still here ... still confused ...
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| Tue, 09-21-2010 - 6:36pm |
I haven't posted much in a while ... and a lot has happened ... yet nothing has changed ...
First I will start by admitting that I did something awful! Something I regret but also know that many other people in the same situation I was in would have done the same thing ... whether they admit it or not ... I ended up privy to AP's passwords ... to everything ... I had the choice sitting in front of me to snoop or not to snoop ... I am a grown woman and I acted like a teenager ... I will say that what i saw wasn't completely harmless, but not terrible either. AP is a flirt, has been his entire life and the various communications I saw were of that nature to lots of different girls ... "I miss you" "It was great hearing your voice" "You look great" all stuff like that but nothing with anyone constant and nothing even close to the nature of what we have ... just very flirty ... I was obviously bothered and one thing led to another (I told him I knew some things that had me reconsidering our friendship/relationship) ... he had a minor breakdown one day and talked about his flirty behavior and how he knows he lets things go too far sometimes and about how much it bothers him that because of that even the people he wants to trust him can't ... that was the day before i got caught ... I was stupid and it is very easy to see when accounts have been logged into ... I didn't deny it, I owned up to it and it was terrible ... and he forgave me ... he said that if I couldn't believe and trust in our friendship after this there was nothing else he could do ... He wants me to know how much he loves me ...
Now for those of you who know a little of the back story I am very unhappily married and he is (according to him) happily married. He says he loves me very much and wants to have me in his life. He has even told his W (Who knows who i am) how important it is to him to be my friend ... she doesn't like it but accepts it. To her we just text and email occasionally. She doesn't know we see each other. He would like us to move away from the physical but he said it doesn't bother him a much now as it used to and he has kind of accepted that it is what it is and our friendship is confusing and complicated and removing the physical just doesn't seem to work for us ... A few months back his W requested me as a friend on FB and I had no choice but to accept ... today some photos popped up of all of them apple picking and it was the first time I felt truly awful ... I have been sick to my stomach ever since ... I love him and we have been through so much ... I don't expect nor want him to leave his family ... but i saw those pictures of him with his kids today knowing that yesterday he was intimate with me and I felt so sad for his kids and his W ... what am I doing? What am I potentially ruining?
Has anyone ever suddenly become overwhelmed with guilt? Do I wait it out or do I jump on this as an opportunity to end it?

Facebook is evil!!!
Hi mrm,
I think the first time I saw family pics of AP(not on FB), I did feel the same way.. since then, I do think about it, but, we both share our family life daily, and sometimes provide gifts to each other where the whole family can use it.. weird, huh?..
I do think truly that our A helps us keep sane and be better at home.