Question for SOW involved in EA

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2010
Question for SOW involved in EA
5
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 11:38am

My question to you is how do you justify to yourself being a secret? I have been out of My A for roughly 5 weeks and whenever I feel sad and miss MM, I remind myself that the reality of our relationship was kept in the dark. By this I mean, some people (in my life) knew we were involved and most people in his life thought we were simply friends. Of course many in his life didn't even know I existed.

Forget the fact that I overlooked his wife (which is a post in and of itself) but how do you justify allowing yourself to be a secret? It is one thing to wrongfully inflict pain on another, but it is an entirely different thing to inflict pain on yourself.

I hope my post is not coming across as judging because I am truly curious. I know I wanted nothing more then to have that relationship "right out loud." For those of you currently involved in an EA, how do you wrap your head around this one?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2010
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 4:10pm
Im right now beating myself up big time for letting this A be just a booty call when I know I want so much more...but keep going back, even knowing I am a secret and just a FWB. Im not the best to answer. Bad day in A land for me. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 7:30pm
Sorry Cali! (((Hugs)))

Proud to be a









You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull



Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 7:35pm
I'm on the other end of your question j9. I am a married woman involved with a single guy. I guess he's known since day 1 that our relationship wasn't one I would ever be able to share with anyone in my real life, and he accepted that. He values the relationship for what it is - it is what it is, as they say. No one in my life even knows he exists - we have no "real life" connection, so no one knows about him at all. It is strange - he knows so much about my life and friends and my kids' lives - we share a lot of stuff like that - but these people don't know about him. I guess, since he always knew that that's the way it would be, he's able to accept it?

Proud to be a









You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull



Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2010
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 7:59pm

Lexi-

That is why I directed my q to singles. Obviously, the married partner has their own reasons for wanting the secret kept BUT as a single person involved, it can be a hard pill to swallow. I also directed this q to people in an EA versus a PA. If BOTH people are in it for the physical, it is what it is and you get what you get.

I hate to stereotype here but I would assume most women get emotionally involved (versus men). Assuming there is an "understanding" going into an A (such as yours with your AP) there can still come a time where one wants more. Once one person involved in the affair wants more..that is where the trouble begins.

I am hoping more will jump in on this question because this was the one area I could never wrap my head around. I finally said to MM that as much as I love you, I cannot compromise myself for even you. I thought long and hard on all I was compromising that made the entire situation so miserable (torturous) for me. #1 was the fact WE were a secret. Of course I HAD to be a secret and with that comes the lies/hiding/sneaking. It became such a living oxymoron! I so loved this person and had to keep it to myself. This person claimed to so love me yet had to keep it to himself. I guess I realized that love has to be free in all ways. It's funny, I used to *believe* that people "trapped" in marriage weren't free. I now realize a deeper meaning for love has to be free. Not given due to a contract/not kept in the dark as a secret..none of it..just given freely in all senses.

J9

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2010
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 8:20pm

Calior-First of all a big (hug) for you!

I don't know your story (yet somehow I do). In a sense, all of us involved in an A have common elements. Anyhow, it sounds like you are having a beat yourself up day. This is exactly where my question stems from. Why do we do this to ourselves?? I mean you say you know you want so much more..so go out and get it! I believe we teach people how to treat us, and that is at the most basic level of humans. Once you get into an actual relationship, that takes on a whole new meaning.

Maybe you need to do some soul searching and admit to yourself you want / deserve more and realize only you can get that for yourself. I know how hard the journey is so I am not going to minimize here. I guess I really want to appeal to all the SOW's out there because they all deserve more. I believe if I could see/meet all of the SOW's on this board that they would be some of the smartest / prettiest women around. Each one of them (me/you/us) need to ask themselves why are we doing this to ourselves? Ahhh the emotional turmoil and toll it takes on US.