TRIGS big time SU SI
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| Mon, 03-07-2005 - 12:18am |
I'm sure you're sick of hearing about my SU and SI feelings and at the point of "well then why don't you just do it" because no one thinks I will kill myself.
I was filling my pill boxes for the week and thinking about just taking 20 of them. I bet I'd live. 12 is the max daily dose for my weight, although not all at once. They probably make that lower than what will actually harm you to cover their a$$es.
I should get on the bus and go to the hospital but I won't. I never do. I can't I feel stupid.
I wish my mom had never said anything. I probably could have dealt with the things that were piling up for a little while...friends hating me, using me, coworkers bitching. But for my mom to give my brother her wedding rings that was the icing on the cake. My mom has lent him $20000 over the years, given him her van, now my dad has given him his car and my mom has given him what was supposed to be my ring. The only thing that i ever wanted of my mom's jewellery.
Even worse my mom wouldn't answer a thing I had to say about me wanting it for 5 yrs...that i was supposed to get it "someday" that my brother gets every !@#$ thing he wants and I am stuck in this pit of despair.
I'm sorry.
I don't think I can stay safe tonight.


Amanda, I'm glad I had the unusual urge to check the board at this time of night! I'm so sorry to hear about your mom and what she did...I don't understand why she would do that, and I know that must be so hard.
But Amanda, please, please go to the hospital, do whatever it takes to stay safe. I came to the board tonight because I've been having those same feelings, and I am wondering how I'm going to make it through, so I can't say I have any real answers. But you are a light in the darkness to so many people, even if you don't yet know it...your mom and her unreasonable decisions aren't worth your life!
I am praying to whomever is out there and hoping so hard that you will keep going. Please...go to the hospital, do whatever it takes. I just took a Xanax for the first time in a while to see if that will help me go to sleep...an irreversible decision like ending your life can at least wait til the morning, right?
I'm not meaning to joke about this, I hope that's not how I'm coming off. I feel like I do relate to you so much, and I know that feeling of despair...please stay safe...if you think no one in the world needs you, at least I need you to stay safe...I need your example to follow, selfish as that sounds.
Many hugs and prayers,
Rose
thanks rose. as i read your post the tears started rolling down my face again. i was just going to log off when i decided to check my favourite boards again. I really didn't expect anyone to be around. i'm glad you were.
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way too. I hope that you can sleep well tonight. You keep safe too.
I can't get to the hospital now (unless i call an ambulance and that's not going to happen...even in canada they will send you a bill for that now). a cab would be cheaper! even though it's a half hour ride.
i wish i could be there to hold you in a tight hug...we could both cry and scream, whatver. Maybe I just want that tight hug. There's no one in my 3D life to give me one.
Take care of yourself
love
Amanda
Yikes gals.
Rose and Amanda,
I love you girls so much!
Hi Morgaine and Keli. Thank you. I never get online during the day but I made a point to today. I feel so bad that I might have worried someone. I'm obviously not dead. I wasn't "good" entirely, but I'm still here.
Rose?
Same here...thank you both, and I am so sorry if I gave you reason to worry. My doctor had given me a prescription for Xanax XR to take at night (only a week's worth because she knew my mental state!), and I tried it for the first time last night...wish I'd done that earlier! It helped me get a good night's sleep and has even taken away some of that desperate feeling added to my depression today...I'm still depressed, but a good bit calmer.
I know this is only a short-term help, though, because I'd be worried about the addictive properties if I took it for too long (although my doc did give me 3 refills). And I don't know how long this relative calm will last...I should probably give up my Diet Coke habit while I'm at it, though!
Sorry again...I just felt so desperate and horrible last night...it's odd, does it mean that that agitation was "just" anxiety if the Xanax helped? I didn't feel anxious about anything...although I guess maybe I was a little panicked about how overwhelming the emotional pain was, thinking it was just too much for me to handle.
Glad you made it through too, Amanda...hope today is a little better.
