All affairs are similar...
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| Mon, 09-20-2010 - 6:29am |
Hi EAS girls (and guys)
Someone said in another post that we are all basically in the same affair. I think this is very true and thought Id throw this open for discussion.
Some commonalities for your consideration.....(taken from my ooooodles of reading lately and my many reflections on my own xAP)...
1. Something missing in your life ... Firstly we all had something missing. We (and the xAP) all have criteria that we want the 'ideal partner' to meet. This is largely subliminal and possibly harks back to our most primal needs- but things like 'he takes care of me', 'he shows interest in me', 'he is sexual and makes my heart skip a beat'... etc. If you are married, you may find that your H does (or at least used to) meet these criteria, but now maybe they arent as obvious.

I would add a point for us A type personalities. Fear of failure. I have never failed in my life, so the question is, why can't I MAKE this work. When we see the clear handwriting on the wall that it isn't going to work we start trying to minimize the damage and change the results to come out the best that they can, for ourselves.(selfishness)
Even my current marriage is a failure by storybook standards, but I keep working on it, making the best of what is left. Only after giving up, on my AP, on that craziness that consumed me for so long, did I break it off.
My marriage may not be great, but it is better than the alternative. No one in my life.
My opinion, We are selfish people who are only thinking about ourselves. I still am that way. Every time I think of my old AP person, I am thinking of me, and me feeling what I think would be good.
I do realize that I am only fooling myself for a short period of time, and then reality sets in.
The question should be: How do we keep reality in our mind, ALL the time?
We only miss what could have been.
We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.
<The question should be: How do we keep reality in our mind, ALL the time? >>
Good points. I'd like to see others views on this as well.
Ratherbeme - I think it's human nature to be selfish in some ways. I guess in a way, thinking of our old ex AP, is selfish and self centered. But I also think you almost have to in order to move on. I don't mean concentrating on just xAP as a person, but thinking of the affair and our own roles in it, is healing. We just have to. But we have to realize and accept we live in the here and now, not the time spent in the affair. We can't move on if we spend time wallowing in the memories, good or bad. Time and acceptance can go a long way in living in reality.
I do understand (I think) what you mean by every time you think of xAP, you are thinking of yourself. It's hard of course to not think of xAP when thinking about the affair, but it's how we think about it that matters. I still think about my xAP. I still get angry about the whole mess. And at times, I'd say my thoughts are more of just him, the person, than the affair and my part of it. So by realizing that, I know I am not completely healed. But I don't beat myself up because I think of him and the affair. I'd be a bloody mess if that was the case, ha ha. I just let the thoughts in and some I linger on and some not. Selfish? I guess if those thoughts keep me from participating in my real life and I'm sure that happens. Natural? Yeah, until I get him outta my thoughts for good. I know that at some point down the road I will reach complete and utter indifference. Until I get there, I accept this comes with the territory of playing with fire.
I laughed when I read your post, not because it's funny, but more of a sad laugh.
When I think about AP and good times, I stroke my own ego. Its that instant gratification thing.
When I think about the bad stuff, I am unable to fathom what was I thinking? I must have been out of my mind.
Selfish equals the good times and gratification.
Reality equals the not so good times and the times I was depressed.
Throw in a little lust into the mixture and I was beyond help at any of the time.
We only miss what could have been.
We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.
Look at it like this - you see this now. You can see the way the affair made you feel, the "feel goods" that gave you that affair high. And you also realize WTH was I thinking ! In my book, that's progress.
It's a struggle and most likely this will be one of the hardest in your life. But try to focus on just you, not the affair and not xAP.
Keep your own power and strength focused on you.
Agreed with EVERYTHING!! GREAT POST!
I was surprised to read when I first got to EAS that we all found our "soul mates" being our XAP! Not so special after all. LOL!