Just wondering..not to mention hurt.
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Just wondering..not to mention hurt.
| Fri, 09-17-2010 - 6:26pm |
hello ladies...
Im an ex-poster on EAS,and now an infrequent lurker. I dont know what prompted me to post today,but I think I need help,Im in such a place in my life that there's no A now,not have been for 2 yrs,yet the residues of the damage done is still inside,I could write pages and oages of "my story" fooling myself thinking Im so unique,but Im now at a place to see that ALL our stories are simply one (maybe the packaging is different yet the contents are same-deciet,selfishness,letting go of your own

Wonder,
First of all - welcome back. Great big HUGS to you - I can feel the pain and anguish in your post and I wanted to tell you - you are right - I too thought my situation so unique, and when I finally got the balls to end it, came here and realized too that we all have the same story, different contents.
A couple of questions - are you married? Kids?
I think from what I've learned on here, there are a few key things about healing. If you haven't been through any kind of therapy or counseling, you might consider it. I too was beating myself up - because surely "I" was the issue - but the reality is - It wasn't me. T was a huge godsend for me, my T helped me to work out my own responsibility to and in behalf of the A. It is letting me fix the broken parts of me that I tried to fill by having the A.
""I just need to clarify that I've been out of the affair for more than 2 years tried the "friends" thing since then,being the best support system to him anyone could ever have. and finally went NC for the past 4 months,NOT MISSING HIM FOR A SINGLE DAY!""
This is to YOUR credit - realize that if you aren't missing him, then it doesn't matter the why or what of whatever he is saying now.
""I experienced that day when I JUST HAD ENOUGH,and strangelt enough I truly truly dont miss him. But I do still have the question,if he's a bastar#! who uses women in general,then Y ddnt he treat the next AP the same as me? why amd I now being referred to as the "Dirty past" and her as the "true love" who he lost cos of the "sin of associating with me". so then was the problem solely with me?""
Here's where reality kicks in - part of ending it means it doesn't matter - if you truly have had enough, you have to love yourself enough to just leave it where it is - the truth is that you were probably NOT the first A he had.... think of how you felt at the beginning - so special, true love, so right - sounds like this new AP of his is in that foggy honeymoon phase along with him - but THIS DOES NOT MATTER TO YOU - IT SHOULD NOT MATTER.
Going NC - means No New Consequences of hurt, shame, fog
Give it up to whatever higher power you believe in - and chant with me - I am a good person. I have many abilities and talents. I am worth more than Just a Man (JAM) that fogs reality and uses smoke and mirrors and lies and deceit and manipulation. I love myself more and will not allow myself to be used in such a way again. I am worth more.
Hi Wondering
I am so sorry to hear that you are doing so well- but you are worrying about why this man is referring to you badly, or thinks of you badly.
I dont know the story at all but it sounds like this man may have some serious issues, have you considered that he may have a degree of personality disorder as well? They often make people reflect on things in bizarre ways that keeps them as the 'victim', or the 'innocent' person, while external forces drove them to act badly.
But the reality is that it doesnt matter what he thinks. You have made a fantastically strong decision, your body, heart and soul are thanking you- they dont even miss him, yet your ego wants to know 'hang on- I treated this guy like a Prince- and he thinks what?????'.
You have to Let It Go. The Let It Go post in the healing library has been a strong one for me. I hope you find just that ounce more strength to realise this guy is a total tool! You cannot make a pig sing!!
Love to you
Iggyx
Thank you so much ladies for your responses...I know I have been rude not to reply asap.But Im kind of an emotional mess at the moment,torn between here and there.
I sometimes dont even want to post here of reply to your supportive posts,which is pretty rude and selfish when you guys are always so thoughtful.But well..here's the thing,Im now even afraid of getting addicted to this board as well.I argued many times with myself about sharing my story here again and getting the support of you ladies as I did the frist time around.And decided against it and I think that my situation cannot be explained without even an outline of what happened to me.
So Im going to post it here yet try my best to make it very brief.
to your questions..yes IM married to a wonderful DH and and mom to an adorable little toddler who makes me thankful for every waking moment.
Yet sometimes just seeing them in the eye is a challenge as I feel so inferior to them,so not deserving of their devotion when I have betrayed my DH (baby came after ending the A) and also falling into such a low position in front of a man who is not worth the dust on their feet. I have accepted that shame as part of my punishment,as I haven't had a d-day and hope to god I wont, not for my sake but for my DH's.he doesn't deserve to go thru a moment's pain just so I can clear my concience.
I have been here reading and reading and was a very active poster the first time,even advising others,but I felt I was dwelling too much in the drama of the after math of the affair as well,that's why I left,then I got caught up in the darn "friend" act and dug my own grave again.you will see all this in my story.
I just feel sooo slighted,yes girls you're right...its just my ego...but at the same time,I feel that I deserve more,and want to know why he treated only ME like this :(
if he treated her like this too I would understand,but its just me,,and Im scared that if so then the fault must be with ME only as well :(
wondering,
THe best part of this board, is we don't care how many times a person comes back - we're just glad you found YOUR way back. It sounds like you need this board and so for now, be addicted, lean on us, have us help support you until you are ready to take those steps out into the world again at full strength. It may take years - it may take months, but either way, you are among friends who have all been there. There is no judgement from any of us -
Thank you Amber and gals
all you guys are right,its just that sometimes the anger and hurt get the best of me,but for goodness sake,I'm just soooo thankful that its not the flashbacks and memories which are giving me trouble this time. That withdrawal period was way worse! you all can identify so easily with that I know.
Now