Hi I'm new

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Hi I'm new
3
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 5:12pm

Hello, I'm new to posting anything but I have been lurking here for a while. I hope everything makes sense because it is pretty jumbled up. So some history for me, everything with my AP started out with friendship, then we moved forward a bit to friends with benefits. It was great, there was no pressure just booty calls and it was lots of fun. I am married and I have no intentions of leaving my marriage. I do not have children only a super cute cat. :)

Ok, so this is where my mind is all jumbled up. We recently have had some long discussions of our futures and we both want and stuff. After all of these discussions we have both come to the conclusion, me a bit sooner than him, that we both care about each other more than just friends. He says he's hesitant to call it love and I do agree with him on that point I just don't know what other word to use that better describes the feelings I have. Anyway he told me today that he wants us to agree to not say I love you to each other in an effort to keep everything uncomplicated. I understand where he's coming from I suppose but I just don't agree. Everything is already complicated and I don't want to close the I love you door when I will probably actually feel that way sooner rather than later. I don't know how to tell him any of this without seeming needy or overbearing in any way. I would love to have him fall for me the way I seem to be falling for him but I really don't see that happening. I have tried not to care for him as much as I do but I can't seem to help it. I appreciate any and all opinions. It just feels better to get everything out there. :) Thanks






Edited 9/15/2010 12:33 pm ET by beanie3849
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 8:10pm

Welcome to MAS beanie!

A lot of guys have trouble with the emotional aspect of affairs, and actually saying out loud how you feel. The thing is, I guess, if you both are staying put and not leaving your marriages, then why bring "I love you" into it at all, whether you feel that way or not? Some guys think that if they say the words, the whole dynamic changes and then they are expected to "do something". You know, like - "OK you said you loved me and I love you now what do we do about this?"

I figure, if he says he cares, and he shows it in his actions, why does he OR you have to say "I love you"? Leave it however he likes to hear it - "I care about you". Whatever. It's just words. :-)

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You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull



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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 9:49pm

Hi Beanie..



Welcome.. mm here in an A for the last two yrs or so..



How long have you been married? How long has your A been going on? Is he M?This may help provide some perspective..



In a way, saying "I love you"s is the easy part.. the implications behind it are not.. that if indeed things are as intense/involved as "I love you"s, then, what will the future bring, should you both plan to leave your Ms and be with each other for the rest of your life? If not, should you spend the foreseeble future as forlorn lovers, never being able to be truly together?



Right now, you have your Ms (assuming he's M too), and you have each other side as FWBs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 12:03am
Hi, thank you guys so much for replying. Hearing it from someone else's point of view helps alot. I have thought about just leaving it the way it is and that is what I would like to do. The biggest thing about saying I love you is that if i do eventually feel that way I don't want to have to sensor what I say because of an agreement. Otherwise I am fine with not saying it, I enjoy where we are now. It helps to just talk to someone that doesn't know me or him personally. Thank you. :) He is actually single, but we have been friends since high school. For the currant moment I am just leaving it all alone and if he mentions something we'll talk about it more but until then I am just going to be happy with have and try to be good and happy in the rest of my life. Thank you. :)