Bad night....triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Bad night....triggers
2
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 11:54pm

Hi, you all...hope you're having a better night than I am. Gave in and bought some alcohol to drink alone in my room, don't know exactly why...it wasn't much alcohol, though, and it tasted so disgusting I had to hold my nose to get it down. Now I'm just a little fuzzy-headed...not particularly drunk.

The thing is, I've been such a conservative person all my life that I've never even had more than a sip of alcohol before. I used to be really religious growing up, and the thought that I'm not "supposed" to drink has stuck with me even after I lost my faith. But recently I realized that, if I really don't believe in my religion anymore, there's no reason to keep up with the strict moral rules I'd set for myself.

It just makes me sad to actually break these rules, though, because it makes it really clear that I don't have my faith as a base anymore (and haven't for years). I guess I was kind of an odd kid because the church I attended wasn't actually strict or anything and never said it was wrong to drink or do a variety of other things...somehow I guess I considered myself "special" in a way and not meant to do those "worldly" things. Now I realize how wrong that was, and how arrogant...I'm no better or different than anyone else...actually much worse in many ways...

I realize how stupid it is to give in to doing self-destructive things when I'm in med school...I know there are a lot of people who would like to have my spot in school and who would do a much better job at it.

I'm sorry to keep talking about this, but this week especially it seems like everything is going to be a long, uphill battle with my major social anxiety. I've gone through cognitive-behavioral therapy focused on it, and my current counselor is doing more of that...I've practiced and tried to get more involved...but it doesn't seem to get any easier or less awkward.

And of course the depression is just as big of a problem. It hurts my heart so much to hear about people who are very ill and in pain...I feel like, even in my best times, I just can't deal with the emotional pain that it causes me...I want to help so badly, but when there's not much I can do except express my sympathy or caring (and I don't do that well at all, of course, since I'm so anxious), I feel kind of driven to self-destruction.

I know that medicine in general has a pretty high suicide rate, even for people who start off pretty stable...and the way I'm going, it seems like I might become another statistic eventually. I've talked to my counselor about the self-destructive impulses, and she did help me realize that it doesn't help anyone if I hurt myself...that nobody even knows about it or is affected by it one way or another. That's true, of course...but sometimes it just hurts so much that I can't manage to deal with it any other way.

OK, sorry to ramble and whine like this...I know I have a great life and will try to learn to appreciate it. I guess if I would just stop getting in my own way, I'd be OK. I just feel so lost...no more real moral guidance or sense or purpose, no one I can really talk with openly about all this (my mom is the one person I used to be somewhat close to...but she's busy and lives across the country and is dealing with a huge amount of stress of her own right now).

I'm not even sure if I have a question for anyone...but any advice or thoughts would be great if they come to mind. I guess I should at least realize that alcohol and junk food (ugh!) aren't going to solve anything...maybe that's a start...

Thanks so much for listening,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 11:08am

Hey Rose...


Honey!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 12:03pm

Rosa,


I can really identify with how you feel.