The little steps we take...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
The little steps we take...
12
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 10:04am

Often around here, we talk about affairs "just happening", and how that really isn't true. Yes you can say that you weren't out "looking" for an affair, if you weren't. But affairs never "just happen". First, usually, you're friends in some way. Maybe you're co-workers, maybe you're cyber friends, maybe you see him at the gym, maybe he's involved with your family in some way - a family friend or even in-law. Your conversations can be overheard by anyone and they are strictly friendly - exchanges about kids, weather, all sorts of things that you could talk to anyone about.

Then something changes. You notice he has an interest in you that isn't entirely "just friends". Maybe a look, maybe a comment (if it's cyber and you've never met). At this point you have a choice. You can return the look. You can counter the comment with a similar one. You can choose to start seeking him out - more and in a different way than you ever did before. Or you can pretend you didn't notice anything and keep everything friendly/businesslike, just as you've always done. You can, in fact, become even less available and act even more businesslike/strictly friendly than ever before. By taking a step closer instead of stepping away, you are making a choice about seeing where this will be going.

The truth is, none of us were "friends" and then woke up in bed with our APs. For the EAs, somewhere along the line we started exchanging emotional thoughts and maybe sexual - we didn't go from friendly chatting to sexual exchanges or I love u's overnight.

Just wondering if any of you remember those very first steps. Can you pinpoint the first time you acted in a way that you KNEW was a "step" toward an affair?

Proud to be a









You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull



Proud to be a





You've

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 10:15am

I guess I'll go first (unless someone types faster than me and that's easy) :-)

I can't talk about the A I now have, because I took that first step so early it hardly counts. I think I knew I was open to an A so we started inappropriate e-mail exchanges from the start.

But, my first A, I do remember the beginning. He was a family friend. He started looking at me differently, and it thrilled me. It caused me to look at him the same way. He started brushing up against me more, accidentally touching me. It really aroused me and there was no way I was going to step back. I knew that first inappropriate conversation was going to happen and I looked forward to it. I was NOT going to start it, but I knew I was going to be a participant in it. I was not going to shut him down. He knew I wasn't going to shut him down too - we give each other body language that kind of tells us that. Most men (even single ones like he was) will not approach a married woman without feeling that he won't be rejected or worse - that she won't run to her H and tell him! I didn't "start" anything, but I made my choices all along the way, eyes wide open.

Proud to be a









You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull



Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 10:46am

Even though there was SO much angst back then, I do enjoy looking back and remembering how it all happened.....so here we go :0)



My ex-h and usually went to the pub on Sundays for free pool, almost always. We would also go on Fridays after work, but mostly Sunday. AP spent a lot of time in the pub as well

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2010
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 11:06am

It is funny that you ask this as AP and I had this very discussion 2 days ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 11:52am

You are absolutely right affairs just don't "happen". I think subconsciously I was looking for one when I think about it but with that said here is my little story:



I started a new job I would see him every now and then. He worked for a different department and have even asked him for directions to get to a certain place in the building. Never really thought much of it except that he was nice looking and looked very familiar. A year passed by and I moved to a new house. I would take the train to commute to work and as I got off who approached me with conversation....AP. He said he'd notice me on the train a few times but never had the nerve to approach me. I found myself instantly attracted to his smile, the way he would make me laugh. Again I continued on my way and coincidently he'd bump into me during our commute. So much so that we started commuting together. We started chatting more and more and I told him I was married. He said he wasn't with anyone, they broke up about a year ago but since they own a house they live under the same roof. They just purchased it and neither of them wanted to leave. I found this odd but thought hey, it has nothing to do with me.



