Can APs cheat? Mine did!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2009
Can APs cheat? Mine did!
17
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 2:22pm

Some of you may recognize my situation. I'm MW in A with SM (for nearly 5 years). As with all As its very complicated, and even more-so by his insistence that I get divorced to be with him, despite his actions as a 'secret-player.'



"One" of his girlfriends recently contacted me and revealed that they've been in a physical relationship together

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 2:28pm
My AP is S too and I am the MW.If my AP did this,I would confront him as even though its an A,he has the responsibility to let me know who else he is sleeping with! Since he is aware of my status that I am M,I too have the right to know his status and then decide about the A- to continue or not.
I am not that in EA,so it wouldnt bother me at that level at this point but who knows a few years down the line.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 2:39pm

I agree with chick.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2009
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 2:51pm

I've been going through this for a long time. Numerous women have called me over the years to question who I am because he's "their" boyfriend. Everytime he's accused them of being stalkers that wish they could be with him and he's convinced me everytime, until now.



I didn't get divorced because I suspected something fishy and now there's evidence. This sucks, but I can't help feeling that it sucks for my husband too (to not know what I'm doing).



Maybe that's the reality of affairs?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 3:34pm

In a way, that is a reality. HOWEVER, I don't think it's unrealistic for us to expect honesty and respectful treatment in an A!! The reality is that a larger percentage of people in A's (than people NOT in them) are prone to lying to get what they want, and put their own needs in front of anyone else's. But that does not mean that the majority will lie to their APs and have multiple As. It also doesn't mean that we should sit back and accept an AP who has other APs if the agreement is that we will be each other's only A.

I think I would have figured your guy out the SECOND time he said those women were stalkers that only wanted to be with him. I mean how irresistible could he be, to accrue so many stalking admirers! You are dealing with a player here, at the least, and possibly a sociopath. Trust me I have experience with being involved with a sociopath, and you want to get as far from them as possible - and as gently as possible too - without causing any anger toward you. They have a huge appetite for revenge and go by the rule - "two eyes two arms and two legs for an eye", trust me.

Proud to be a









You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull



Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2009
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 3:49pm

All your support is very comforting, considering when I first posted I got backlash from people insisting there are no rules or rights in affairs, especially with someone who's single.



This is my battle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 3:50pm
I think you have the right to know who he is sleeping with other than you for safety reasons. Beyond that, while it may hurt, I don't think you can expect him to not have another girlfriend. I think with you being married he is entitled to find a girlfriend. A's are complex situations. I think he needs to tell you so you can decide where you want to go forward, but unfortunately, I don't think you can be upset with him for finding someone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 5:22pm

"SM thinks he can treat me like a 2nd class citizen because I lie to DH. Obviously if I can lie to someone I made a public commitment to, I obviously lie to everyone else I come into contact with?"



This always pi**es me off!

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2009
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 5:49pm
He is single and has the right to date outside of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2009
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 6:01pm

I just feel like I deserve this for the unknown hurt I'm causing DH. I'm lying to DH and SM is lying to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 9:08pm

I'm also involved with a single guy and I agree with others that a single person is within their rights to find someone else. BUT this guy seems to be having numerous relationships, and telling no one about anyone else. Plus he's using excuses to treat you badly. If it wasn't that "you lie to your H so you deserve it", then he would think up some other reason. The truth is he probably gets a kick out of treating people badly (sociopathic behavior) and doesn't really need any reason.

That "circle of life" you mention - you probably mean karma. I do believe in karma. I figure I'll pay whether it's in this life or the next!

Proud to be a









You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull



Proud to be a





You've

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