MAS needed please.
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MAS needed please.
| Wed, 09-22-2010 - 2:34pm |
First, I want to apologize if my being a male and posting here is inappropriate but, I really need some advice. I have been married 20 years with two teenage daughters. I have been emotionally disconnected from my marriage for a few years now and everything is pretty much mechanical as far as home life goes with my wife. I am able to put on a good face around my wife but, inside there is nothing there. I went to counseling (my decision) and followed their steps but, I have not been able to get the emotional connection back. I thought about leaving a few years ago but, stayed for the sake of my kids. My girls really hold things together for me at home they just have no idea they do. I just go through life day by day working, providing for my family. My wife is a good person and a great mom. I do love her but, not like I use to. There is no spark, no physical attraction, and it seems we act more like friends then husband and wife. I do enjoy her company and conversation and I do have a comfort zone at home and around my wife. I have been faithful during our entire relationship until now. I met someone through work and it has now turned into an affair. I had no plans this was going to happen, I just wanted to take care of her business she needed done and move on to the next thing I had to do on my desk. I had only talked to her on the phone prior to our first meeting (which was legit business) in person. When we started talking I was immediately drawn to her. I started feeling things I had not felt in many years. We clicked right away and I could tell she felt the same. We continued talking to each other after our first meeting using text, email and phone calls. I started really liking her on many levels. I told her right up front that I was married and she told me she was going through a divorce. She also has two kids but they are younger then mine. Our relationship grew and grew (no sex) just very friendly and I grew fonder of her after every meeting. Not long ago, I stopped by her house and as I started to leave we kissed. I know it was wrong but, it felt electric. We didn’t stop at just a kiss we went all the way. I should have seen this building up with all the flirting that had been going on leading up to this night I stopped by her house but, I swear I had no idea this was going to happen. I won’t go into details but, it was wonderful on many levels. We have seen each other since that night (no sex) and both of us have admitted to how drawn to one another we are now. My problem is I have no idea what to do now. I don’t want a drawn out affair nor, do I want to leave my wife and kids. In my mind I have called myself a pig, loser and you can just pick the adjective and I’m sure I’ve called myself that. I’m a former military officer and have lived my life using words like honesty, integrity, and look at me now. Those words seem worlds away from me now because they do not describe me anymore. Part of me feels total guilt for what I have done and part of me wants to just be with this new women. I have never been in this situation before and I do not know what to do. Any advice would be much appreciated. Again, if it’s inappropriate for me to post here then perhaps a moderator can delete my post if that’s what needs to be done. Thanks,

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Welcome to MAS Joe,
All of us here are in the same boat that you are in and its always great to see male posters so it helps to get your opinion on things as well. I wish I were able to tell you what to do next but theres really no way of knowing. I pretty much just go with the flow of things and there are some days that are better then others but we post here and support each other as best we can.
I do feel the longer you remain involved with AP the more complicated it will be to break things off because of your emotions. If not being with her is what you really want then you know what you have to do. If you want to remain with
Much peace & Love,
Rayne
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Joe,
You are not alone and it is great that you posted here.
Joe,
You are articulating precisely why As are a bad idea.
What kind of decision? To leave your wife? Talk to her about your unhappiness? Pursue the OW more aggressively? What?
I have talked to my wife about my unhappiness and I was the one that brought up counseling. She knows I'm not happy. I guess then decisions I need to make are, 1. leaving my wife 2. stop seeing AP. Like I said, I do not know what to do. I'm really happy around AP but, I am also more happy around my girls everyday. I can't imagine not seeing them everyday. I am close to both of them and our relationships are very good..
Joe,
Ah, you've talked to your wife.
Hi Joe,
Another mm here in an A. The gals here always welcome us men, but we have to wipe our feet and pick up our laundry, I think that's the only rule.. And yes, I picked up on the Mr. Spock line, but I hope I am not the only one.
Your AP (affair partner) is going through a divorce, so it's a really tough time for her. You're approaching this R with a lot of unfulfilled desires and I am sure she is as well. That's prime territory for what is called on this board "the fog of the A".. having a military background, you can see "the fog of war" analogies, and they are really not that far off..
What this may mean is that both of you start an A with great emotions and intentions, only to find out that, with passage of time and changing of circumstances, all this was transitionary, not what either of you imagined as "the one true love of my life".. and by then, if you come out with your R or are discovered, you've burnt your family..
That's why I think one poster recalled that it's best to be on one's own first, through a divorce, and lead a life of your choosing, after which you may entertain another person.. if you did this, then it'd be the honorable path, as you mention it.. however, you say that you are not ready to leave your family, which is pretty common, and you may never be ready..
So, in the long run, if she's divorced and on her own, is it fair that you are in her life as someone who cannot leave his marriage? Something to ponder about..
One way you can look at this, is that, during and after her divorce, she is not going anywhere any time soon.. and you can't leave your family.. you can enjoy a good friendship, with some TLC added, and keep things at that level.. no plans for the future, no expectations, no deep emotions, or deep emotional exchanges.. just two people being there for each other as special friends.. and happy with the status quo.. if you can both compartmentalize and make this happen.. and not yearn for a life of togetherness forever as time goes by.. it may just work..
but, would a R defined in such boundaries be satisfactory for either of you? that's a question you need to explore..
it is indeed possible to have her in your life.. but, you will pay a price..
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Welcome Joe! you are going thru what alot of us are going thru. Seems to me that this woman is accepting that you are a MM and is happy with what yall share. We cant tell you what to do. I have the same type of marriage w/ my H. Mostly mechanical as you put it. So my affair works for me in the sense that i get my happiness, my craving for passion and a person to talk to w/ my AP. I would never leave my H for AP. It would have to be on my need to end the marriage. I am able to "act" at home & enjoy my AP several times a week so it works for me, as well as my AP. We (me and H) get to be there for my kids and ..... i enjoy the "other" stuff i need w/ AP. i would never wish my situation upon anyone but its up to you what you like to do. You have several choice..
work it out w/ W.
Leave W.
Have the affair.
choosing the A, is a hard and difficult thing. there is the effort to keep up w/ it, as well as the constant lying to W. and the stress of trying to not get busted. being happy that way may seem the "easy" route, cause your kids get you and you get your happiness elsewhere but it truely is hard to do....
best of luck. whatever you decide to do, the community is here to listen, talk and advise.
Hi Joe & Welcome ~
I totally agree with all other posters. I'm gonna bring it from the SOW (Single other woman's) angle. I too was ok with AP being married, however, for me it's two years down the road. My AP is still in an unhappy M.
Welcome to MAS Joe :)
I'm a MW (married woman), and have been with my H for almost sixteen years.
anotherseyes
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