New Here.....Need Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2010
New Here.....Need Advice
7
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 11:53am
Hi all...I'm new here and I'm hoping someone can help me shed some light on my situation. I'm not in an affair yet (But I have had one in the past) I work at a fairly large company and it has a gym. There is this guy that works out there and we've become friends and started working out together. He has confided in me that he is unhappy in his marriage and bored. He just recently ended a 4 month affair with someone. He says he cares about her and has feelings for her, but his wife found out about it and now he no longer sees her. I told him about my affair and that I ended mine in the spring. We do flirt a lot and our talk has sexual undertones to it. I was feeling brave one day and told him I was attracted to him and wanted to have a FWB situation. He smiled about that and didn't say no. We've been going back and forth on instant messaging and stuff, but he hasn't done anything else. I've asked him out for coffee and to get a bite to eat. Nothing. He keeps telling me that next time he won't get caught. What gives? Is he yanking my chain or does he want to do something but is afraid? Any advice is appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 11:59am
He's probably really scared if he just had to end an A because his wife found out. He also probably still has feelings for the person he had an A with. I think your best bet at this point would be to sit back and see where he takes things. You put out there you are open to it, he knows that, if he chooses he can either pursue it or he won't. I wouldn't push for more right now. He knows the door is open, he'll walk through if he truly wants it. I think he needs time to process what just happened in his life and his feelings for XAP.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 3:56pm
I agree with Simplie. He may have just almost lost his W and marriage and he may be "weighing" whether another A is really worth it. I think all our perspectives would change if we almost lost our marriage - depending of course on whether we want to stay married. His W would have to be very perceptive and vigilant now, so it would be much harder for him to get away with it. Not to mention that if he told her he would never do something like that again, he might feel more guilty this time. Just have fun with him at the gym and forget anything else for now - if he really wants it to happen, he knows how you feel. Keep in mind that if he goes ahead and his W finds out (and finds out who you are) - she could tell your H and you might have a d-day too. Something to think about.

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You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 3:57pm
I forgot - welcome to MAS! :-)

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You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull



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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2010
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 3:58pm
You're probably right. My last affair lasted 18 mos. and we never got caught. He knows he's safe with me. I just don't know why he's waiting. Maybe he's just flirting with me and knows he won't do anything? But if that's the case, then why bother? When I'm in a corner all by myself working out, I see him checking me out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 6:27pm
He checks you out because he is a guy. It's what guys do. And it is what girls do. I specifically go to the gym late at night when all the guys in there mid 20's are there (my age) - mmmmm. Totally wrong, I know that, & I'm totally ok with that. And while there may be an attraction he may not be entirely ready to jump on it. His wife is probably all over him right now about what he is doing, he probably realizes he can't engage in anything just yet. Will he in the future? Who knows.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2010
Sun, 09-19-2010 - 9:11pm
You were all right. I asked him straight out and he said his wife is "all over him" right now and that he can't meet me any where or go any where with me or do anything (he wants to) because she calls him constantly and he doesn't want to get caught again. So I guess time will tell. Any more advice ladies (and gentlemen?)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 7:58am
There's really nothing else to advise you on. I would just enjoy the attention at the gym and leave it at that. He doesn't want another A right now. Maybe almost losing his M made him realize that it isn't worth it.

Proud to be a









You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull



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You've