Hugs, and thanks to Keli and Morgaine for your caring,
Rose
Edit: thinking about it, it's pretty amazing what a change has happened with the extended-release Xanax...to be honest, I actually feel relatively OK! I don't want to question it too much, but it makes me wonder a little if there could have been some elements of a mixed state going on with me that led to that horrible agitation...it just doesn't seem like anxiety alone (about nothing I can think of) would make me feel that way...?
Edited 3/7/2005 1:47 pm ET ET by rosa444
Good to hear from you ((((Rose))))
I'm glad the Xanax helped. As far as whether it is "just" anxiety or a mixed state or something else, I don't think it matters. What matters is that the med helped and you're here today. As long as you are using the med as prescribed and bring it up next time you see your pdoc then I think you're good.
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may be triggers
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As far as I am concerned, I have come to a realization today. I was always wondering about how my moods are related to the bipolar and borderline personality. I figured it out (I think...although every time that happens something screws up the theory). My mood has been hypomanic this week, although just barely. The outburst last night was not depression, but reactive rage...explosive outbursts are characteristic of BPD, then again rage is characteristic of bipolar is it not? I realized that since my mood doesn't usually reflect my circumstances that's the bipolar phases where the outbursts of contradicting emotion are likely the bpd. Yes i know i have reactions like everything else, but as an untreated borderline, these reactions are extreme. Black or white thinking. Hmmm... Gotta stop reading about my "disorders". Although my doc thinks it's good, as long as I don't get too caught up in it.
I have to see my doc this wed and christine thursday so this could be a tough week. I might get in trouble from both for SI. Eek! next week is a week for appointments too. And there will be a new person in the mix then too. Yike! I'm already getting stressed. I'm already stressed about this week's appointments and they are with people I know and trust pretty well.
Well, gotta go.
Love
Amanda
They have XR xanax?
(((Morgaine))) Thanks.
I need some of either of those. I have a benzo but I don't know about taking it just for anxiety. I'll have to ask my doc on Wed. He rx'ed it for sleep. Although, the reason I wasn't sleeping was because I was manic, but I guess the point is to try to sleep a little normally to keep from getting crazy manic. Nothing is stable though right now. It's so hard to tell what's me, the meds, the evolution of my MI and the circumstances in my life.
Well I'm not sure what the point of this post was, but thanks for writing me.
Amanda
Thanks so much, Morgaine...yes, this was the first time I'd heard about Xanax XR too! I'd thought it would make me sleepy during the day since most meds tend to do that, but I was really fine...it's not something I'd want to be on long-term, though, as I said.
I have actually taken Ambien for a while before, and it helped me so much with sleep...I would only need to take a tiny amount, and I would sleep really well (when my "normal" state is to be very alert at night and sleepy during the day!). But as you said, strange things can happen when you stay up after taking it...and I experienced that, mostly minor (and not too scary at the time) hallucinations...I have a funny story or two about those! I told one pdoc about that problem, though, and she took me off of it.
(I actually can't remember which pdoc I told, though...now that's a sign I've seen too many doctors! I think it might have been my current one, so I guess that means I won't be going back on it. The hallucinations didn't bother me so much, but I think my pdoc wasn't too pleased with that side effect! I was worried about addiction too, but my doctor seemed to be fine with my taking it for months or so at a time.)
Thanks again...I thought it was the sleep that was helping my mood, but now I'm not so sure. This is completely bizarre, given my desperate, sobbing, suicidal state last night (and my deep depression for what I think has been months)...but it seems like someone has flipped the happy switch!
I know when I feel like this I'd better try to keep my mouth shut because some silly, regrettable things come out, so I won't post too much more about that now. Needless to say, I'm more confused than anyone...it just makes NO sense! My pdoc raised my dose of Prozac on Thursday (but also lowered the dose of another antidepressant), so maybe it's just that kicking in. I guess I'll have to wait and see...but it doesn't quite seem "normal" to feel like I'm flying! (not literally, of course...but just loving the world and feeling almost "high")...
Oh well, I'm not complaining! :) I know this post must seem so odd after my last one...I apologize for that. I hope you are doing well...again, congrats on taking that step in getting to AA!
Hugs,
Rose