'fessing up to missing him...venting

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
'fessing up to missing him...venting
3
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 2:29am

hi guys,

just needed to vent. it's 2:15 am here in the big apple and i can't sleep a wink. H is out of town for a few days, i've been fighting a monster cold the past couple days and here i am, wide awake at 2 am, missing xAP.

my mind is a stew on low simmer, lots of little things are bubbling up, but it's late and i'm keeping it from reaching a full on boil.so i came here to vent.

i miss my H. he's away for a week. i miss snuggling up to him and watchin Mad Men, which i did alone tonight (did you guys watch? awesome episode as always! although i really watch it differently know that i've had an A). its quiet in the house, i'm bored, and i'm lonely.

i'm still learning how to enjoy my own company. pre-A, i cherished my alone time, since it was rare. i'm an extrovert, and prefer the company of others, but have always enjoyed having nights to myself with a bad movie and a meal. during and since the A, i've had a lot of trouble being alone. i dont like myself enough to put up with my own company, and my thoughts begin to fester like sores. and where do they go? they go to ex AP....

i miss him. i miss his laugh and his awesome sense of humor. no, i dont want to break NC. no, i dont miss the A. but i'm feeling lonely, and i'm thinking of him. i miss H, but i know he's coming back. AP is gone forever. i'm thinking about how he's feeling after just having knee surgery. i'm picturing him broken, waking up in the hospital, po'ed that he can't have his AM cigarette OR his am run (ironically, AP was a heavy smoker, amazing runner). i suppose i'm just getting nostalgic.

but i care about him. i dont know if ending means we're supposed to despise our APs for breaking our spirits, but i dont blame him. my spirit was broken, and he was my escape. if you've followed my recent posts you know how much i'm struggling with the guilt of moving forward and rebuilding while feeling 1)that he's left with very little and 2) that i don't deserve to rebuild. i've been repeatedly told by all of you guys that i can't take on AP's burdens, and that i need to focus on improving my sense of self and my M.

and i'm trying. i genuinely am. but when i roll over and the eerie glow of my 10 dollar radio shack alarm reminds me that i've only got 4 more hours before i have to be up, the gears start running even faster and reason and good sense fly out the window.

and when reason and good sense fly out the window...thoughts of xAP return. missing his touch, his smell, his raspy voice, all of his beautiful tattoos (i like ink :) )...and i remind myself that i'm romanticizing and it wont help me, but...ugh. its so hard....and then the fear that i'm just "the kind of person" who has As. am i cut out for monogamy? am i cut out for marriage? the self doubt snowballs, and i'm sitting there getting so damn metaphysical its making me sick. am i here? are any of us here? what does it mean to be "here"? ARGH. now my moniker might make a little more sense, i really entrap myself in philosophical mazes.

thanks for reading kids. i really just wanted to vent, get these thoughts off my chest. dont even expect a response, but if you have one, cool, cos it always makes me happy when people post to my threads.

the verdict is, take an advil, and hop back under the covers, take deep breaths and remember that tomorrow is another day....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 4:01am

Hi Exi



Vent all you need to my friend. I think many people have the same things sweepover them.



As much as I want to- I cant bring myself to hate xAP. I feel like we would still be going if I hadnt ended it, but he seemed to accept it all so easily, and Im the one who is pining for him. God some days I miss him soooo much.



But I wrote a list of what I didnt like, and I find that when I romanticise him- I read that and get some home truths again.



Its certainly a hard road though...



Iggy xxx



You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 11:58am
iggy-thanks for the empathy :) i also have lists of thinsg about him and the A that made me miserable. i constantly have to remind myself of the pain of being in the A, and know that if i break NC, that pain will return. maybe not in full force, but it will return. its just not possible, at least not right now, for AP and i to have any kind of relationship.