New here - ended my A...need support!

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
New here - ended my A...need support!
5
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 10:11pm

Hello,
I posted here back in June of this year, thinking that I would be done with my ongoing 1-year long A. I unfortunately got sucked back in. We (XAP and I) are co-workers, which, as those of you who have BTDT, know is incredibly tough.
My XAP never once told me that he loved me. Never once told me I was beautiful. He was good in bed, and that was that. Looking back, I really don't think we had even
had a good friendship for the past 7 months. He would even admit to me that he was using me. And I somehow (sickly enough) stayed!! I knew that deep down inside I could never really trust him. We always used protection, and he told me he had only been with two other women, both one night stands. But get this - he is 46, and has had no real relationship with a woman! Red flags should have (and now are) going off like firecrackers in my head. This man has no experience or capacity for real love. Women are sex to him. And so now, in my numbness and disbelief that I actually let this man violate me, I wonder what it was that kept me going back to him? Did I just feel so sorry for him? Well, I need to read the book "Why Good People Have Affairs". Because the struggle for me now is going back and forth between thinking I am a bad, horrible person and then trying to think of myself as "good". It sucks.
Ridding myself of this man is the best thing I could ever do for ME. My DH has no idea I had this A (my very first A ever...DH was my highschool sweetheart and we were "firsts" for each other, so I did not ever sleep around)...what I am wondering is this - and I would love any advice - if DH isn't even suspicious, and I ended this thing for good, do I have to confess it to him? The author of "Why Good People Have Affairs" says confessing an A causes more harm and just brings so much hurt. I messed up. I am moving forward, and my marriage can be better for it! Maybe my A was the "mid-life crisis A"...I don't know.
Another question for you all...I am going NC all the way...cutting my addiction off cold turkey - BUT- I will be tempted and will NEED your support. The kicker to this whole break-off was a discussion that XAP and I had regarding some emails he had received. I was at his apt once and he wasn't home...I thought I was checking my email on his computer, but they were his. I found some emails from some "XXX" dating site, so I called him on it. Just asked him point blank if he was having sex with anyone else. And that if he was, I wanted no part of this. He was pissed off at me for snooping around and I told him that I have to protect myself. That's it. Let him have his kinky sex with whoever...I am gone.
It hurts, but more than anything, I have a heavy heart for ever getting myself messed up in this.

Thanks for reading and for any advice/encouragement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Sat, 09-18-2010 - 5:08am

Hey Heart xxx



I remember you from MAS. Yep this guy reeks loser and I can smell him all the way over here! He is a liar and clearly using you for sex.



You are

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 09-18-2010 - 6:45am

Welcome again to the board, HO6. It definitely sounds like you have reached your "Enough is Enough" point of no return. I believe you've always known that this was a dead end street, so this is when you pick up your toys and go home. It doesn't matter what kind of shady character your AP is/was, all that matters now is you. You will need to work on your healing and getting your mind/heart in a better place.

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Sat, 09-18-2010 - 7:48am

Hi there

I remember you from over at MAS too :-)

Glad you made it here and a warm and comforting welcome.

I'm on day 3 of ending and a newbie here but already feel its about the safest ground I am ever going to find to land on, while I drag myself out of this wreckage.

I certainly found more warmth and genuine compassion here than I did within the EA during the last awful few months.

Glad you're here and hope the healing starts soon.

Bird

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Sat, 09-18-2010 - 2:38pm

I am so happy to finally have made it to this point of no return in this dead-end road of an A...I have started to read things at the Healing Library, and find amazingly encouraging things! Of course, the tears have been coming...I feel that I really need a good cry one of these days. No tears shed for him (that loser), just tears of regret, remorse and of course the tears of JOY that I finally have made it to the other side of this self-degrading and self-defeating false relationship.
Day 2 of (official) NC...I have seen him at work and have been reading the rules of LC at work. I have a plan, and should be able to avoid any contact with him while I am there. Anyway, weekends for us had always been pretty much NC, so it is during the week that I will need the most help and encouragement from all of you out there in the "no fog" zone. I have to say, though, that my "fog" has almost completely disappeared. I will have weak moments, however, and being aware of that will also help me through the steps to healing. I so desire the healing. I am going to work on "me".

Thanks again everyone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 09-19-2010 - 8:39am

Hi Ho6-

<<<>>

Plans are good :) It will be hard tomorrow, so psych yourself up and keep those plans out where you can see them.

<<>>>

You will have many weak moments and the fog will creep in and out, but what you do during those moments is key. We'll be there for you :)

Bodhi