Okay, will fess up and admit it -
Find a Conversation
Okay, will fess up and admit it -
| Mon, 09-13-2010 - 12:55pm |
So I just posted a while ago about how some days I find I hate him while others I'm totally "over it" and actually have feelings of sincereity regarding XAP, and I think I've figured out really what it is that is bothering me when I get in the moods of "I hate him".....
I think it hurts to see him as over it, over me, as if he has moved on 100% and never gives me a 2nd thought, it hurts to feel that way and it triggers a lot of hate.
There, said it!

Hi CrazyGirl (I thought you had changed your moniker?)
Anyway, I am not sure you who are admitting "it" to, because those feelings of hatred that mask the hurt, well I think we have all felt that at one point or another. It isn't hard to imagine why you feel hatred; although it takes a lot of energy to feel so strongly toward JAM. kwim?
I do want to follow-up on this statement that you made in your other thread:
"I want him to feel ALL that I am feeling and I know I shouldn't care but I do and can't help it."
You're right, you shouldn't care. However, what I would like to point out is that YOU CAN HELP IT. I know it feels like you can't, but your obsessing over how much he did/did not care, how much he is/is not hurting ... you have no idea what he is thinking or feeling, therefore worrying about it, writing your own script for his thoughts, serves NO useful purpose. When I have to see my xAP, I put on the bravest face possible and act as though my life could not be any better - like seriously, it is an award winning performance. I won't let him take any more dignity away from me by letting him see how I am really feeling. I also don't want to rope him in emotionally. If he sees me looking sad/stressed etc ... he will be more likely to fish. I REALLY DON'T WANT HIM TO. Your ego wants him to care, your rational brain knows that his fishing attempts, his display of emotion would absolutely suck you right back in.
Have you read the thread in the Healing Library about stopping obsessive thoughts? There are tricks that you can learn to put a stop to them. You need to retrain your brain CG. You have a choice. Bohdi had a whole thread recently to remind us that we have a choice. You can choose to learn how to stop concerning yourself with him, or you can continue down this crazy making path of trying to understand him.
LC makes it so hard to make a clean break - therefore you need to work extra hard to emotionally disengage yourself. LC may be difficult, but it is not impossible. You have been so working hard at trying to not make eye contact and keeping things professional. I am so proud of you.
But as we have shared, you need to seriously spend some time focusing on YOU. I know that things have been very hard for you, and how awful LC is )-: Posting here is one thing that you can be doing to free yourself, I am wondering what other steps you might be able to take to start getting out of this stuck place, that is focusing on why he isn't acting as sad/hurt as you are feeling. Have you been reading the Healing library?
Keep going CG - 13 weeks is huge!
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Hi CG,
Not a lot to add to what TU has said other than it is good you explored why you feel the hate and what is underlying it.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
I do the same thing. Sometimes it changes hour to hour.
I was reading last night. It was a suspense, fiction book didn't have anything to do with affairs or my situation. But something I read made me think and kind of helped. The 2 detectives were talking about a tip they had got on an unlikely suspect and whether or not they should dig up his yard to look for a body. And one of them said "Either I end up a laughing stock, fooled into wasting thousands of dollars..... or I go down in history as the DI who dismissed an important lead and never found the bodies hidden in a greenhouse. Which you can bet would be discovered 5 yrs later by some pipsqueak bobby." And the other detective said "Sir, either there are more bodies to find, or there aren't. It's not as if they'll only be there if you don't look for them." Maybe I am crazy but it made me think. He either misses me or not, he was either sincere or not, but my wondering and obsessing about it doesn't change the reality either way, so why bother? I know this is what others have tried to tell me, but sometimes you have to see it for yourself and sometimes in an unlikely place. And for at least today I haven't even wondered about it either way. I hope that continues and I hope you can do the same.
"He either misses me or not, he was either sincere or not, but my wondering and obsessing about it doesn't change the reality either way, so why bother? I know this is what others have tried to tell me, but sometimes you have to see it for yourself and sometimes in an unlikely place."
BINGO!!!! This is it Willow - this is the turning point. WHAT HE THINKS OR DIDN'T JUST DOESN'T MATTER NOW! Their every thought/feeling & emotion mattered to us so much during the affair, that it takes time and incredible work to come to disentangle ourselves from trying to figure them out.
I have found some of my greatest moments of insights in the strangest of places too.
So glad that you are still with us,
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Thank you all for everything and helping to pull me through -
The whole hatred part is so strange really becuase for the most part I don't feel it anymore, I notice that when I DO start to feel it again it is becuase he hasn't given one inch to me and that might sound bad but it's true. It is almost as if my sub-concious knows this (becuase honestly I am grateful he doesn't fish) yet somewhere in the back of my head I want him to and when he doesn't it angers me and makes me say "I hate him". Also when he passes me and smiles all sweet (like he use to) as he stares at me (just like he did today).....I want him to look down in SHAME!
Not sure if that makes sense but that is where that hatred feeling is coming from. See, it is so weird for me to accept, understand and comprehend that NOW it is purely a working relationship when for so long we were "friends"; made each other laugh, shared thigns with each other, confided in each other and well now, nothing. I ask myself how is it so easy for him yet WHO CARES.
Anyway, that is my thoughts for today and my reasons/beliefs as to why I feel I sometimes "hate him".
Talking it out on here with you all helps so very much, can't express that enough.