Roll Call and Updates

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Roll Call and Updates
35
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 7:14am

Dear Enders,



It's been a while since there has been a thread on whose who and what's what. ;-) I thought it was time to reintroduce ourselves and let the other posters know a little more about you. I'll go first:



I started posting here on EAS in 2004 shortly after I had officially ended my A for the 3rd and last time. I had started out on the Allsides Board and slowly worked my way over here, once I had acquired the knowledge, strength, and desire to want to help other OWs

   ~Iddy~ 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 9:15am

My EAS name is Bodhi - chosen because it means "enlightenment". And that is what I was searching for when I came to EAS. I was in my A for 7.5 years. We met the end of 2002 - both of us were married. By March 2003 I was hooked big time. I asked my H to leave the following spring and by summer of 2004 I was single. XAP stayed married. I've lived (using that term loosely!) for 7.5 year with every RL reason you can imagine. Fast forward to this past June. He announced he was going on vacation with W and one of his grown daughters. It was the final nail I needed for the coffin. I started posting here while he was gone. I tried to disappear, but after numerous mean, scary voice mails I had to finally say the words, do not contact me.

That was June 27. So folks, do you know what that means?? This Friday I get winged :) :) :) :)

I've been single for 6 years, the entire time eating crumbs and acting married to a married man. I still struggle every day - varying degrees. I don't know what I would have done without EAS and all of you. I'm working on myself now and helping others find their path a little bit. That is time MUCH better spent than worrying about a man that never worried about me. :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 9:56am

I came to EAS for the first time in November of last year. That was about 2 weeks after XMM had a Dday with his wife. We had been in a very deep EA and PA the whole time.



When our A strarted, he jumped in with both feet...always wanting to see me, talk to me, kiss me..it was flattering and I was hooked. I spent every spare moment with him, planning to see him or waiting to see him. Ive said it on here before but I allowed myself to become his "beck and call girl".



Things changed right away when his W found out. I didnt understand why till I came here to EAS. The strong women here told me that it was all fun and games till reality started to seep in. When his W found out all of a sudden the same man who was calling aroung pricing apartments for "us" was now hesitant to leave. He didnt want to be a weekend dad, that would just "kill" him. He also said his house would be paid off soon and he didnt want to lose that and the kicker...he was going to miss his dog. Yep ladies, the man that I devoted 18 mths of my life to didnt want to leave his M because hed miss his dog.



I did things during my A that I wish I could forget...the parking lot x rated make out sessions, the hundreds of $'s I spent on hotel rooms, the moments that I stole away from my family. Thats the one thats the hardest to get over, the moments in my kids lives that I missed. I would show up late to soccer practice, late to school functions....it was pathetic and I was pathetic.



EAS brought me back to reality.



GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 10:31am

i like threads like this!

iddy, i am glad you shared. i did not know your story actually, and its clear you've been through a lot. i am glad you're doing better now. i think if i were 10 years out of my A, that i just wouldn't want to think about it, so it is amazing that you are still willing to dig up those old feelings and be a CL here.

i first posted in EAS in late june when i was contemplating ending my A. july was my first actual attempt, and for about 5 weeks, i went back and forth with NC. i would get a few days under my belt here and there, but would respond to his fishing. we have no seen each other in person in about 6 weeks, and i have gone full NC for 2 weeks.

i am 29 years old and started my A shortly after getting married. i had never lived with H beforehand, and once we got married, i suddenly felt like i had moved in with my parents. H was very controlling; used to demand to see receipts whenever i came home to check my spending. he displayed quite a temper, and treated me like a child. i had moved away from home because he had a 1 year assignment elsewhere, and i had basically left behind job, family & friends to be with him. i felt very resentful, and even more so when i felt that he was being unkind. i became depressed, lonely and isolated. enter xAP.

i was doing a part time internship and AP was a staff member at the organization. we started spending time together--he was the first and only person to reach out to me in this new environment, and i was desperate for friendship. too many drinks one night led to hooking up, and it continued from there. A lasted about 10 months.

during the A, i became unrecognizable to myself. the gap between H and i grew. i essentially lived a 2nd life, one where i was single and could do whatever i wanted. i saw marriage as confining. with Ap, there were no responsibilities.

AP and W got separated, and suddenly AP was more like a single man. he became very needy and demanding, started making me feel guilty whenever i wasn't around. he told me he was in love with me, and i knew i didn't feel the same way, so i tried to end it.

since the ending mindset hit me, i've been doing overall pretty well. H and i are communicating so much better and he is acknowledging a lot of the ways in which he pushed me away and hurt me. i have been focusing on returning to my normal life. we moved back to new york, and being in a new context has been very helpful. posting here has been an excellent outlet, and its been valuable to meet other women who are experiencing some of the same things.

thanks for reading!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 11:08am

Well friends, my name is Lolly (as you can read in my moniker), but I used to be Lellibee.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 11:21am

I love check in threads and it's pretty timely since I was coming here to do just that.



