Hopeless after tdoc session...triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Hopeless after tdoc session...triggers
6
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 6:19pm

Hi, sorry to post here again so soon. Long story short, my therapist today told me she didn't think med school was the "best fit" for me given my trouble interacting with people...and that I've been through all the meds and had all the years of therapy, and still nothing has changed, so it's up to me...if I really think medicine is the field for me, I need to make a strong decision to do whatever it takes to improve myself.

I guess that last comment was supposed to give me a small shred of hope, but she did modify it by saying that she wasn't sure how much I thought this social insecurity is under my control or how much of it I feel strong enough to change. Of course, I've been forcing and forcing myself into social situations to try to change...if I could change it somehow, of course I would!

As you can imagine, I left feeling incredibly hopeless. Couldn't even calm down enough to look presentable for class, but since the class was required, I had to go in with a bright red nose and face and try to act normal...so I'm sure everyone knows about my depression now if they didn't before. Sorry if this doesn't belong on this board...I know social anxiety is a problem in itself...but I could really use some advice.

I wanted to ask the therapist how I'm even supposed to make it through the week feeling so desperate...but I didn't think there was anything she could do at that point, especially since the session was over.

If this was just one "crazy" therapist saying inconsiderate things, that would be one thing...but I know she is very reasonable, and she only confirmed what I'd already thought, more and more strongly recently. The therapist even said she thought my mom didn't understand the seriousness of the problem if she had sent me an email saying she's proud of me, and that I can get through this and improve.

I'm scheduled to see my pdoc on Thursday (the pdoc I used to see before I switched...long story there too)...but she wasn't able to do much before, when I was having the same kinds of problems. Since the therapist said that meds can only do so much anyway, I don't have too much hope.

Here's the possibly triggering part...sorry. Although I realize this is "black-and-white thinking," I feel like my life is not worth anything if I can't do this career and do it well. The therapist agreed with me when I said I worry that med school and medicine will be just one long uphill struggle for me...and she added that many people in the future will make even less considerate comments about my people skills.

If it weren't for my mom, I think I would give up on life. As it is, I am seriously thinking about it...well, at least trying to hold out until my pdoc appointment, and if there is still no hope of anything, maybe just giving up. I'm not even sure I can wait that long, though...I can't stop crying, and the feeling of wanting to escape this pain is very strong.

I can't let this therapist's comments send me to the hospital...and a hospital visit wouldn't change my personality and the fact that this personality is not suited to much of anything. Plus it would just make life worse and more stressful, especially for my mom, who is already stressed out. I just don't know what to do.

Thanks for listening, I hope this didn't trigger anyone,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 7:32pm

Rosa,


I would certainly never try to tell you whether or not you've made the right decision or which way to go - that's entirely up to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 9:45pm

Rose,


I have terrible problems with social anxiety, yet have worked for years dealing in high people contact positions and successfully so.

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 2:05am

I don't like your tdoc! It's almost as bad as saying snap out of it.... (IMHO). That said, it will be a lot of work if you decide to continue, but you can do it if you want to. Maybe deferring for a year would help? There are treatments for anxiety disorders and hopefully you can find something. I know how hard it is with personality traits, wondering if therapy or anything will help. I am a borderline pd. CBT is apparantly helpful in personality change (and DBT in my case). Your life is definately worthwile. *hugs* hang in there.

Amanda

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 2:24pm
Lurker here...Never let a tdoc talk you out of anything you truly, truly want and feel in your heart is right for you. I once had a tdoc try to tell me that I should dump a boyfriend because "I didn't know what I was doing and I was too immature for a relationship." Six years later...I'm married to him. They don't always know best. Do *you* think you can do it? Are *you* willing to do what it takes to cope with the social anxiety and come up with the "public persona" that you will need to do this? Then, there's your answer.
UCAUTIONIN THE INTEREST OF SAFETY IT IS ADVISABLE TO KEEP ERIN AWAY FROM FIRE AND FLAMES.
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Avatar for kdvaleski
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 5:05pm

Hi Rose. I'm sorry that you continue to struggle so much. I am VERY glad, though, that you now have a psychiatrist and a therapist.

I have to throw in my two cents, for what they're worth.

I have to say that I think your therapist was being straightforward with you, although, unfortunately, it is often painful to hear something, even if we may know it to be true. I remember posting to you MANY months ago about your difficulties with school relating to your disorder. You're obviously very bright and driven to have made it into med school at all, and on that basis I have no doubt that you can complete school and do well in medicine, if you choose. I very much agree with Marci, though, that you may wish to consider research, or at least a non-patient-contact type of specialty. As painful as I'm sure it was to hear what your therapist had to say, she's right about NEEDING people skills in medicine. If your are in clinical practice, you have to be able to work around and with people. Patients will often not be at their best when you see them, so you will need to have strong interpersonal skills to bridge the gap. If social anxiety continues to be a huge issue for you, I can see that becoming an intense struggle. Of course you can do anything you set your mind to, but you would need to "do whatever it takes" to get help with, and work on, those issues. She's likely right that people in the future will be less kind in their comments to you. The majority of people you deal with in your career will not know you are ill, and so some will undoubtedly not temper their comments.

You've struggled so much for as long as I remember you posting here, and I continue to think that hospitalization is likely a good idea for you. The goal of treatment is not to change your personality, but to help you cope with your illness and get on the road to stability. Perhaps a brief stay in the hospital would help with that. Has either of your docs even suggested that, or was the comment about the hospital stemming from your fears?

You have to be completely honest with your treaters about where you are. If you are still feeling hopeless and desperate, you need to call your therapist back and let her know.

Hugs,
Kristen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 12:06am

Thank you all very much...I have a lot to think about, and you all helped give me some direction. I want to reply individually to posts and I will tomorrow...it's been a 14-hour day, and just now I made the stupid choice to try drinking liquor for the second time, only this time it's late on a Wednesday night when I haven't had much to eat and am exhausted...it didn't even taste that bad this time...guess I need to give this up before it becomes a habit. It's going to be an early morning tomorrow!

Thanks again...I really appreciate it,

Rose

Edit: oh, Kristen, to answer your question quickly...no one has suggested hospitalization to me (I haven't had a pdoc for over a month or so, and I don't tell the counselor the details of how bad I'm feeling)...I guess I'm just anticipating what my pdoc may say if I'm honest with her. I will try my hardest to be completely honest tomorrow (fortunately, I don't think this pdoc is very big on the idea of hospitalization). I'm holding onto the last shred of hope that this pdoc will be able to help...but I've felt that way before other pdoc appointments (some with this same pdoc), and left feeling just as hopeless...




Edited 3/3/2005 12:09 am ET ET by rosa444