Literally happening right now...
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Literally happening right now...
| Mon, 09-20-2010 - 11:34am |
It seems as if not long after I come on here it's when it happens..my "gut" tells me I need support I guess.
Yesterday I didn't hear from him at all..which made me insecure from the start so this morning we start texting and he brings up us thinking long and hard about our relationship (the guilt setting in and the msg we heard in church yesterday (yes, we go to the same church)). So were texting back and forth and I call him to talk...he's going to call me back because he's at work. But I think were in the process, as I speak, of it ending..again. I am a mess and I really don't want to cry on the phone with him when he calls back so I need to recollect..help :(! Sometimes I think this should just happen and get off of this rollercoaster...but I can't imagine him not in my life..I do love him...
Yesterday I didn't hear from him at all..which made me insecure from the start so this morning we start texting and he brings up us thinking long and hard about our relationship (the guilt setting in and the msg we heard in church yesterday (yes, we go to the same church)). So were texting back and forth and I call him to talk...he's going to call me back because he's at work. But I think were in the process, as I speak, of it ending..again. I am a mess and I really don't want to cry on the phone with him when he calls back so I need to recollect..help :(! Sometimes I think this should just happen and get off of this rollercoaster...but I can't imagine him not in my life..I do love him...

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You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
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So did you guys get to talk?
anotherseyes
We did get a chance to talk on the phone more. It hasn't really lead anywhere..yet. We are in agreement that we are back in the same place we were last time the relationship supposedly ended..with him feeling guilty and living a lie and me wanting more. I'm thinking that by opening up and telling him how I feel, I'm only going to push him further so if I'm so afraid of this ending maybe I should just sit back and relax. We originally spoke of working through these guilty feelings together, but as much as I have put out there (as I prob shouldn't have), I have most likely overloaded him. He has told me that he holds back from speaking certain things because he doesn't want to encourage a level that he can't go to...but that he cares for me deeply. I told him that it sometimes feels as if I'm this "thing" that he's addicted to that he doesn't want to be and that I feel like such a negative aspect in his life. I also told him that it would sometimes be nice to hear that I'm an important part of his life and he's glad I'm in it...part of his response was that we are a negative in each others life. I said that if that was the case, then why are we even in this relationship. Wow, the more I write about our conversation, the more Pis*Ed I get at what a powerless pathetic piece I am.. I do think that all I've done is accent to him that our relationship truly is much more negative than anything...which by the way he has said in the past that it far outways the positive. The way I see it is that because of how I feel about him, I am willing to live with the turmoil it causes at times rather than not have him in my life. I guess if that's how I feel, then I should keep some of my frustration to myself. We are going to talk more today. My "gut" feeling tells me he will wait until we meet in person and pour it all out how he can't do this any more, can't do this to me, blah blah blah...
Maybe I should just stay angry...would be easier...
Hi Tdalways,
I can kind of relate to your AP and how he feels. I go through the guilt trips really bad sometimes and have told my AP that "he's not good for me", just like a drug but that yet I love having him. I think he really feels for
Much peace & Love,
Rayne
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For some reason your post has brought the tears starting today...because I do know he cares for me. Thank you for your words..I just wish that sometimes I could hear it from him what I mean to him. But apparently I don't mean enough since this cycle continues to exist and we end up not working "through" it, but ending it only for him to miss me enough to initiate the beginning again....
Hi, td!
Hi TD,
mm here just w/ some thoughts..
You are at a very difficult place... I've been there a few times myself.. when there is guilt involved, things get really complicated, and each person handles this differently.. my take on it is that, guilt is part of any A and that if you are not able to compartmentalize, you are going to hurt your AP (you meaning your AP)
The one thought I had reading what you wrote is that, at some point, "because I love him" will not be enough for you to continue.
I appreciate the insight you have expressed and knowing how others handle the same circumstances helps tremendously. I started posting several months ago on MAS and then moved over to EAS due to the last termination of our relationship...I know I was never truly ready for EAS because they are tough over there!--my heart was surely not in the mindset that was expected. I have also come back on here under a new user..especially because AP knows the name I was using and I would never desire for him to read my posts.
Part of my issue when it comes to expectations and standards is the fact that I'm continually comparing what our R was like before our dday...which he says he can not go back to. He was very open about his feelings, we declared our love for each other, and it was much more emotionally intimate. Since our off/on reconnection, that is long gone and my desire to have that with him again is overwhelming. Also, I do admire and adore him for being as open and honest as he has been--damn them for making us love them even more! As for the hardwiring...I am definitely hardwired as you are-and unable to have that compartmentalization. At one point, AP had told me he was also unable to love two women..hence why he ended it at the time. He has since said that he has been able to better do that. When it comes to him, I have no discipline or strength so I guess your right about one of the two being grounded...or we would be in trouble for sure. Sometimes I wonder if we are just kidding ourselves into believing that they truly care/love us..especially when we don't ever get that Verbal assurance of any sort. What is so wrong about doing that?
Anyhow, I don't think I will ever have the strength to let him go regardless of how painful this love can be sometimes... Hurts so good, huh!?
Thanks so much again :)
Thank you so much for the encouragement...maybe some day I will have the strength to be true to myself..
How many A truly do build, add, and improve without it going "somewhere". The problem is, there is nowhere for it to go..and there lies most of the problem. I have already been hurt by him due to his inability to compartmentalize and during the last separation, he told me that he didn't want to do this again because he doesn't want to hurt me again because he cares about me too much to keep doing this to me. That at times only makes it worse...knowing that he truly does care about me and how negatively what he does affects me.
...Well, one day at a time, right... Sometimes I just can not fathom the fact that I'm going through this in my life and how drastically it will affect me for the rest of my life...
Best to you :)
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