Why Me? Looking for Male Comments Too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Why Me? Looking for Male Comments Too!
4
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 10:58am
I know why I am in this EA-it fulfills many things that I am missing from my marriage. Not that my H wouldn't be happy to give me those things, but I don't want them from him anymore, I haven't for years. I just pulled away from him little by little over the years and don't want to go back. I can't explain why or how it happened and we did discuss it, but we never tried very hard to fix it. WE didn't make our R a priority once the kids came along. We just accepted it as the way it was. I thought I would be okay with things with H until I met EAP. Through our friendship I realized I wanted all of those things I thought had been buried so deep, the desire for intimacy, etc was still there and now it was awoken again by EAP. I understand why am I doing this.
What I don't understand is why EAP is doing this with me? Maybe some male perspectives would be helpful here as well. From what he tells me his M is good. He has been M for 25 yrs to my 11 yrs. If his M is good, why is he engaging me? Do I fulfill something for him? Is it new and exciting? I know he feels the same way I do, because we have talked about it, but I haven't asked him "why" he is doing this. I told him that I had never considered having an A before him and he told me that it was because my H isn't treating me very well right now. He is basing that judgement on what I have shared with him about my R with H. He knows H and I have not been intimate for 4 yrs and that H doesn't want to go to MC and that he isn't interested in changing things, H is fine with the status quo. I am sure we will talk about this some day,but any insights are appreciated. I know I need this A more than EAP does, but he seems to need it too and I'm trying to understand why without doing the obvious and asking him directly which would be the most direct thing to do, but I don't feel we are at a place just yet where I can ask.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 11:44am

One reason he does it is because you allow this to happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 3:38pm
Thanks for your insightful reply. A few comments. This is an EA not a PA at this point. We both allow this to happen, both are participating in this equally although I would like it to move along where as he is more hesitant. I will not press him for a permanent relationship because I am M and I don't want to change that at this point in my life nor would I expect him too make any changes in his M. I know I am the first A for him as we have talked about it. This is the first A of any kind for both of us. He definitely does not have an open marriage. I am more just curious as to why he would even entertain the idea of an A when he is in a seemingly happy marriage by his account. I am not, so I can justify my reasons in my mind even though I know it is not the best choice to have an A.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2010
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 4:27pm
Do you fulfill something for him? Obviously , or he would not be in this with you. Saying his marriage is good doesnt necessarily mean he is happy with his sex life or his intmacy with his w. I know that for me, I can say my marraige is good also, but
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 7:46am
Ignore tellonem - he's a betrayed spouse who doesn't belong on this board.

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