he's having surgery this wknd...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
he's having surgery this wknd...
5
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 8:33pm

hey guys,

i'm posting because im really feeling the desire to contact AP and wish him the best for a medical procedure he's having this weekend. he's had really bad knees for a while, and he's essentially having something similar to repairing an ACL. it's a simple surgery, but he'll be laid up for a while. im feeling kinda bad for him, cos he's just recently moved out of his house with his W and child, and he's now just living totally alone. i know after the surgery its a projected 3-6 month recovery process, and in the beginning he's going to need help just to get up and go to the bathroom and shower and stuff. i'm wondering if he has anybody to help him (i expect his mom will be there, but i imagine its also embarrassing to feel like you're 36 and all you got is your mommy). mind you, i'm not feeling pity, its more just like, human to human, i feel empathy. it sucks to be sick, it sucks to have surgery, it sucks to not be able to take yourself to the bathroom. of course its temporary and he's giong to be fine, but i just imagine him by himself, and well...okay, maybe its a little bit of pity.

as far as losing his friends and family--well, he made his own choices there. he was unfaithful to his wife before he met me, continued being unfaithful with me, basically stopped spending time with most of his friends. then when his W found out, she steamrolled him amongst all of their mutual friends and told them all he was a total a$$hole (which to be fair, he was, and i cant blame her). but anyway, so his friends largely turned on him as well (which is too bad, but hey, thems the breaks). his parents are disappointed sick, but still love him. but in many ways, he's pretty damn alone. and me...well...i stopped talking to him, moved to a new town, started a different job, and am essentially re-starting my life with my H. my marriage has suffered, certainly, and my self esteem and sense of self are of course completely mangled, but overall...well...things are looking a lot better for me than for him.

anyway, i started this post because i really wanted to be reminded that its not going to do me any good to reach out to him, even though this is an extreme situation. but as im posting, im realizing that not only is it not going to do me any good, but it will probably harm us both. he's lost too much, and he cant keep clinging to me. i have so much to lose, and i need to let go.

so uh..yeah...thanks for reading :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 10:35pm

Hey Exi,

i started responding to your post because i really wanted to remind you that its not going to do you ANY good to reach out to him, even though this is an extreme situation. As you were posting, I'm sure you were realizing that not only is it not going to do YOU any good, but it will most certainly HARM YOU BOTH. HE's lost too much, and HE can't keep clinging to you,

YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LOSE - , YOU NEED TO LET GO!

You have your answer Exi - you did all along (-:

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 11:35pm
TU-thank you for responding. i guess i talked myself out of it. the knee surgery thing maybe is just an excuse for me to break contact. i hate looking at it that way though. i'd like to believe i've got more genuine care for him than that. its something i've really been struggling with lately actually, is coming to terms with what kind of person i am. but i guess thast for a different post! uggghh
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Thu, 09-16-2010 - 4:48am

Hi Exi



Sometimes, reading your posts,

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Thu, 09-16-2010 - 9:47am

Exi, I know it is so hard not to contact xAP even WITHOUT the surgery.

Garfy


NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...


Fate d

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Thu, 09-16-2010 - 1:07pm

NC et al,

thank you so much for your kind responses. the surgery is unfortunate, his loneliness is particularly sad, but as we all know...this is the fallout from an affair.

NC, it is very heartening to read that you can relate to my posts. i love your posts, and also think you are hilarious. this board has been an excellent support system. we shall indeed, keep growing together :)