All the Single Ladies
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| Wed, 09-15-2010 - 2:00pm |
I've been back for a week or so after a while away from the board, and most of ya'll are "new" to me (it had been a while since I was here last). It seems like there are a lot more women talking about reconnecting with their husbands, rebuilding their marriages, etc. than when I was here last . . . is anyone here single? :)
Maybe it's just me and this particularly lonely stage I'm in right now, but I feel like I'm the only single woman in the world right now--and that sounds like a major pity party, doesn't it? :) While I'm thankful for the time and opportunity to do some work on ME without having to deal with the complications of a relationship, it's also really lonely at times, especially when Friday and Saturday nights roll around.
If you don't know my story, I am going through the 2nd ending of my A . . . after my XAP separated from his W this summer for a few months and reeled me back in & convinced me there was indeed a happily-ever-after for us (I know, I know--I got foggy), he decided he really couldn't go through with a divorce for money reasons, kids, his reputation, "insert your favorite excuse here and he probably had it," etc.
I'm really doing okay with NC--no urge to get in touch with him at this point at all, I know I won't ever go back, etc.
But the loneliness is kind of unbearable at times right now. I've been D for a year (separated for 2.5 yrs) and I don't know if it's the ending of my A--again--that's making me feel like this, or after effects of my D, or both, or what.
Any other single ladies struggling with this?

Hi Juliette!
I only have a minute right now, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in how you are feeling - I'm struggling with the same thing. I'll be a Tweener in a little over a week after finally ending a 7.5 year long A. I've been single for 6 years - separated with my H pretty quickly after getting involved with XAP.
Bodhi
You are definitely not alone. I am single as well and it does get lonely like you had said. Although I can relate to a lot to many of the feelings and emotions here on EAS I wondered about the single ladies who were the OW. How they are coping? Is it any different? Also, how do you move on? To meet nice single eligible men? Even after healing? Do you trust? Etc Etc. I don't know, what are your thoughts? I feel the same in the sense where I do not want to go back to XMM. But I am coping with major bouts of missing him and I especially miss the attention and affection.
Hi Bodhi,
Whew! I was starting to think I was the only one sans a man around here :) I'm not happy that you're single (unless you wanna be, then I am), but I'm happy to find someone who can relate.
It was my choice to be single and D--my XH was willing for forgive and rebuild, but I doubted my ability to really re-engage and have my heart be in rebuilding our M. :( I struggled with a LOT of guilt over that, but I felt like I wouldn't have been honest to say, "Let's start over and rebuild" and really mean it. I simply didn't want to be married to him anymore, and I hadn't for a long while . . . there were so many issues and some elements of emotional abuse that he didn't really start to deal with until after our separation, and then my heart was really disengaged.
Anyway, I'm thankful and hopeful for the chance to start all over one day with someone and to finally, eventually, have a healthy R . . . but I'm 45, so I'm also not feeling all that patient.
I've dated a little, but there's not a large singles pool in the city where I live, so it's tough. I know I was lonely in my marriage, too--that's a lot of what led to my A. But this loneliness of recovering from ending an A--for good now--and a M both is kind of intense sometimes.
Have any good tips?
by xxiced
Hi LLL,
Yeah, it's different when you don't have another relationship to throw yourself into when your A ends, isn't it? On one hand, I'm glad--I mean, I admire and totally respect the women here who are married and committed to rebuilding their relationships with their husbands. But I don't know how I would have been able to rebuild with my H, my heart was so NOT there anymore. I do believe that my A was an exit A--I think I used it to pull me out of bad marriage. Not a healthy way to end a M, AT ALL--I certainly wouldn't recommend it :( But I don't have the extra stress of trying to rebuild a M that was severely damaged by an A, so in some ways, that's a good thing.
On the other hand, I'm alone. I have my kids with me every other week--and I see them most days when they're with their dad (we have a very amicable relationship), but when they're not living with me, oh my . . . the weekends especially can be very tough.
I've been trying to work on my relationships with my friends more, and with myself, and with God, but wow, I really miss having someone to hold me at the end of a long week or someone to have a quiet romantic dinner with. :(
It's tough. I do NOT miss my XAP--but I do miss how he could make me feel. And yes, I DEFINITELY miss the attention.
by xxiced
You know, I find the world and life so "funny" (not haha funny), "funny" as in unfair.
I'm a MW and my xAP was single.
Garfy
NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...
Fate d
hey Juliette -
I'm newly single so I do know what you mean - I gave up xAP and STBX at the same time - and the loneliness is a killer, especially over the weekends...
I've taken to reinvesting my time into things I used to love doing, and learning some new ones - I do a lot of reading and I try to get out of my house and isolation by going to friends and family's houses or to the library or park or whatever - so that I'm not confining myself to more isolation....
I also started going to some AA meetings (I haven't drunk in 20 years) because the healing process is so similiar and the reality is - through all of this, tho I remain faithful in my religion, I want to drink so bad I can hardly see straight.
I can definitely relate :) I want more than anything to have a wonderful relationship.
<<>>
It was my choice too. I didn't have a d-day, but I was lonely in my M as well. Something was always missing - mainly communication. I don't know where we'd be if XAP hadn't come along. My ex is a great guy, and like you we have a friendly relationship. But I've never once wanted him back as my H. I also knew early on in my A that I couldn't live a double life in that sense.
