What's he doing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
What's he doing?
12
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 8:36pm

I have had a lengthy period of contemplation about whether I want to continue my 5 year EA but I've not really posted much about it or the circumstances.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 8:54pm
Tough call. I think he truly is interested. I think when you don't see each other for so long your feelings drift. I went about the same amount of time not seeing AP while I was out of town for work. When I got back it was awkward at first, but now much better. If it were me, I would sit back and see how he lets things play out. And see how he does with communication and his actions. I often say actions speak louder than words. I think with him being home with the kids he may have been scared. I know when I was home with the kids there is no way I would send them to a daycare/babysitter because then I'd have to explain that to H. Maybe that was his issue? Explaining to his W? At this point I would probably lay low and see how he handles things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 9:37pm

I dunno Bird... I can kind of understand how he feels. (Funny how I always seem to be having the same perspective as everyone's AP!) My OM and I have been through so many years and changes. When I first started seeing him my life was totally different and we saw each other at least once and sometimes twice a week. This was the way it was for a few years. He's had several job changes and I had a huge life change during our time. Depending on what was going on, we could see each other twice a week or once a month - and the once a month thing went on for over a year one time because of a job change on his part, and then my life change happened and we saw each other maybe once every other month - for at least a year!!

The thing is, he knew I wasn't going anywhere. I knew (well, mostly knew, there's always that chance he'll find someone else - who could blame him!) he wasn't going anywhere. We had daily contact. I guess that's enough for me - going with the flow and seeing each other as often as we can under whatever conditions we have.

It seems, from reading, that your AP made every effort to keep in touch, even if you couldn't get together. If the getting together is important enough to you to be a "deal breaker", if he can't do it often enough, well, it is up to you to decide your own deal breakers. It sounds like it was just a fluke that might happen every now and again, and you have to decide if you can handle that. If it is a probability that it WILL happen, and it's a deal breaker, then maybe you should end it. But think about it, and think about WHY it bothered you to the point of wanting to end it. You said that you knew it was the first time he was able to see you. So what was it about the 7 weeks that bothered you? Do you think he could have tried harder, gotten to see you if he really wanted to? Was that the deal breaker part - that he didn't try hard enough?

Try to get clear in your head what it was and then let him know. "You didn't try hard enough". See if he can make sure that he knows what it was that made you feel unloved in this. Because something did.

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 9:39pm

No doubt he is still interested in continuing your EA-5 yrs! You give me inspiration Song.

I think the 7 weeks just had to do with the logistics of your vacations, new job, family stuff. He is making an effort to keep things going and has told you he wants to. When MM was on vacation last week I was disappointed I didn't hear from him. He told me he might text me. I felt he didn't care about me as much as I did about him and that our relationship wasn't a priority to him. He told me that he had a nice time off and didn't talk to anyone. He just needed the downtime. On the other hand when I was on vacation, I continued to contact him during that time every few days. He was very responsive. I felt since he wasn't contacting me on his vacation, that he didn't care as much as I did.I was nervous about his coming back and what 10 days NC would mean for us, but everything is just as it was before he left. Sometimes they just can't give us what we need, meet our expectations,but it doesn't mean they don't want to continue things or we are less important to them. Your AP was contacting you throughout his and your vacations. He made the effort, that speaks volumes. I think we have the tendency to analyze too much.We should just take things at face value. If they call they want to talk to us, they are not calling out of obligation, etc. We over think things and then the doubts creep in.

A few other thoughts & questions for you, I don't know how I could do it knowing I wanted more, which if I recall correctly, you do, but have stayed with the EA because it fulfills you on many other levels. Since I didn't set out looking for a PA, but wanted it only after the EA developed, maybe the EA would be enough for me as well. Do you two ever talk about wanting to move it forward or is it not discussed? If one of you wants more than the other, how do you make peace with that? Does it just get to the point where you accept it for what it is rather than not have anything at all between you? I guess if we're not really looking for a PA, then there is no reason to go out and find one. If mine ends up staying an EA, I am not planning to go looking for someone to have a PA with because it is about the person, not the physical part and I have a connections with the person. I wasn't actively looking for an A and I won't after this one either.

I would be happy with the effort he is making and see how the next few weeks play out. He has always managed to make it work with you before and I don't think that will change now. You have been involved too long and are so much a part of each others' lives, he won't just end it, you mean too much to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 9:53pm

I don't blame you for being confused!



Seems odd that all of a sudden, after five years together, he almost pulls a disappearing act.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 7:15am

I do think it was his fear of being caught and explaining why he needed a sitter for the kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 8:43am

I think

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 8:47am

Lexi ...thank you for giving another perspective - it is SO helpful that you have this balanced view of your A and can pass that on to the well ....less balanced! LOL



The thing that bothered me about the 7 weeks was a cocktail of things but in a nutshell the trigger was that I'd expected us to return to 'normal' after his vacation and instead he seemed to drift away with

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 9:06am

You know ...THANK you Never!!



So simply put and yet right on the nail.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 9:36am

Hi Bird..



To answer your question.. yes, I've experienced similar challenges and still do in my current A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 9:45am

Hi Jersey - Thanks for you response and I appreciated your perspective.

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