I am Jane. Everyone calls me Jane. I have been posting here since January 2010. I ended my one-year EA on January 28, over 7 months ago. I was LC at first because we worked together, but I quit my job in April and I have been NC ever since (minus the occassional email that goes out to all artists involved with a fundraiser that I chair). The event is in Oct and that will be the official last tie between xap and I. I am M to a wonderful DH and we will celebrate our 8th anniversary on Nov 2. It has been a long a rough road to recovery, but I feel like we are finally getting to a better place. I am more hopeful than I have been in a long time. Like most here, I wish there were a pill I could take to move past all of this, but I've come to realize that this process has taught me more about myself and my husband than I could have imagined. We have to go through it to come out the other side.



Hugs,



Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 11:36am

Exie,



<>



Hopefully when I *AM* 10 years out, I will be basking under a warm sun and aqua blue skies

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 12:53pm

Hello everyone J



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 4:55pm
Hello Iddy,
I just started posting in the past few days but I have been lurking for years. My A started a lifetime ago, early 1997. I FINALLY said enough on Sept 1. The MM and I were co-workers until 2003 when I quit my job. I actually think I left that job thinking that it would end the A. It didn't, even after he moved 3 hours away a year or so later, we still kept seeing each other. He still comes to this area to hunt. Why I gave in time after time I still do not understand. He kept contacting me and I would give in and the result was always the same. He would get his jollies and out the door he would go. The past 2-3 years I just got so tired of it. He would tell me everything he thought I wanted to hear just to keep me on the hook. He never did anything he said he would beyond a visit for a couple of hours, (always told me it wasn't just for sex) then he didn't come around or contact me again until he "really wanted to see me" again. The feelings that I had for him just died. I started NC on Sept 3rd and I have no idea if he has tried to contact me(blocked him)and I do not care. Believe me when I say that the lifetime of bad memories that I have to live with are enough to keep me from ever wanting to see him again. I know I would have always been the OW had it continued and that in itself was reason enough to end it. I am not going to pat myself on the back because I have only done what was right by ending the A. I can't change any of it...but I remind myself daily that I wouldn't want anyone running around with my H if I were married. She doesn't know what I (we) did to her...but I know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 6:12pm

My name is Heartacheafter7years because that is how I felt when I joined EAS last July.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 7:56pm

Dear Iddy,

Roll call is a good idea, and thank you for sharing your story. I never knew it completely and appreciate all that you went through in your A to give us guidance and also your tenacity in wanting to be a CL.

I debated on whether or not to come back to to EAS because I feel like I failed. I haven't jumped back into the A, but I broke NC, now LC because xAP/xMM returned back to work, but my life is all upside down because of what recently happened.

Anyway, to keep on track...I had been in an A for almost two years and two Ddays with xMM's W finally spiraled me back into reality and to WTF was I doing. I admitted the first EA go around to H, but all he wanted to know if it resulted in sex and since it hadn't, he didn't want to know more. A couple of months of little contact and then back at it full force into a more intense EA and heading towards a very PA, however, fortunately sex didn't occur but it was close.

The day before my 50th bday I took my life back and said enough is enough. I posted. I read and sought lots of advice from seasoned enders off this board. I became strong. I felt I was on the right path. I even got my tweener wings and then learned xAP/xMM was coming back to work. I handled it okay the first week with a boundary speech at the end of the first week, as Iddy said, the air was fumigated. I felt good and thought work would be okay. It wasn't until the end of the 2nd week of xAP returning to work when he sought me out. He was angry and told me that my friend, Mel, needed to stay out of situation and that the A was over. He started citing examples that his W knew about it. I guess my friend and his W had been texting, calling and meeting all summer and he found out about it when the friend came into their family business when he was on an errand but returned back early.

I didn't understand at all. My best friend of six years, my confidant, whom I told everything to back in May had forged a relationship with the W. Along with my T, it was my friend that encouraged sending of the emails to the W. It was when I answered the painful questions to the W that I thought the H had come clean and admitted to the truth. That's not what happened...it was my friend who supplied the information and the W was just wanting to know if it was true.

I don't even recall the rest of the conversation with xAP because I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that my friend told the W everything. It all makes sense now when I think about it...my friend pumping me for information all summer long. There are several factors that all make sense now, as I put the pieces together in my brain.

It is now almost 5 days since that happened and have avoided xAP at all costs and even my friend. I say hi to her and that is about it. I have been busy with a new job, so have been able to hide from them both. I am trying to figure out what to do next with my job. I can't quit because its benefits for a family of six, but I'm at breaking point now. A very low time in my life.

I am hoping to get back on track and keep LC at work with xAP. This recent development may push me to tell H all about the past two years because now the W knows it all.

MovingON

MovingON

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