to hurt his feelings, disappoint him, or were you looking to connect if even though a seemingly innocent email?



It wasn't an issue of friendliness or any softening feelings for him, I guess I just want to close the door and if supplying him with information does that - then it is what it is.



Did you think to come to us first to ask for advice on what to do? Why or why not?



I'll be honest - I just responded - for me it was factual - I didn't think much of it then.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: mynameislolly
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 8:54am

Lolly,
There is a reason I tell the newbies to write down a list of acceptable behaviors and stick to that list no matter what. You did not make sure your NC Boat was watertight; that was a mistake, and xAP was able to get to you... oy. So, you were placed in a position that you were unprepared to handle correctly. Had you followed Jane's 48 Hour Rule, you probably would have avoided responding. Moreover, had you had a list of NC rules in front of you, a list you had committed to following, you would have deleted that message before reading it.

You need to accept that you have no role in 'helping in', other than to leave him alone and not enable him or yourself any longer when it comes to this R. You also need to read about Closure in previous posts, so that you can understand that what you did was an attempt at closure that was futile and destructive. It's a difficult but necessary realization: Closure comes entirely from within and there is nothing said between you and X that will bring you the answers or relief you seek.

It's good that you came to the board for accountability. Today will be better, if you make that choice.

Dust off and get up and going.
Best,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
In reply to: mynameislolly
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 9:51pm

Dee,

you are completely right - my NC boat had a teeny leak and unfortunately, has caused damage to my interior. Thankfully, it's fixable and I've already begun doing the work to fix.

I have thought about this all day long - I think I just got cocky - I have felt secure in the end, have done all the surface things - blocked, changed numbers, changed addresses, deleted him from my FB but I hadn't prepared for scenarios like this - and I wasn't prepared. I spent most of the afternoon at work (thankfully a quiet afternoon) creating lists to put around in places like my car, taped to the back, of my phone, on my computer - at work, at home, etc. - I worked out some what-if scenarios so that I don't go through this again.

And, just as all of you have mentioned, my answering undermined the message that I am not open to further contact - he has sent several more messages which I have deleted without reading. You are all right - and I am recommitted.

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