the replacement, aka methadone for As

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
the replacement, aka methadone for As
8
Sat, 09-18-2010 - 11:06pm

hi guys,

i noticed a thread on "After the Affair" about that topic, so i thought i'd start one here and see what you guys thought. a poster there brought up the idea that although the A ultimately brought us misery and destruction, hence we decided to end it, do you think you'll miss the emotional highs and the excitement of the A? and if so, what is the replacement?

i'm posting this as a debate question, i'm not in any way suggesting that A's are good things, i'm merely acknowledging that we do experience some type of emotional high from them, or else we would not have done it.

my first response would be, well, you get yoruself to a place where you're psychologically grounded enough that you dont crave those emotional highs. myself, i'm a sensation seeker. i worry that no matter how grounded i am, i'll always crave excitement, and that is what A provided me.

so then, we need to find healthy ways to experience that excitement, right? but can anything take the place of the high that just comes from being naughty? i dont know, i'm curious what you guys think.

is there a methadone for As?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Sun, 09-19-2010 - 12:49am

Exi
Great question - I don't know that you have to be grounded - I think the idea of finding replacements actually helps with maintaining NC. I think for most people, the want to have that high is what kept us IN the A - I mean if it sucked - or brought us down full-time, none of us would pursue them right?

I think part of the high is a acknowledgement (be it real or not) and a validation that someone in the universe thinks us beautiful, worthy, important, smart, able, sexy, loving, desirable - and for me the replacement had to be something that filled the need to be validated in those same ways - in T we talked about this.... My replacement was excercise and weight loss (which I'm still on). I'm not a great runner, but have learned that the sounds of my sneakers on pavement has a cathartic rhythm that when it is done - gives me an adrenaline kick - not to mention that I gave myself a new ipod - which I adore - and that bad boy is FULL of uplifting music that helps me remember that I am woman!

I can change the physical - but the emotional high, that's different. This is why I am in T. I know I am a strong woman - and one who tries to maintain a positive, eternal outlook on things - asking "will this matter in 5 years?" but the immediate need for reassurance, the intensely urgent need to have those emo tanks filled by others - that is something I struggle with. and I am learning to fill them for myself. It's a slow process.

I don't actually know if you can fully rid yourself of wanting the emotional highs - but realizing there ARE alternatives to foggy dreams and wishes - there is the same intense joy in REAL LIFE - and following a plan to pursue those - well I think that is just what we all want....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sun, 09-19-2010 - 2:30am

"I don't actually know if you can fully rid yourself of wanting the emotional highs - but realizing there ARE alternatives to foggy dreams and wishes - there is the same intense joy in REAL LIFE - and following a plan to pursue those - well I think that is just what we all want...."



That is a very hopeful sentiment, Lolly, and beautifully put.



I think this is a great question and I am curious to hear if

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Sun, 09-19-2010 - 7:48am

Yes this is a great question! I think there is a definate link between people with an addictive strain and affairs. I mean there must be, otherwise why would we continue with somerthng that is harmful to ourselves, our lives and our loved ones.



My personal approach for this- and yes its yet another topic I have delved into-is to try and fll this well myself.



I am trying meditation, increased exercise, losing weight, more time with friends and family, and daily affirmations.



This well MUST be filled internally. External validation only leads to crap. The external validation will always wax and wane, or end, or something.



Here's to filling our wells :)