I'm 44, so I also know how you feel regarding being patient. I have not dated at all - I was incredibly faithful to XAP. I got some great advice from Iddy when I first started posting and that was that I really needed to focus on fixing me before I even let another person into my life. I've come a long way, and I'm finally getting to the point where I can start to think about it.
The loneliness is intense sometimes. Feel free to email me any time - especially on the weekends when the board is quiet. You replied to LLL that you are working on your relationships with friends, etc. You are doing the right thing. As hard as it is, we have to be patient. I believe there is a plan, everything happens for a reason and there are definitely great guys out there for us. We just have to get ourselves in the place where we are ready for them.
Bodhi
Sidenote for Luvin - getting prepared to download Bodhi 2.0 ha ha :)
Hello, Hello....or I could say Hola, Hola!!
That is Spanish for hello
I wrote this long post and lost it. Darn. Welcome. Here is the short version. You are not alone, I am super duper tweener, over 9 months, so they say....almost a vet....I am ambitious. Got under 3 months to go. I am single. Our CL-Iddy is single. We are here. Most of us in lurkdom or have come and gone or gone back to what I call "A living hell". I read and hear about the great H's all the time...and about the not so great ones too...the board has been a MW board for the most part as of late. But there are a group of us who post regularly, that are in btwn or single and can relate to your and your story, including me.
My story is long, sad and pathetic. I won't repost it but I will tell you that if you need me off the boards, I am available, even on those lonely weekend nights....so is Bodhi.
Please stay with us. I need some single gals around here to join Bodhi in Tweenerville, when i am off to being a vet :)
and there are others also...
Welcome
All the single ladies, all the single ladies.....our anthem...HA!!
Lol.
Oh and proud you decided to end it for GOOD. Good for you for taking your life back, let us help you figure out to do with it...if you do not already know...I am still figuring it out myself.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
I'm going to have that song stuck in my head for the rest of the night now. I also may have to dance :p
I'm single too. Never married (I'm in my late 20's), though just got out of a LTR (about 7yrs) 6mo before I met xAP.
Yes, it can be lonely. I didn't date while I was with xAP (sad, I know! But, that does seem to be the trend doesn't it?) though there is/was a lovely colleague of mine who wanted to date. I spent so much time convincing xAP that nothing was going on or would happen...and yet, he was going to bed with his W every night. Gosh I was stupid ;) But, when I look back I also know I didn't start dating the single guy because I didn't want to drag him into the mess that was my world at that time. I didn't want to do to him what xAP was doing to me (silly, that should have clued me into getting out of the A with xAP!). Yes, I look back and do feel some regret that I ever got involved with xMM and missed a chance with a good and single guy. But, I don't have a time machine and there's no 'undo' button, so no sense in dragging myself through the mud about it.
So, there are other single gals here. It does get lonely and there are nights where I sure wouldn't mind cuddling up with someone. Though, as I think a few have already mentioned - it is possible, and far worse, to feel alone while in an R. So, it isn't a 'cure all' for feeling alone. So, I am trying to take this time to work on 'me'. That, and I'm a PhD student so there are days when I think I don't have the time to start up a new relationship (or sleep properly, or eat, or... :p). Oh, and I'm going to the UK in a few days for a conference...might be good to be single while surrounded by cute British guys? ;)
----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
Walk n' Block. Total NC 08-13-10
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
Thanks single ladies!! :)
Seriously . . . it's good to see that so many women on this board are rebuilding marriages after living through A hell, but that was not my choice, so it's nice to hear from some women who are basically starting all over.
I was doing really well earlier this year . . . I had "ended" things so many times with XAP (no lie when I say 40 to 50 times, and it lasted about 2.5 years), and last spring I had really turned a corner. XAP and I were not in contact, he lives 1700 miles away so I was in no danger of seeing or running into him, and emotionally, I was doing great. I started dating a bit and I even met a guy I really liked. There wasn't much potential for a LTR there, but for someone to hang out with and just enjoy, he was great. And at that point, that's all I was looking for.
That's when my XAP got a hold of me to tell me that he'd confessed to his W that he'd been unfaithful and that he no longer wanted to be married.
He agreed to counseling with her, but moved out into his own aparment within about 2 months and was telling me, "I don't want a life without you, my marriage is definitely over, I love you, blah blah blah."
Right. Two months after that, he decided he "couldn't afford" this, and his kids needed their dad FT, and he "cared about her" enough to try again, and more blah blah blah.
So, I'm not exactly new to ending, but I'm starting the ending process all over, if that makes sense. I don't feel all that crazy withdrawal pain, but the anger and the rage . . . yikes. Sometimes it eats me up. And this time I really know that no matter WHAT his marital status is, I cannot have a healthy relationship EVER with this man. It would never be possible.
So, I guess I will work on my relationship with me for a while :) I do want a healthy LT relationship again, but I have no desire or energy to go out and "find" that, you know? He's gonna have to saddle up and ride his white horse right to my doorstep at this point cuz I'm not going out looking for him :) But the loneliness is tough.
I will definitely look for you guys off the board--especially on the weekends. Thanks so much for chiming on on this post, it's so good to know I'm not the only one!
by xxiced