Sunk to an All-Time Low
Find a Conversation
Sunk to an All-Time Low
| Fri, 09-10-2010 - 10:27pm |
After attempting to end things with AP a few weeks ago so I could work on my M, I discovered that I just couldn't do it, that I just love and miss him too much.

Pages
Another,how are you doing now?
To be honest,when you ended a few weeks ago and were feeling very positive about it,I was quite surprised.If you guys were emotionally attached,you cant just switch off and go back to being as if nothing happened.I am not glad that you are feeling down ,just that you atleast realized you still got feelings for him.
As for your AP,his guard is up,understandably.You cant be friends with so much between you two.I am sure he will come out of his shell you will reach an agreement ;)
Realistically, where will it lead? I spend so much of my energy trying to decide if I should follow my heart or my head. I believe in following my heart..BUT..when my heart is following a MM who may not be able to follow his..what do you do? All of our stories have common elements. One common element is that when in the A we tend to want more and convince ourselves we need to get out of it. If and when we do end it we immediately tell ourselves we can accept whatever the A relationship has to offer and being with him is better then being without him and we can settle for all of he lackings that come with the A. Then the cycle begins again.
The time frames may differ for all of us but what I said above is true (for most of us) and we all go through this on again/off again and trying to reason with ourselves. Eventually, we all have to get to a point where we want real solutions. Sometimes we have "solutions" forced on us and sometimes we simply cannot do the emotional ride any longer and just want peace of mind. It's funny how when involved in an affair..peace of mind becomes boring and we crave that stimulation so badly that we continue on with something we know we shouldn't be doing.
The "phase" I am in right now is wanting off of the ride. I miss the MM terribly but I keep trying to be real with myself and remind myself why it isn't enough when we are involved. I keep reminding myself that it isn't about HIM but it is about the situation that leads it to be something that isn't healthy for me. Be honest with yourself and ask yourself is the entire situation healthy for YOU? Be honest and if you can answer, yes it is healthy, then continue on. If the answer is no, it isn't healthy, then love yourself as much as you love your AP and do what is best for you. It really takes a lot of getting real and loving yourself. I just think that true love brings about REAL answers. Do what is hard to get to real solutions and not band-aid solutions that affairs provide.
I truly know how hard all of this is for you. I am trying to heal myself and I know the emotional yo/yo'ing that takes place. Eventually you will either tire out from it or you will have the strength to do something real for real change.
Another, I really think that what you want is AP. And you want him to leave his wife. Be honest - that's what you would want to be "working toward". What else would there be to "work toward"?
But AP has shown that his priority is with his W and his family. He doesn't want to be more than friends with you because he doesn't want to risk another d-day and have his wife find out. He's terrified of that! I know he told you he's not happy with his marriage, but I think he's happy enough to want to stay. He knows that having "more" with you puts his marriage at terrible risk, and he doesn't want to do it.
If you're going to try to work things out with your H, don't you think your marriage deserves a FULL effort? That's impossible with AP in the picture. You do know this underneath it all, I know you do. If your AP suddenly agrees with you after all and says, oh, OK lets just see what happens, will you still be going through a "rebuilding" with your H?
I think that would kill you. It would be too hard. I'm not sure WHAT you should do - it's up to you - but you have to start by choosing ONE of them, keeping in mind that AP may never be a full partner. I don't think you really believe that, underneath it all.
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
I agree with what Lexione is saying, and also j9stronger. I think you have to figure out what YOU want and why exactly you are having the A. It might have a lot more to do with you and your own need for healing than either your H or your AP, and if you can hone in on that and address the underlying need, you might be able to pull out of the emotional cycle j9 refers to. Then you can figure out whether you want to rebuild with H or not, and commit to a course of action either way.
IMHO, you can't truly rebuild with H and keep AP on the side, but you probably aren't willing to spend the rest of your life on the side for AP, either. But that may be the limit of what you can have with AP. From what AP is saying, he is likely not unhappy enough to leave his marriage. Men tend to stay when they're not happy - it takes a lot more for them to be willing to get out. It doesn't mean that his intentions are bad; he is probably just as confused about what to do as you are, but like you, as the CL said, underneath it all he knows what he wants, or at least what he doesn't want (discovery, shame, and the extreme and multi-faceted stress of divorce).
So maybe the better, simpler place to focus is on yourself. Leave H and AP out of it. Figure out what YOU need. Once you do that, maybe you can see a clearer path.
MASAlterego
www.nicegirllikeme.blogspot.com
MASAlterego
www.nicegirllikeme.blogspot.com
Hi,
You want more then what he wants to give you right now which really puts you both in a situation. As of now you are not getting what you want and as time goes by and you are not fulfilled with what he can give you, you will be on the rollercoaster ride of your life.
If he were to leave his W to be with you would you be willing to do the same and start a life together? If neither is willing to do any of it then its time to do some soul searching and see what's best for you.
Best of luck!
Much peace & Love,
Rayne
<
Thank you all for your continued support and advice :).
Let's see: regarding H, I think I've figured a few things out.
anotherseyes
I know your struggle to a point, I ended things because I thought that was what AP wanted but then after being able to really talk about things, it wasn't at all what he wanted or needed so things are where they are with you and yours.
Pages