Iggyxx

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Sun, 09-19-2010 - 8:40am
A replacement for the A...I think that in my situation, AP came into my life (my real life first) and I was just enamored by the fact that another guy was paying attention to me. I only have had my DH, he was my first kiss, first (and only) bed partner - in fact, we were both virgins when we got married! I had never before been rebellious...so I honestly think that my A was a way of surprising myself into rebellion when deep down, I really didn't want to go as far into the A as I did. It shocked and disgusted me, but once I was in, I was hooked on the highs. As far as my AP, he knew he had me because I was stupid enough to tell him that my H didn't have much affection in our R lately...and so he got prideful and thought he was "all that" and better than my H in bed. I also had a little of "I feel sorry for him" and "can't leave him" syndrome going on, too. Once AP and I no longer had any worthwhile friendship left, I started to really see this man for who he was and what he was really doing to me. AP preyed on me when I was weak...he knew I would always be the one to cave and text or email him...no longer will I be the prey. My H and I are spending alot more time together (we both have Fridays off now) and we are planning a getaway in November. He has been a ton more affectionate to me lately, too - I used to worry that he was figuring out something about the A, but I do not think that he knows anything at all. And I am very careful where I do my crying...not letting him see that I am upset. I exercise, too...running is something I am doing a TON more of now. It helps me clear my head and get out of that lingering little bit of fog that is left. It's almost GONE!! I will just keep coming here for a little extra reassurance from you all. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 09-19-2010 - 10:44am

Iggy,



<>



This *is* the solution, and you are absolutely correct.



<family, and daily affirmations.>>



Absolutely. Any positive goal setting is what is needed after the emotional destruction we caused ourselves during the A.



<>



You are correct again. We are solely responsible for filling that well. This is where true happiness is created. It has to come from within.



Great post.



   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Sun, 09-19-2010 - 11:37am

excellent responses everybody! i'm so glad this topic has gotten so much attention.

iggy, i agree with you. we cannot expect another person to fulfill our emotional needs. although we can count on others in our lives to be there for us and provide support, our sense of self and our self respect comes from within. it shouldn't be dependent on external validation.

i think finding positive things to replace the time and energy we put into the As is an excellent way to reconnect with the world and to assist in maintaining NC. during my A, i de-prioritized everything except AP. my hobbies and interests fell to the wayside. certainly i did a poor job of staying in touch with friends. never mind my career!

so part of my post A recovery involves re-engaging with all of that. spending time with people, reading, writing, doing things i like. i'm somebody who does well with structure, so i'm taking a dance class one night of the week, volunteering one night/week, etc. i've also really amped up my gym routine, which feels great. my goal is to be at a place where i enjoy life again, because part of the desperation that drove me into the A was this feeling that absolutely nothing was bringing me joy and that i was completely alone. i dont want to ever be in that mental state again.

at the same time, as another poster commented, part of what made the A so hard to give up is the fact that there is something so exhilarating about being made to feel sexy, beautiful, and wanted all the time. the emotional highs that come from the A are perhaps exaggerated because our baseline mood during the A is so low. at the same time, if we are the type of people that, forgive the crudeness, "get off" on being made to feel sexy and wanted, what will it take for that feeling to go away? i dont know, i mean i feel like as much as i may be comfortable with myself, as much as i may have a full life, it would still feel good to get that extra juice-up...

perhaps its a matter of consequential thinking--knowing that the ego boost is like a deal with the devil, very glossy on the outside but full of pain in the end. what do you guys think? do you think this desire to have our egos massaged will decline as we shore up our self esteem?

:)
exi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2009
Sun, 09-19-2010 - 1:10pm

It will if it's true self esteem. True self esteem can only come from within. It isn't dependent on external circumstances. If you have a strong sense of self you can't be built up or brought down by the externals. You can be proud of accomplishments and experience failures but your sense of self and belief of who you really are remain intact. You feel like a complete and whole person without the need for someone or something outside of you to fill that sense of lack.

False self esteem is like building a house on a shaky foundation. It will collapse eventually one way or another.

Lilly

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 2:02am

...which begs the question as to what is true self esteem vs false self esteem, and how will you know it?

anybody who met me pre-A would have described me as very confident. i'm extroverted and charismatic, and although i certainly had vulnerabilities, i dont think anybody would have pinned by as somebody with "low self esteem". i certainly would not have defined myself that way. yet the few months prior to getting in the A, my self esteem plummeted like the economy!

so the question is--was my pre-A self esteem on shaky grounds to begin with, or is it that A self esteem is false?

this is all an intellectual exercise mind you, i'm just curious about everybody's thoughts in general or about their own personal experience.