Then one night as we were going home we were sitting next to each other the

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 12:18pm

Great thread, Lexi :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 12:36pm

AP and I met on AM (affair site), so I guess we truly knew what we were getting into.. but even on AM, you don't start out as "I want you now!!!".. well, we didn't anyway .. we spent a good deal of time just getting to know each other.. but, one unexpected night, during a chat session, things got mutually very intense.. and I think we both knew at that moment that, there was indeed a unique chemistry.. I'd say, for us, that was the moment that took it from just a secret friendship to a land of fun, games, turmoil and drama.. well, for a while anyway.. then we learned how to manage our A the right way..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2008
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 12:40pm
Me & AP #1 were just having this discussion last week of who hit on who first. initially i knew AP for many years thru my best friend. She had a friend & husband(AP) from highschool that we frequent dinner & get togethers w/ my friend & they would go. We (ME &H) eventually became friends w/ the couple and started doing things as couples and families. two years goes by, and i notice him catering to me a little bit. we starting having dinners at their place once a week. he was bringing me a drink/beer & taking my plate to the kitchen when we were done w/ dinner. Or when when we all went out to bar, he would ask me to dance and buy rounds more often then before. He did have to come to my rescue cause my car broke down & my H was unavailable. He was flirty & kept touching me arm or hand on the arm rest. I pretended to not notice. By now our families were having get together/dinners twice a week at least. Then a few weeks later he asks me to do some stuff for his business thru the advertising company i work for. we talked back and forth about the project & other casual stuff. when the project was over we meet after work on the way home so he could get the items from the project he ordered. we ended up meeting for happy hour and talking and he opened up about his marriage and life. that's when it moved to "something". after that he requested me online to chat & a few weeks later we were having a full blown affair, emotional and physical. Its now been 14 months....
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2010
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 3:58pm

I can remember it as clear as day. Me and AP have known each other since I was 15 when he had a crush on me LOL nothing ever happened between us as he was younger than me and I was oblivious to his crush.



Back in february he spotted me on FB and added me as a friend and thats how it all began! At first we caught up on each others lives etc and now and again there was a bit of flirting going on. It got to the point where we talking on FB every night. He moved back to my hometown in March and in April we met up. Nothing happened for about a week except chatting, then one day he just kisssed me and so the rollercoaster began!



I knew that he still had a crush on me and found me attractive from all our chats and I rememeber telling my friend about him before anything happened and she told me that something was going to happen between us. I laughed at her but I think deep down I knew myself that it would.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 5:06pm
My story isn't nearly as exciting as all of the previous ones! I am currently in an EA. When did it start...we met about 1 1/2yrs ago at work. He was working on a project in my bldg. I didn't really think much of him at that point, nice guy. We needed to interact daily because of the project and we started to talk about other things-family, life outside of work, wknds-all innocent. He was always very helpful when I needed something at work or even when I mentioned I needed something outside of work at home-a problem with my washing machine, etc. I never took him up on his offers of help-H didn't want anyone's help. Then I found I started to think about him more often, randomly he would pop in to my head. This was last August. I think it really began to be an EA when we started to look for each other to talk and then we started to flirt with each other. It was fun and I hadn't felt like that for years. I wasn't really sure if I was imagining things or misinterpreting his friendliness, but I continued to play along willingly and he was receptive. In March, I told him I liked him just kind of put it out there. I had hinted that I had issues in my M and he said if I ever wanted to talk about it, he was there. I told him I did and that's when our lunches started. In June and July we talked about our feelings for each other and how we are attracted to one another. I told him I want to have an A with him. He wasn't sure if he could do that, but left the door open. Things are getting more intense between us as time goes by and there have been several nice hugs and I miss yous. That's where we are at now with lunch planned for Friday. I knew at some point I was crossing the line,it was all very subtle, but it was there and he was playing along, but I didn't want to stop, can't stop at this point and he seems to be on board at this point as well...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 5:15pm

Hi diva,



You know, I had the conversation with AP once about this too....who hit on who? Much to my surprise, because I've always thought that AP has a memory like an elephant, he doesn't remember it quite the same way as I do!



He told me that whenever I would phone him (which I only did because he gave me his shop number in a really cute and sexy way, so that I would remember it) our mutual friend would ask AP if he wanted him to speak to me....nip things in the bud so to speak. However, I would never have just phoned him out of the blue if I hadn't been come on to first...and had some sort of understanding that "something" was happening between us.



It has become clearer over the years that AP tends to forget quite a few things :0) No matter, so long as he remembers who loves him the MOST (yes, that would be me :0) )

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