4 years...and over.
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| Wed, 09-15-2010 - 4:04pm |
My story is no different than anyone else's I imagine. I am a MW involved in a PA with a MM for the last 4 years. 3 of those years were easy, fun and I guess you can say fulfilling. We were on the same page. Total cake eaters just really enjoying each other, both of us had low libido spouses and we just totally clicked and as time went on we started to lean on each other to get through things in our RL. I believe we really cared about each other and I still do.. That said, earlier this year I felt a shift... it was slipping away and I didn't know why. Things in his household were coming to a head, the long way. Fire up then settle down over and over again...which would always have an effect on our "relationship". Lately it's been more fired up than not. They started MC and many times he was ready to leave her, which terrified me. This past year has been a total roller coaster of emotions for me, (and him) more tears than I have EVER cried, and more anxiety than I care to share. My panic filled posts are all over MAS.
Well... I made it here. It actually "ended" a few weeks ago but I couldn't say that it was completely over as I knew there were more discussions (and tears) to be had. BUt as of yesterday it is final and I told him I could not be friends. I cannot sit and wait for him to solve his issues like he wanted me to. It's been a long, slow train wreck for the last few months and I saw it coming. He didn't so much. He would have continued to hold on and been miserable for as long as it took to figure out what he was going to do at home. He changed a lot on me and I could no longer handle the mood swings, the emotional dumping and never knowing who I was going to get when I saw him. Some times he was so into me, other times mopey and cool.
Not sure what I am feeling right now. We have so much history. 4 years is a long time. This last 6 months has been just the worst for me and I feel like I am barely recognizable as myself anymore. It became less affair like and more like therapist/patient. I'm just so tired. I feel like my pilot light is out. I wish I had ended this months ago, but I didn't. I allowed him take me on his ride that has no end. I literally jumped off a few weeks ago and weirdly I feel pangs of sorrow for leaving him, such a crappy friend. We have been through a lot together. Neither of us wanted to end it..but we both knew that we had to. I did it for me and I did it for him. We were both in pain. HAd a long talk yesterday, confirmed that yes we do care about each other, how we wished things were different and one last counseling session on his issues and when he ask if he could call him later I said no, that we can't talk anymore. We are at such an impasse and it's too painful for me. He said he would respect that.
So it's my second day one...while it's better than the last I still feel everything from panic to relief and back. Can't help wondering what he is doing or feeling. I suppose he feels like me. BUt I also would love to know what he will do about is M and all the other things he needs to solve. On the other hand I know it's no longer my business. Not that it ever really was.
I feel like a piece is missing already. I want to get past this. I have a lot of wonderful things going on on my life. Friends, a new career, family, kids and a husband who adores me. I don't have a lot of bad things to say about xAP. He was just a guy with the weight of the world on his shoulders. He's a bad person as much as I am. He was never mean to me, never rude. I think he is as upset as I am. Do I need to hate him to get over him? If so, I'm not sure I will get there. Can just accepting the circumstances as they are get me through?
chechi

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Chechi,
Welcome to our community and 2 days NC, although a drop in the pan, is still a new beginning, so you have much to do as well as look fwd too, but first things first.
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Yes, and I totally understand where you are coming from. My A lasted for 4.5 years and I still see him every day at work, but there was never any hate going on between the two of us. Sure, I went through my anger period, more than just a few times, but I learned it was 99.9% over what I had done to myself, and my self respect. Like you, the last 6 months or so of our A were very painful for me. I knew it was going nowhere, and if I wanted to continue to be the OW, then he would still be in, even now. He liked things just the way they were, on his terms and schedule. It finally hit me like a ton of bricks that this was not how I wanted to spend the rest of my life. Although I have been alone for the last 6 years since it ended, it is a personal choice not to want to get involved with anyone again. I've been M twice, have three grown children, and now 3 beautiful grandchildren. My life is as full as I need it to be....and of course overseeing this board...well, that's a job in itself. I also work full time and have many outside interests.
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I ended it for the both of us too. I was disgusted with myself
~Iddy~
Hi Chechi
I remember you from MAS. Im so pleased you have decided to end your pain. It is so very hard and I am only new at this too. I cant hate him, although
Hi,
Sorry to interupt this thread but I wtd to say how much that statment you made stuck a cord with me
We are not bad people... we made a bad choice
Hello Chechi,
Welcome from me, I dont post that often but I do read almost daily and I have to say to you..... you will be fine.
The ladies on here are lovely and will be a great help to you as you start this journey. Its a long road but one thats on the right path.
I wish you well, focus on what you have and lean on those who love you to
Hi Chechi, welcome to EAS.
Garfy
NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...
Fate d
"I cannot sit and wait for him to solve his issues like he wanted me to. It's been a long, slow train wreck for the last few months and I saw it coming. He didn't so much. He would have continued to hold on and been miserable for as long as it took to figure out what he was going to do at home."
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I started to cry reading this chechi - it brought back so much hurt and pain that I experienced when he asked me to give him more to figure it all out. Even though he had had a planned Dday to leave her, then got cold feet AFTER apartment hunting ... and I said NO way can I go through any more crazy, he begged me to keep trying to figure out how to stay in each other's lives. He was trying to convince his W that it was possible. It was the lowest of the low as I realized he would just keep this madness going forever, he would risk his family, and we had already destroyed mine. Like you, I ended it all just as much for him (or his wife and children) as I did for myself. That doesn't make me better than him, but it did make me stronger and able to see past my own nose to the hurt and suffering my actions were causing so many other innocent people. I would never ever step foot in his life again so that his W would never ever be haunted by wondering if he would leave her (again) for me.
My ending was a process too - but when I was done, I was DONE. I couldn't face myself any longer, and there was no more denying it - I had become someone I didn't recognize, and someone I would never want to know.
Here, here is where healing happens. Here is where we take inventory of the damage we have done to ourselves, and we take accountability for our healing process. We work to focus on ourselves and our real life, and not on the feelings/thoughts/behaviours of our xAP. Their journey will now be without us - and this is for the better. There is no other way.
((hugs))
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Thanks all for the welcome. Actually feeling ok today although I do catch myself thinking too much about him and how things ended...going over our last conversations. I'm wondering what's going on. If he misses me too. How's things in his M? What's going to happen?
Been following you here too Iggy for the last two weeks or so. I think we were in the same boat for sure. So many things I don't miss about *him* per sey, (although I don't think he's a bad guy) he had so much crap going on in his life! Always with the drama!!!!
But I do miss having a reason to shave my legs!! LOL!!
Chechi
Hi Chechi, welcome :)
But I do miss having a reason to shave my legs!! LOL!!
i was just thinking yesterday...my nails have finally grown long enough to get back to the nail varnish !!
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
...I'm wondering what's going on. If he misses me too. How's things in his M? What's going to happen....?
I think you should
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